SC - FW: Ban bread!

[Christine A Seelye-King]

One of my protege's sends me funnies from time to time, I thought the
bakers on the list would appreciate this one.  
	Christianna
- --------- Begin forwarded message ----------
From: "Benson, Roger" <benro03 at mail.cai.com>


> just remember, there are liars, there are damn liars, and then there
are statisticians
> 
> 
> Subject: [olympians] Daily Bread
>   Date:  Fri, 06 Nov 1998 21:41:51 -0800
> 
> 
> A recent Cincinnati Enquirer headline read, "Smell of baked bread may
> be health hazard." The article went on to describe the dangers of the
> smell of baking bread. The main danger, apparently, is that the
> organic components of this aroma may break down ozone (I'm not making
> this stuff up).
> 
> I was horrified. When are we going to do something about bread-
> induced global warming? Sure, we attack tobacco companies, but when is
> the government going to go after Big Bread?
> 
> Well, I've done a little research, and what I've discovered should
> make anyone think twice....
> 
> 1: More than 98 percent of convicted felons are bread eaters.
> 
> 2: Fully HALF of all children who grow up in bread-consuming
> households score below average on standardized tests.
> 
> 3: In the 18th century, when virtually all bread was baked in the
> home, the average life expectancy was less than 50 years; infant
> mortality rates were unacceptably high; many women died in childbirth;
> and diseases such as typhoid, yellow fever and influenza ravaged whole
> nations.
> 
> 4: More than 90 percent of violent crimes are committed within 24
> hours of eating bread.
> 
> 5: Bread is made from a substance called "dough." It has been proven
> that as little as one pound of dough can be used to suffocate a mouse.
> The average American eats more bread than that in one month!
> 
> 6: Primitive tribal societies that have no bread exhibit a low
> occurrence of cancer, Alzheimer's, Parkinson's disease and
> osteoporosis.
> 
> 7: Bread has been proven to be addictive. Subjects deprived of bread
> and given only water to eat begged for bread after only two days.
> 
> 8: Bread is often a "gateway" food item, leading the user to "harder"
> items such as butter, jelly, peanut butter and even cold cuts.
> 
> 9: Bread has been proven to absorb water. Since the human body is more
> than 90 percent water, it follows that eating bread could lead to your
> body being taken over by this absorptive food product, turning you
> into a soggy, gooey bread-pudding person.
> 
> 10: Newborn babies can choke on bread.
> 
> 11: Bread is baked at temperatures as high as 400 degrees Fahrenheit!
> That kind of heat can kill an adult in less than one minute.
> 
> 12: Most American bread eaters are utterly unable to distinguish
> between significant scientific fact and meaningless statistical
> babbling.
> 
> In light of these frightening statistics, we propose the following
> bread restrictions:
> 
> 1: No sale of bread to minors.
> 
> 2: No advertising of bread within 1000 feet of a school.
> 
> 3: A 300 percent federal tax on all bread to pay for all the societal
> ills we might associate with bread.
> 
> 4: No animal or human images, nor any primary colors (which may appeal
> to children) may be used to promote bread usage.
> 
> 5: A $4.2 zillion fine on the three biggest bread manufacturers.
> Please send this e-mail on to everyone you know who cares about this
> crucial issue.
> 
> Remember: Think globally, act idiotically.
> 
> 

- --------- End forwarded message ----------

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