SC - Martha Stewart - OT,OOP, Humor

[Philippa Alderton]

Phlip
Caer Frig
Barony of the Middle Marches
Middle Kingdom

Southeastern Ohio

Phlip at bright.net

Consistency is the last refuge of the unimaginative.

Dear Santa,

 I rarely ask for much. This year is no exception. I don't need diamond
 earrings, handy slicer-dicers or comfy slippers. I only one one little
 thing, and I want it deeply.

  I want to slap Martha Stewart.

 Now, hear me out, Santa. I won't scar her or draw blood or anything.
Just one good smack, right across her smug little cheek.

 I get all cozy inside just thinking about it.

 Don't grant this wish just for me. do it for thousands of women across
the country.

 Through sheer vicarious satisfaction, you'll be giving a gift to us
all.

 Those of us leading average, garden variety lives aren't concerned with
 gracious living. We feel pretty good about ourselves if our paper plates
match when we
 stack them on the counter, buffet-style for dinner.

 We're tired of Martha showing us how to make centerpieces from
hollyhock dipped in 18 carat gold. We're plumb out of liquid gold. Unless
it's of
 the furniture polish variety.

 We can't whip up Martha's creamy holiday sauce, spiced with turmeric.
Most of us can't even say turmeric, let alone figure out what to do with it.

 OK, Santa, maybe you think I'm being a little harsh. But I'll bet with
all the holiday rush you didn't catch that interview with Martha in last
week's USA Weekend.

 I'm surprised there was enough room on the page for her ego.

 We discovered that not only does Martha avoid take-out pizza (she's
only ordered it once), she refuses to eat it cold (No cold pizza? Is Martha
Stewart Living?) When it was pointed out that she could microwave it,
she replied, "I don't have a microwave." The reporter, Jeffrey Zaslow,
noted that she said this "in a tone that suggests you shouldn't either."

 Well lah-dee-dah.

 Imagine that, Santa. That lovely microwave you brought me years ago, in
which I've learned to make complicated dishes like popcorn and hot
chocolate, has been declared undesirable by Queen Martha.

 What next? The coffee maker?

 In the article, we learned that Martha has 40 sets of dishes adorning
an entire wall in her home. Forty sets. Can you spell "overkill"? And
neatly put way, no less. If my dishes make it to the dishwasher, that
qualifies as "put away" in my house.

 Martha tells us she's already making homemade holiday gifts for
friends. "Last year, I made amazing silk-lined scarves for everyone," she
boasts. Not just scarves, mind you. Amazing scarves. Martha's obviously not
shy
about giving herself a little pat on the back. In fact, she does so with
such
frequency that one has to wonder if her back is black and blue.


She goes on to tell us that "homemaking is glamour for the 90s" and
says her most glamorous friends are "interested in stain removal, how to
iron a monogram, how to fold a towel."


I have one piece of advice, Martha: get new friends.

Glamorous friends fly to Paris on a whim. They drift past the Greek
Islands on yachts, sipping champagne from crystal goblets. They step
out for the evening in shimmering satin gowns, whisked away by tuxedoed
chauffeurs.

They do not spend their days pondering the finer art of toilet bowel
sanitation.

 Zaslow notes that Martha was named one of America's 25 most influential
people by Time magazine (nosing out Mother Theresa, Madeline Allbright
and Maya Angelou, no doubt) The proof of Martha's influence: after she
bought white fleshed peaches in the supermarket, Martha says, "People saw me
buy them. In an instant, they were all gone."

 I hope Martha never decides to jump off a bridge.

 A guest in Martha's home told Zaslow how Martha gets up early to roller
blade with her dogs to pick fresh wild blackberries for breakfast.

This confirms what I've suspected about Martha all along: She's
obviously got too much time on her hands. Teaching the dogs to roller blade.
What
a show off.

If you think the dogs are spoiled, listen to how Martha treats her
friends:
She gave one friend all 272 books from the Knopf Everyman Library. It
didn't cost much. Pocket change, really. Just $5,000. But what price
friendship, right?

 When asked if others should envy her, Martha replies, "Don't envy me.
I'm doing this because I'm a natural teacher. You shouldn't envy teachers.
You should listen to them."

 Zaslow must have slit a seam in Martha's ego at this point, because
once the hot air came hissing out, it couldn't be held back.  "Being an
overachiever is nothing despicable. It is only admirable. Never lower
your standards," says Martha.
 And of her Web Page on the Internet, Martha declares herself an
"important presence" as she graciously helps people organize their sad,
tacky
little lives.


There you have it, Santa. If there was ever someone who deserved a good
smack, it's Martha Stewart.

 But I bet I won't get my gift this year.

 You probably want to smack her yourself.




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