SC - oop humor

[margali]

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Folks, I know that chocolate is oop, and discussing religion is a nono,
but I am pagan, and a cook and I find this hysterical. If you don't like
odd humor, please use the delete key now.

margali


To:     ARCANA at BROWNVM.BROWN.EDU (Multiple recipients of list ARCANA)
Date: 97-11-03 17:52:41 EST

Subject: The Chocolate Ritual

The Chocolate Ritual

Materials required: On the altar are brown candles, a Tootsie Roll (the
big
one), a large glass with milk in it (the chalice), a small dish of
Nestle's
Quik and a spoon, a small dish of chocolate sprinkles, a plate of
cupcakes,
and some Yoo-Hoo along with a goblet.  The athame is represented by a
cake
knife reserved only for cutting Devil's Food Cake, and the pentacle is
represented by a chocolate star.

CLEANSE THE SACRED SPACE:
(take the small bowl of chocolate sprinkles)

Chocolate sprinkles where thou art
Cast no calories in thy presence last.
Let no fat adhere to me
And as I will so mote it be!

Nestle's Quik where thou art cast
Turn this milk to chocolate fast.
Let all good things come to me,
and make my milk all chocolatey!

CAST THE CIRCLE
(using the Tootsie roll)

CALL THE QUARTERS:

Mousse of the East, Fluffy one!
Great prince of the palace of dessert!
be present we pray thee,
and guard this circle
from all moochers approaching
from the East.

Fondue of the South, Molten one!
Great Prince of the palace of decadence!
be present we pray thee,
and guard this circle from all diets approaching
from the South.

Cocoa of the West, Satisfying one!
Great prince of the palace of thirst!
Be present we pray thee,
and guard this circle from all carob approaching
from the West.

Rocky Road of the North, Cold one!
Great Prince of the palace of crunchy!
Be present we pray thee,
and guard this circle from all cheap imitations approaching
from the North.

MAIN RITUAL:

HANDMAIDEN (Henceforth known as the Swiss Miss):

Listen to the words of the Mother of Chocolate; who was of old called:
Godiva, Ethel M., Sara Lee, Nestle, Mrs. See, and by many other names:

HPS: Whenever you have one of those cravings, once in a while and
better it be when your checkbook is full, then shall you assemble in a
great public place and bring offerings of money to the spirit of Me, who
is
Queen of  all Goodies.  In the mall shall you assemble, you who have
eaten
all your chocolate and are hungry for more.  To you I shall bring Good
Things
for your tongue.  And you shall have chocolate smears on your cheeks,
and you
shall munch, nosh, snack, feast, and make yummy noises all in my
presence.
For mine is the ecstacy of phenylalanine, and mine is also the joy on
earth,
yea, even into high orbit, for my law is "melts in your mouth, not in
your
hand."  Keep clean your fingers, carry Wet Ones always, let none stop
you
aside.  For mine is the secret that opens your mouth, and mine is the
taste
that puts a smile on your lips and the comfy padding pounds on your
hips.  I
am the gracious Goddess who gives the gift of joy onto the tummies of
men and
women.

Upon earth, I give knowledge of all things delicious, and beyond
death...well, I can't do much there.  Sorry about that.  I demand only
you
have to pay for those truffles before you eat them.

SWISS MISS: Hear now the words of the Goodie Goddess, she in the dust of

whose feet are the cheap imitations, whose body graces candy racks and
finer
stores everywhere:

I, who am the beauty of chocolate chips, and the satisfying softness of
big
bars, the mystery of how they get the filling inside truffles, and fill
the
hearts of all but Philistines with desire, call unto thy soul to arise
and
come unto me.  For I am the soul of candy, from me do all confections
spring,
and unto me all of you shall return, again...and again...and again...and

again.

Before me smeared faces, beloved of women and men, thine innermost
divine
self shall be enfolded in the rapture of overdose.  Let my taste be
within
thy mouth that rejoices.  For behold, all acts of yumminess and pleasure
are
my rituals.

Therefore let there be gooeyness and mess, crispness and crackling, big
slabs
and bite size pieces, peanut butter and chocolate-covered cherries all
within
you.  And you who think to seek me, know that your seeking and yearning
shall
avail you not unless you know the Mystery:  "We shall sell no chocolate
until
you pay for it."  For behold: I have been with you since you were just a

baby, and I am that which is attained at nearly any shop in the land.
Messed
be.

SWISS MISS: Hear now the words of the Chocolate God, who was called
Ghirardelli, Milton Snavely Hershey, Bosco, Fudgesicle, and by many
other
names:

HP: I am the strength of the candy rack, and the piece that fell on the
floor
but looks like it may not have gotten too dirty, and the deepest
bitterness
of dark chocolate.  No matter how you try to resist the call for
chocolate, I
will hunt you out, and I will become your sacred prey.  I am warmth of
hot
cocoa in the dead of winter, and the call of the road that leads you to
that
really expensive Godiva store downtown.

I give you my creatures, the fire of love of chocolate, the power of jaw

strength to bite off a piece of that frozen Milky Way bar and the
shelter of
Haagen Dazs when that big date didn't work out.  You are dear to me, and
I
instill in you my power of a piece of chocolate that you had forgotten
you
had hidden, and the power of vision and magical sight with which you can
spot
a candy counter a mile away.  By the powers of the half-melted bar in
the
glorious sun, I charge you, by the darkest depths of the bottom of the
cocoa
pot and lingering smell of bittersweet chocolate, I charge you, and by
the
beauty of a perfectly swirled vanilla butter cream, I charge you.

Follow your heart and your instinct, wherever they lead you. The wealth
in
your pocket can buy you treats that a Mayan kin would envy.  Take joy in
that
first bite of lecithin emulsified cocoa, and in the last satisfying
slurp of
Yoo-Hoo.

Yet you must be wary of deceit.  Eat not of that which is called "Baking

Chocolate," for it is vile and bitter.  Be not greedy, but let yourself
be
known as a connoisseur.  Leave a little for someone else.

I am with you always, just over your shoulder, or around the next
corner.  I
am the Lord of Chocolate, and when you have reached the end of your
hoard, I
will never be further away from you than that 7-11 on the corner.  I am
the
spirit of the wild child, the inner child who can never get quite
enough.

If you are a true chocolate lover, then your soul and mine are
intertwined.


CUPCAKES AND YOO-HOO
  (Blessing of the Yoo-Hoo)

HP:  Be it known that milk chocolate is not better than dark chocolate.
HPS: Nor is dark chocolate better than milk chocolate.
HP:  For both are better than the falsely named "white Chocolate."
HPS: And neither is carob.
HP:  As the frosting is to the cupcake.
HPS: So the creamy nougat is to the Milky Way bar.
Both:  And when they are eaten, they are yummy in truth, for there is
       no greater snack in all the world than one made of chocolate.

  (Blessing of the cupcakes)

HP:  Frosting is keen.
HPS: And frosting is neat.
BOTH:  Great Goddess!  Let us eat!

(Feasting and Drinking)

Dismiss the quarters:

HPS:  Oh, ye mighty goodies for the ______, we thank you for attending
our rites and guarding our circle, and ere you depart for your sweet and

sticky realms, we say unto you, "N-E-S-T-L-E-S, Nestles makes the very
best."

ALL:  Chooooooooc-laaaaate

(After all quarters have been dismissed, give a final satisfying belch
at the east)

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org:            sca, inc-barony beyond the mountain, east kingdom
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