[Ravensfort] Getting Older..

Tue Dec 31 15:56:33 PST 2002

Happy Birthday and Happy New Year Mary!!

Olivia
---
Carpe Diem Ex Illo Vitae Opprime!

On Tue, 31 Dec 2002 22:40:50
 Mary R wrote:
>[ Converted text/html to text/plain ]
>
>This may not be funny for everyone out there, but it's my birthday today and I
>could actually relate to some of this..
>~Mary of Axefoot
>
>
>
>Subject: Getting Old
>CHAPTER 1: The Perks of Being Over 50
>==============================
>1. Kidnappers are not very interested in you.
>2. In a hostage situation, you are likely to be released first.
>3. No one expects you to run into a burning building.
>4. People call at 9 PM and ask, "Did I wake you?"
>5. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.
>6. There is nothing left to learn the hard way.
>7. Things you buy now won't wear out.
>8. You can eat dinner at 4 PM.
>9. You can live without sex but not without glasses.
>10. You enjoy hearing about other people's operations.
>11. You get into heated arguments about pension plans.
>12. You have a party and the neighbors don't even realize it.
>13. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
>14. You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the
>room.
>15. You sing along with the elevator music.
>16. Your eyes won't get much worse.
>17. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.
>18. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national weather
>service.
>19. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them
>either.
>20. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size.
>================================
>CHAPTER 2: Games for When We Are Older
>================================
>1. Sag -- you're it.
>2. Pin the toupee on the bald guy.
>3. Twenty questions shouted into your good ear.
>4. Kick the bucket.
>5. Red Rover, Red Rover, the nurse says bend over.
>6. Doc Goose.
>7. Simon says something incoherent.
>8. Hide and go pee.
>9. Spin the Bottle of Mylanta.
>10. Musical recliners.
>=========================
>CHAPTER 3: Signs of Menopause
>=========================
>1. Your husband jokes that instead of buying a wood stove, he is using you to
>heat the family room this winter. Rather than just saying you are not amused,
>you shoot him.
>2. You have to write post-it notes with your kids' names on them.
>3. The Phenobarbital dose that wiped out the Heaven's Gate Cult gives you four
>hours of decent rest.
>4. You change your underwear after every sneeze.
>5. You're on so much estrogen that you take your Brownie troop on a field trip
>to Chippendale's.
>====================
>CHAPTER 4: Signs of Wear
>====================
>"OLD" IS WHEN ...
>Your sweetie says, "Let's go upstairs and make love," and you answer, "Pick
>one; I can't do both!"
>"OLD" IS WHEN ...
>Your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and you're barefoot.
>"OLD" IS WHEN ...
>A sexy babe catches your fancy and your pacemaker opens the garage door.
>"OLD" IS WHEN ...
>Going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.
>"OLD" IS WHEN ...
>You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go
>along.
>"OLD" IS WHEN ...
>You are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the police.
>"OLD" IS WHEN ...
>"Getting a little action" means you don't need to take any fiber today.
>"OLD" IS WHEN ....
>"Getting lucky" means you find your car in the parking lot.
>"OLD" IS WHEN ...
>An "all-nighter" means not getting up to pee.
>Subject: Getting Old
>CHAPTER 1: The Perks of Being Over 50
>==============================
>1. Kidnappers are not very interested in you.
>2. In a hostage situation, you are likely to be released first.
>3. No one expects you to run into a burning building.
>4. People call at 9 PM and ask, "Did I wake you?"
>5. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.
>6. There is nothing left to learn the hard way.
>7. Things you buy now won't wear out.
>8. You can eat dinner at 4 PM.
>9. You can live without sex but not without glasses.
>10. You enjoy hearing about other people's operations.
>11. You get into heated arguments about pension plans.
>12. You have a party and the neighbors don't even realize it.
>13. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
>14. You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the
>room.
>15. You sing along with the elevator music.
>16. Your eyes won't get much worse.
>17. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.
>18. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national weather
>service.
>19. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them
>either.
>20. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size.
>================================
>CHAPTER 2: Games for When We Are Older
>================================
>1. Sag -- you're it.
>2. Pin the toupee on the bald guy.
>3. Twenty questions shouted into your good ear.
>4. Kick the bucket.
>5. Red Rover, Red Rover, the nurse says bend over.
>6. Doc Goose.
>7. Simon says something incoherent.
>8. Hide and go pee.
>9. Spin the Bottle of Mylanta.
>10. Musical recliners.
>=========================
>CHAPTER 3: Signs of Menopause
>=========================
>1. Your husband jokes that instead of buying a wood stove, he is using you to
>heat the family room this winter. Rather than just saying you are not amused,
>you shoot him.
>2. You have to write post-it notes with your kids' names on them.
>3. The Phenobarbital dose that wiped out the Heaven's Gate Cult gives you four
>hours of decent rest.
>4. You change your underwear after every sneeze.
>5. You're on so much estrogen that you take your Brownie troop on a field trip
>to Chippendale's.
>====================
>CHAPTER 4: Signs of Wear
>====================
>"OLD" IS WHEN ...
>Your sweetie says, "Let's go upstairs and make love," and you answer, "Pick
>one; I can't do both!"
>"OLD" IS WHEN ...
>Your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and you're barefoot.
>"OLD" IS WHEN ...
>A sexy babe catches your fancy and your pacemaker opens the garage door.
>"OLD" IS WHEN ...
>Going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.
>"OLD" IS WHEN ...
>You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go
>along.
>"OLD" IS WHEN ...
>You are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the police.
>"OLD" IS WHEN ...
>"Getting a little action" means you don't need to take any fiber today.
>"OLD" IS WHEN ....
>"Getting lucky" means you find your car in the parking lot.
>"OLD" IS WHEN ...
>An "all-nighter" means not getting up to pee.
>
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>
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