[Ravensfort] Latest Rash of Hanse Missives

[Sher M]

>From the Ansteorra List:

LORD Hanse lordhanse at gmail.com 
Wed Jan 5 23:34:54 PST 2011 

Humble tailor and entrepreneur seeks info about any and all possible
entrants to this Crown Tourney for profit making endeavor.  Paying good
money for any information on any fighter known to be submitting themselves
for general bludgeoning in two weeks.

Your knowledge fills your purse- any tidbits appreciated (walking with limp,
sleeping on couch, training hard, foaming at mouth during practice, etc).

Please send mail privately:

Honest Hanse's Crown Odds
c/o
Ravensfort Jailer
for Mister H. Kleermaker
Oubliette #4, block B
***************Sher M runa.herd at earthlink.net Thu Jan 6 20:33:52 PST 2011 The guard that smuggled this missive out of the oubliette is now occupying 
#5.  For the good of the Kingdom, Hanse will now be bound and gagged (again) 
to prevent further subversive acts against Crown Entrants.  The Baronial 
Guard is accepting any and all suggestions as to more effective ways to 
control Hanse.  It has been discovered that he enjoys the whip entirely too 
much so any ideas will be considered.

Lady Runa of The Thundering Herd
Lieutenant of the Baronial Guard
Barony of Raven's Fort

*******************Honest Hanse's Odds for Crown 01/08/2011
Smuggled out of a Ravensfort cell to an old abandoned print shop inMiddleford and secretly distributed at Steppes by street urchins... Step right up, step right up!  Place your bets on which nerve-damaged clubswinger will walk away with all the glory next week!The rules are simple:   1. Minimum bet is one chicken or six pints of good strong ale.  That   means the North may have to pool the resources of two or more baronies to   get in.   2. Hanse won't pay if somebody throws a fight... unless it's a duke.   Dukes get to throw any fight that might get them beat by a younger, faster   fighter and make them look bad.   3. Hanse pays good coin for any info that might affect the odds.  Tell me   in private because you might not be funny.  Ask your spouse if you're in   doubt on this one.   4. No getting your pretty pink bloomers in a sissy knot over someone   elses odds.  Or notes on their odds, for that matter (especially if you're a   don).  Shut up and bet.   5. It's totally okay to protest your own odds- I'll probably give you a   bump just because you had the stones to speak up.   6. Pay up by coronation.  I'm still owed a few chickens and some trim   from Ulsted XI or whatever it was.   7. I'll entertain any side bets- makes it to quarter finals, bludgeoned   witless in the first round, stalls with pretty but boring speech, etc.  You   propose it and I'll set the odds.So here we are, two weeks out...Sir Asaph Hearts 2:1The clear favorite for this tournament.  We received official notice he'll be fighting sans undies.  Can anyone face the WaffenFlash?HE Hraffn Olafson 3:1Burning with bloody viking lust to win this thing again with long, hardhours in the gym in preparation.  Hungry for it and nobody wants to stand inthe way.  And Hraffn wants it almost as much.HG The Mecha-Porto 4:1Now with bionic back and LAZER Vision. Apparently, the Portuguese have asimilar national distress call system to Japan during the Godzilla/Mothraera.  Could win but may destroy kingdom level feasts with "Supersonic SongBeams" if he gets off Monster IslandHG Gunthar Jonson 7:1The Swedish Soprano has a good shot this time around but he really shouldn'thave washed the shield in hot water.  Prediction: he'll be busier coveringup on defense than a mermaid who's lost her bikini shells to a particularlyrough wave.  Look out for range fighters.Sir Randall de Krieger 10:1The Steamroller is fighting for keeps and there's still only one way to beathim: walk backwards faster than he rolls and wait the 10 or 15 miles ittakes him to run out of gas.  His odds improve the more people hit him; itconfuses him into forgetting he's tired.  Apply Zombie Rule #2 liberallywhen attempting to finish him.HE Owen Ap Aethan 10:1HE is in the best shape of his life- no more pear; hellllloooooo APPLE!  Aslong as his opponents want to go guns to guns, Owen can win it… but willthey?  No… some will be dumb and we'll pick them out of the elephants toeslike slow natives.HE Romanius Scipio Vesperanius 12:1HE wants it, he's in pretty good shape, and he has a PU36 Space Modulator.Opponents may want to consider dropping an anvil or piano on him becausehe's very, very angry this time.  Look for fun-to-watch matches betweenRomanius and the Big Men- he may not win the tourney but he's known to be agiant slayer.HE Jean Paul de Sens 15:1No amount of FB posting on his fitness ventures will carry that extra 25lbsof donuts in this tourney.  Lesson: "I Can't Believe It's Not Butter" addedto feast basket next reign.HG Aaron MacGreggor 15:1Fencing more than practicing with the big boys, HG's point work will besharp.  Word from the land of the paynims says that he won't be doing any"point work" for a while if he wins.Sir Ysfael Bryndu 20:1More creativity needed to make it all the way.  In three more tourneys he'llbe ready for the finals but right now he's trying to get as seasoned as hisarmor looks.HG Kein McKewan 20:1HG is in better shape for this tournament; passed his driving exam eye test,remembers where he lives, but we're not certain how the Ensure logo willlook on the shield now that he has a sponsor again.Sir Cameron 25:1Mr. Nice Guy?  No more- he's hanging up the Mr. Rogers sweater.  Trainingwith King Friday, advice from Wise Owl, hexes on opponents courtesy of LadyElaine Fairchild.  He's coming at you like David Lee Roth in 1984 (but withthe VH1 hair).Sir Kenneth 25:1The only man in the field who might be able to beat the Mecha-Porto with hisFilk Ray… but dear God, the collateral damage.  Opponents applying ZombieRule #1 will keep him out of the quarter finals this time.Centurion Evangelos  25:1Of all the entrants with power, Evangelos is packing the most punch.  If hisdefense can be half as good as his offense he'll make the quarters.HE Dafydd Whitaker 30:1A bum foot hurts his odds but it is offset by thehoney-it's-the-only-thing-I-still-want-so-you-darned-well-better-GET-IT-for-mefactor.Centurion Cathal 30:1Cathal wants a hat.  Any hat will do, really.  Odds worsen if opponents tosscirclets around list field.Centurion Louis 30:1Smoking and age have toughened Louis' skin to a new level, allowing to shucksome armor and move faster.Sir Ulf 30:1The hand injury lowers his odds and will keep Ulf out of the quarterfinals.  Lesson learned: don't reach for the last donut when JP is king andyou won't get bit.Centurion Uther 30:1Do not be surprised if his deceptively good offense will see Uther throughto the second round.Wolf Waldenganger 40:1The only living lefty in the list, Wolf makes it harder for higher rankingfighters in Round 1.Jean Marc of Trelac 40:1His fighting style is so dangerous that one persona couldn't take it.Sir John of Severn 50:1Word on the street is that John is unleashing his new "Hello Kitty" fightingstyle and WalMart is indeed sold out of pink duct tape.  He's good, but thetop echelon fighters are going to knock the cute little fuzzy ears off thatnew helmet.Sir Lochlain Dunn 50:1Totally harmless.HE Timotheus Kranididous 100:1Obviously, this is the Year of the Undead Crown Entrant.  Opponents:Remember Zombie Rule #1!News Flash: According to his own training camp, Duke Aaron is SCRATCHED dueto a neck injury.
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