SC - Christmas Humour - OOP - OT
Micaylah
dy018 at freenet.carleton.ca
Mon Dec 14 16:05:11 PST 1998
I thought this was kinda cute. No crediting is available as I don't know
who wrote it. Oh ya, btw, there are referenes made to Christianity, please
no offense is meant, and as this is humour hopefully none will be taken.
Micaylah
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Martha Stewart's Holiday Calendar
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Dec 1: Blanch carcass from Thanksgiving turkey. Spray paint gold, turn
upside down and use as a sleigh to hold xmas cards.
Dec 2: Have Mormon Tabernacle Choir record outgoing Christmas message for
an answering machine.
Dec 3: Using candlewick and hand-gilded miniature pine cones, fashion
cat-o'-nine-tails. Flog gardener.
Dec 4: Repaint Sistine Chapel ceiling in ecru, with mocha trim.
Dec 5: Get new eyeglasses. Grind lenses myself.
Dec 6: Fax family Christmas newsletter to Pulitzer committee for
consideration.
Dec 7: Debug Windows 95.
Dec 10: Align Carpets to adjust for curvature of the earth.
Dec 11: Lay Faberge egg.
Dec 12: Take dog apart. Disinfect. Reassemble.
Dec 13: Collect dentures. They make excellent pastry cutters, particularly
for decorative pie crusts.
Dec 14: Install plumbing in gingerbread house.
Dec 15: Replace air in mini-van tires with Glade "holiday scents" in case
tires are shot out at mall.
Dec 17: Child-proof the Christmas tree with garland of razor wire.
Dec 19: Adjust legs of chairs so each Christmas dinner guest will be same
height when sitting at his or her assigned seat.
Dec 20: Dip sheep and cows in egg whites and roll in confectioner's sugar
to add a festive sparkle to the pasture.
Dec 21: Drain city reservoir; refill with mulled cider, orange slices and
cinnamon sticks.
Dec 22: Float votive candles in the toilet tank.
Dec 23: Seed clouds for white Christmas.
Dec 24: Do my annual good deed. Go to several stores. Be seen engaged in
last-minute Christmas shopping, thus making many people feel less
inadequate than they really are.
Dec 25: Bear son. Swaddle. Lay in colour co-ordinated manger scented with
homemade potpourri.
Dec 26: Organize spice racks by genus and phylum.
Dec 27: Build snowman in exact likeness of God.
Dec 31: New Year's Eve! Give staff the resolutions. Call a friend in each
time zone of the world as the clock strikes midnight in that country.
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"I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it."
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