SC - Fw: Food Guide (Silly)

[The Cheshire Cat]

>Someone forwarded this to me. It appeared on the list a while ago and like
>food spoiling me thinks it has mutated again.
>
>Sharon
>Stormhold


ARRRRRRRGH!!!!!!! THE POTATO SALAD IS RUNNING AMOK!!!  ARRRRRRRGH!!!!!
Sorry, don't know what came over me!!!!
- -Sianan (remembering that it's around about time to check her fridge and
cupboard for any alien life forms)
>
>
>>                    Spoilage Guide to Food
>>                 -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
>>
>> BREAD
>> Sesame seeds and Poppy seeds are the only officially acceptable
>> "spots" that should be seen on the surface of any loaf of bread.
>> Fuzzy and hairy looking white or green growth areas are good
>> indications that your bread has turned into a pharmaceutical
>> laboratory experiment.
>>
>>
>> CANNED GOODS
>> Any canned goods that have become the size or shape of a softball
>> should be disposed of. Carefully.
>>
>> CARROTS
>> A carrot that you can tie a clove hitch in is not fresh.
>>
>> CEREAL
>> It is generally a good rule of thumb that cereal should be discarded
>> when it is two years or longer beyond the expiration date.
>>
>> CHIP DIP
>> If you can take it out of its container and bounce it on the floor,
>> it has gone bad.
>>
>> DAIRY PRODUCTS
>> Milk is spoiled when it starts to look like yogurt. Yogurt is spoiled
>> when it starts to look like cottage cheese. Cottage cheese is spoiled
>> when it starts to look like regular cheese. Regular cheese is nothing
>> but spoiled milk anyway and can't get any more spoiled than it is
>> already.  Cheddar cheese is spoiled when you think it is bleu cheese
>> but you realize you've never purchased that kind.
>>
>> EGGS
>> When something starts pecking its way out of the shell, the egg is
>> probably past its prime.
>>
>> EMPTY CONTAINERS:
>> Putting empty containers back into the refrigerator is an old trick,
>> but it only works if you live with someone or have a maid.
>>
>> EXPIRATION DATES
>> This is NOT a marketing ploy to encourage you to throw away perfectly
>> good food so that you'll spend more on groceries. Perhaps you'd
>> benefit by having a calender in your kitchen.
>>
>> FLOUR
>> Flour is spoiled when it wiggles.
>>
>> FROZEN FOODS
>> Frozen foods that have become an integral part of the defrosting
>> problem in your freezer compartment will probably be spoiled (or
>> wrecked anyway) by the time you pry them out with a kitchen knife.
>>
>> GAG TEST
>> Anything that makes you gag is spoiled (except for leftovers from what
>> you cooked for yourself last night).
>>
>> LETTUCE
>> Bibb lettuce is spoiled when you can't get it off the bottom of the
>> vegetable crisper without sandpaper.  Romaine lettuce is spoiled when it
>>  turns liquid.
>>
>> MAYONNAISE
>> If it makes you violently ill after you eat it, the mayonnaise is
>> spoiled.
>>
>> MEAT
>> If opening the refrigerator door causes all stray animals within a
>> three-block radius to congregate outside your house, the meat is
>> spoiled.
>>
>> POTATOES
>> Fresh potatoes do not have roots, branches, or dense, leafy
>> undergrowth.
>>
>> RAISINS
>> Raisins should not be harder than your teeth.
>>
>> SALT
>> It never spoils.
>>
>> UNMARKED ITEMS:
>> You know it is well beyond prime when you're tempted to discard
>> the Tupperware along with the food.  Generally speaking, Tupperware
>> containers should not burp when you open them.
>>
>> GENERAL RULE OF THUMB:
>> Most food cannot be kept longer than the average life span of a
>> hamster. Keep a hamster in or near your refrigerator to gauge this.
>


******************************************************************************
Marina Denton
sianan at geocities.com

		Confidence is going after Moby Dick in a rowboat,
		and taking the tartare sauce with you.

		- Zig Zigler
******************************************************************************
 


============================================================================

To be removed from the SCA-Cooks mailing list, please send a message to
Majordomo at Ansteorra.ORG with the message body of "unsubscribe SCA-Cooks".

============================================================================