SC - In keeping with Martha Stewart... (Humour-OT-OPP)

[Michael F. Gunter]

This one came to me via Dame TSivia. This is for the Martha Stewart
challenged.....like me. :)

Micaylah

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My secrets to keeping my house so neat and clean all the time...

THIRTY MINUTES TO A CLEANER HOUSE
You're getting company in 30 minutes. Your house is a mess. WHAT WILL YOU DO?


Welcome, ladies and gentlemen, to the first session of Housekeeping Tips
for Regular People. If you're a Martha Stewart type of housekeeper, this
column is NOT for you.

However, for the rest of you, this is your chance to learn 15 Secret
Shortcuts to Good Housekeeping that your mother never told you.

SECRET TIP 1: DOOR LOCKS
If a room clearly can't be whipped into shape in 30 days--much less 30
minutes--employ the Locked Door Method of cleaning. Tell anyone who tries
to go in the room that the door is intentionally locked.
CAUTION: It is not advisable to use this tip for the bathroom.
Time: 2 seconds

SECRET TIP 2: DUCT TAPE
No home should be without an ample supply. Not only is it handy forplumbing repairs, but it's a great way to hem drapes, tablecloths, clothes,
just about anything.  No muss, no fuss.
Time: 2-3 minutes

SECRET TIP 3: OVENS
If you think ovens are just for baking, think again. Ovens represent at
least 9 cubic feet of hidden storage space, which means they're a great
place to shove dirty dishes, dirty clothes, or just about anything you want
to get out of sight when company's coming.
Time: 2 minutes

SECRET TIP 4: CLOTHES DRYERS
Like Secret Tip 3, except bigger. CAUTION: Avoid hiding flammable objects
here.
Time: 2.5 minutes

SECRET TIP 5: WASHING MACHINES & REFRIDGERATORS
Like Secret Tip 4, except even bigger.
Time: 3 minutes

SECRET TIP 6: DUST RUFFLES
No bed should be without one. Devotees of Martha Stewart believe dust
ruffles exist to keep dust out from under a bed or to help coordinate the
colorful look of a bedroom. The rest of us know a dust ruffle's highest and
best use is to hide whatever you've managed to shove under the bed.  (Refer
to Secret Tips 3, 4, 5.)
Time: 4 minutes

SECRET TIP 7: DUSTING
The 30-Minutes-To-A-Clean-House method says: Never dust under what you can
dust around.
Time: 3 minutes

SECRET TIP 8: DISHES
Don't use them. Use plastic or paper and you won't have to.
Time: 1 minute

SECRET TIP 9: CLOTHES WASHING (EEWWW)
This secret tip is brought to you by an inventive teenager. When this
teen's mother went on a housekeeping strike for a month, the teen
discovered you can extend the life of your underwear by two ...if you turn
it wrong side out and, yes, rerun it.
CAUTION: This tip is recommended only for teens and those who don't care if
they get in a car wreck.
Time: 3 seconds

SECRET TIP 10: IRONING
If an article of clothing doesn't require a full press and your hair does,
a curling iron is the answer. In between curling your hair, use the hot
wand to iron minor wrinkles out of your clothes.  Yes, it really does work,
or so I'm told, by other disciples of the Minutes-To-A-Clean-House philosophy.
Time: 5 minutes (including curling your hair)

SECRET TIP 11: VACUUMING
Stick to the middle of the room, which is the only place people look. Don't
bother vacuuming under furniture. It takes way too long and no one looks
there anyway.
Time: 5 minutes, entire house; 2 minutes, living room only

SECRET TIP 12: LIGHTING
The key here is low, low, and lower. It's not only romantic, but bad
lighting can hide a multitude of dirt.
Time: 10 seconds

SECRET TIP 13: BED MAKING
Get an old-fashioned waterbed. No one can tell if those things are made up
or not, saving you, oh, hundreds of seconds over the course of a lifetime.
Time: 0

SECRET TIP 14: SHOWERS, TOILETS, AND SINKS
Forget one and two. Concentrate on three.
Time: 1 minute

SECRET TIP 15:
If you already knew at least 10 of these tips, don't even think about
inviting a Martha Stewart type to your home.

Received from Julia Owens.


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"I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it."

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