SC - Cathedral ritual

[LrdRas@aol.com]

Sorry folks could not resist.


 THE CAMERON COLUMN - CHILI COOK OFF

Recently I was honored to be selected as an Outstanding Famous
Celebrity in my Community to be a judge at a chili cook-off because no one
else wanted to do it.  Also the original person called in sick at the last
moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking
directions to the beer wagon when the call came.  I was assured by the
other two judges that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy, and besides
they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted this
as being one of those burdens you endure when you're an Internet writer
and therefore known and adored by all.  Here are the scorecards from the
event:

 Chili #1:  Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili

 JUDGE ONE:  A little too heavy on tomato.  Amusing kick.
 JUDGE TWO:  Nice, smooth tomato flavor.  Very mild.
 CAMERON:  Holy smokes, what is this stuff?  You could remove dried
 paint from your driveway with it.  Took me two beers to put the flames out.
 Hope that's the worst one.  These people are crazy.

 Chili #2:  Arthur's Afterburner Chili

 JUDGE ONE:  Smoky (barbecue?) with a hint of pork.  Slight Jalapeno
 tang.
 JUDGE TWO:  Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken
 seriously.
 CAMERON:  Keep this out of reach of children!  I'm not sure what I am
 supposed to taste besides pain.  I had to wave off two people who
 wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver.  Shoved my way to the front of
 thebeer line.  The barmaid looks like a professional wrestler after a bad
 night. She was so irritated over my gagging sounds that the snake tattoo
 under her eye started to twitch.  She has arms like Popeye and a face like
 Winston Churchill.  I will NOT pick a fight with her.

 Chili #3:  Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili

 JUDGE ONE:  Excellent firehouse chili!  Great kick.  Needs more
 beans.
 JUDGE TWO:  A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of red peppers.
 CAMERON:  This has got to be a joke.  Call the EPA, I've located a
 uranium spill.  My nose feels like I have been sneezing Drano. Everyone knows
 the routine by now and got out of my way so I could make it to the beer
 wagon. Barmaid pounded me on the back; now my backbone is in the front part
 of my chest.  She said her friends call her "Sally." Probably behind her
 back they call her "Forklift."

 Chili #4:  Bubba's Black Magic

 JUDGE ONE:  Black bean chili with almost no spice.  Disappointing.
 JUDGE TWO:  A hint of lime in the black beans.  Good side dish for
 fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.
 CAMERON:  I felt something scraping across my tongue but was unable
 to taste it.  Sally was standing behind me with fresh refills so I
 wouldn't have to dash over to see her.  When she winked at me her snake sort
 of coiled and uncoiled - it's kinda cute.

 Chili #5:  Linda's Legal Lip Remover

 JUDGE ONE:  Meaty, strong chili.  Cayenne peppers freshly ground
 adding considerable kick.  Very impressive.
 JUDGE TWO:  Chili using shredded beef; could use more tomato.  Must
 admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
 CAMERON:  My ears are ringing and I can no longer focus my eyes.  I
 belched and four people in front of me needed paramedics.  The contestant
 seemed hurt when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage.  Sally
 saved my tongue by pouring beer directly on it from a pitcher.  Sort of
 irritates me that one of the other judges asked me to stop screaming.

 Chili #6:  Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety

 JUDGE ONE:  Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili.  Good balance of
 spice and peppers.
 JUDGE TWO:  The best yet.  Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and
 garlic. Superb.
 CAMERON:  My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous
 flames.
  No one seems inclined to stand behind me except Sally.  I asked if
 she wants to go dancing later.

 Chili #7:  Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili

 JUDGE ONE:  A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned
 peppers.
 JUDGE TWO:  Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef threw in canned chili
 peppers at the last moment.  I should note that I am a bit worried about Judge
 Number 3, he appears to be in a bit of distress.
 CAMERON:  You could put a hand grenade in my mouth and pull the pin
 and I wouldn't feel it.  I've lost the sight in one eye and the world sounds
 like it is made of rushing water.  My clothes are covered with chili which
 slid unnoticed out of my mouth at some point.  Good, at autopsy  they'll
 know what killed me.  Go Sally, save yourself before it's too late.  Tell
 our children I'm sorry I was not there to conceive them.

 I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful and I'm not getting
 any oxygen anyway.  If I need air I'll just let it in through the hole in
 my stomach.  Call the X-Files people and tell them I've found a super nova on
 my tongue.

 Chili #8:  Helen's Mount Saint Chili

 JUDGE ONE:  This final entry is a good, balanced chili, neither mild
 nor hot.  Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge Number 3 fell
 and pulled the chili pot on top of himself.
 JUDGE TWO:  A perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili, safe for
 all, not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
 CAMERON:  Momma?


Sabia(sabia at unm.edu)

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