SC - Fw: A Local Girl Does Good

[Alderton, Philippa]

phlip at morganco.net

Never a horse that cain't be rode,
And never a rider that cain't be throwed.


 
 
 Martha Stewart's Holiday Calendar for December, 1997...
 
 December 1:
 Blanch carcass from Thanksgiving turkey.  Spray paint gold, turn upside
 down and use as a sleigh to hold Christmas Cards.
 
 December 2:
 Have Mormon Tabernacle Choir record outgoing Christmas message for
 answering machine.
 
 December 3:
 Using candlewick and hand gilded miniature pine cones, fashion a
 cat-o-nine-tails. Flog the gardener.
 
 December 4:
 Repaint Sistine Chapel ceiling in ecru, with mocha trim.
 
 December 5:
 Get new eyeglasses.  Grind lenses myself.
 
 December 6:
 Fax family's Christmas newsletter to Pulitzer committee for consideration.
 
 December 7:
 Debug Windows '95.
 
 December 8:
 Celebrate the Immaculate Conception.  Have a feast.  Make sure everyone's
 without sin.
 
 December 9:
 Lay a Faberge egg.
 
 December 10:
 Align carpets to adjust for curvature of Earth.
 
 December 11:
 Build a completely new website for www.marthastewart.com.
 
 December 12:
 Install plumbing in gingerbread house.
 
 December 13:
 Collect dentures.  They make excellent pastry cutters, particularly for
 decorative pie crusts.
 
 December 14:
 Get a beta version of Microsoft's "Memphis."  Figure out where it can be
 improved, and send a detailed email message to bill at microsoft.com.
 
 December 15:
 Replace air in minivan tires with Glade "holiday  scents" in case tires are
 shot out at mall.
 
 December 16:
 Fly to Tel Aviv.  Buy Hanukkah cards printed on recycled paper with
 soy-based inks.  Hand address them to all my Jewish friends, and write
 detailed personal notes on each card.  Put commemorative stamps on each
 envelope and mail them directly from the main Post Office to make sure they
 arrive on time.  Don't send a card to Yassir Arafat.  Do send one to
 Benjamin Netanyahu.
 
 December 17:
 Childproof the Christmas tree with a garland of razor wire.
 
 December 18:
 Remind myself always to talk about "Father Christmas," never about "Santa
 Claus."  This way people will think I'm British, and not from New Jersey.
 
 December 19:
 Adjust legs of chairs so each Christmas dinner guest will be at the same
 height when sitting at his or her assigned seat.
 
 December 20:
 Dip sheep and cows in egg whites and roll in confectioner's sugar to add a
 festive sparkle to the pasture.
 
December 21:
 Do penance for the sins of others.
 
 December 22:
 Advise Pope on proper floral arrangements for Christmas Mass.
 
 December 23:
 Seed clouds for a white Christmas.
 
 December 24:
 Do my annual good deed.  Go to several stores.  Be seen engaged in last
 minute Christmas shopping, thus making many people feel less inadequate
 than they really are.
 
 December 25:
 Bear son.  Swaddle.  Lay in color-coordinated manger, scented with homemade
 potpourri.
 
 December 26:
 Organize spice racks by genus and phylum.
 
 December 27:
 Drain city reservoir; refill with mulled cider, orange slices and cinnamon
 sticks.
 
 December 28:
 Float votive candles in toilet tank.
 
 December 29:
 Build a snowman in exact likeness of Bill Clinton.
 
 December 30:
 Take a half-day off -- only work 8 hours.
 
 December 31:
 New Year's Eve!   Give staff their resolutions.  Call a close friend in
 each time zone of the world as the clock  strikes midnight in that country.

============================================================================

To be removed from the SCA-Cooks mailing list, please send a message to
Majordomo at Ansteorra.ORG with the message body of "unsubscribe SCA-Cooks".

============================================================================