SC - Funny for us cooks - long and not having anything to do with the list.

[Michael F. Gunter]

I got this off the humor list and just saw the post-mortem of a feast...

I love Monty Python

Gunthar

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Constable: Mr. Hilton?
Mr. Hilton: Ah, yes.
Constable: You are sole proprietor and owner of the Whizzo Chocolate Company?
Mr. Hilton: I am.
Constable: Constable Parrot and I are from the Hygiene Squad...
Mr. Hilton: Oh, yes.
Constable: ...and we'd like to have a word with you about your box of
chocolates entitled "The Whizzo Quality Assortment."
Mr. Hilton: Ah, good, yes.
Constable: If I may begin at the beginning. First, there is the Cherry
Fondue. Now this is extremely nasty, but we can't
prosecute you for that!
Mr. Hilton: Agreed.
Constable: Next we have number four, "Crunchy Frog."
Mr. Hilton: Ah, yes.
Constable: Am I right in thinking there's a real frog in here?
Mr. Hilton: Yes, a little one.
Constable: Is it cooked?
Mr. Hilton: No.
Constable: What? A raw frog?
Mr. Hilton: We use only the finest baby frogs, due picked and flown from
Iraq, cleansed in the finest quality spring water,
lightly killed, and sealed in a ---- treble milk chocolate envelope, and
lovingly frosted with glucose!
Constable: That's as maybe, but it's still a frog!
Mr. Hilton: What else would it be?
Constable: What! Don't even take the bones out?
Mr. Hilton: If we took the bones out, it wouldn't be crunchy, would it?
Constable: Constable Parrot ate one of those!
Constable Parrot: Would you excuse me for a moment, sir?
Constable: Yes.
Mr. Hilton: Well, it says "Crunchy Frog" quite clearly.
Constable: They'll never mind that. We have to protect the public. People
aren't going to think there's a real frog in chocolate.
The superintendent thought it was ----. They're bound to think it's some
sort of mock frog.
Mr. Hilton: Mock frog?! We use no artificial preservatives or additives of
any kind!
Constable: Nevertheless, I advise you to in future change the words
"Crunchy Frog" with the legend "Crunchy, raw, unboned,
real, dead frog" if you want to avoid prosecution.
Mr. Hilton: What about our sales?
Constable: I don't give a damn about your sales. We have to protect the
public! Now, what was this one? Number five. It was
number five, wasn't it? Number five: "Ram's Bladder Cup!" Now what kind of
confection is this?
Mr. Hilton: We use choice ---- juicy chunks of fresh Cornish ram's bladder,
emptied, steamed, flavored with sesame seeds,
whipped into a fondue, and garnished with larks' vomit!
Constable: Larks' vomit?
Mr. Hilton: Correct.
Constable: It doesn't say anything down here about larks' vomit!
Mr. Hilton: Ah, yes, it does, on the bottom of the box, after monosodium
glutamate.
Constable: I hardly think this is good enough! It would be more appropriate
if the box bore a big red label. "Warning: Larks'
Vomit!"
Mr. Hilton: Our sales would plummet!
Constable: Well, why don't you move into more conventional areas of
confectionery, like praline or lime cream, a very
popular flavor I'm met to understand, or Strawberry Delight? I mean, what's
this one? "Cockroach Cluster?" And this,
"Anthrax Ripple?"
Constable Parrot: [Vomit]
Constable: And what's this one, "Spring Surprise?"
Mr.. Hilton: Aaah, that's our speciality! Covered in darkest, dowdy, smooth
chocolate, when you pop it in your mouth,
stainless steel bolts sprint out and punch straight through both cheeks!
Constable: If people pop a nice chocky in their mouth they don't expect to
get their cheeks pierced! In any case, it is an
inadequate description of the sweet in it! I shall have to ask you to
accompany me to the station.
Mr. Hilton: It's a fair cop.
Constable: And don't talk to the audience!
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