SC - FW: 21 steps to the proper preparation of gefilte fish

[Bonne of Traquair]

Not to open the kosher thread again, but this is from a Jewish friend 
on our local cooking list::

>
>Some of the yiddish may be lost but the humor should carry through
>
>Haddash is a Jewish women's organization. They do volunteer work and
>fundraising in support of hospitals in Israel.
>
>An hockmesser is, well, a chopper.
>
>> Subject:	21 steps to the proper preparation of gefilte fish
>> 
>>    A Jewish grandmother's 21 steps to the proper preparation of 
gefilte
>> fish:
>> 
>> 1. Two weeks before a major Jewish holiday, call your daughter and 
ask
>> her what she plans to serve at the festive meal. Express your 
outrage
>> when she suggests serving doctored up canned gefilte fish. Offer to 
make
>> the fish yourself.
>> 
>> 2. Suggest that your daughter take a day off from work so that she 
can
>> watch you make the fish, so she'll know how to do it for her kids 
after
>> she has put you in The Home. Two days before the holiday, call your
>> daughter and tell her  that you hate to disappoint her but you 
simply
>> don't have the strength to make gefilte fish.
>> 
>> 3. While your daughter is racing all over looking for a substitute
>> appetizer, get all dressed up and take a bus...and a subway...and
>> another bus...
>> 
>> 4. ...to an obscure fish store in a slum where they still sell LIVE
>> CARP.
>> 
>> 5. Examine the carp swimming in the fish tank. Ask the owner if any
>> fresher carp will be arriving soon.
>> 
>> 6. On principle, reject the first two fish that he offers you.
>> 
>> 7. Accept the third or fourth. Allow him to fillet and skin the 
carp
>> but NEVER let him put your fish near his electric grinder. Far be 
it from
>> you to accuse someone unjustly, but you know he has ground dead 
carp in
>> it.
>> 
>> 8. Lugging three heavy shopping bags filled with fish, take three 
buses
>> home, unless someone has told you about a way of taking four.
>> 
>> 9. Call your daughter and tell her that you felt a little bit 
better
>> and decided to go to your special fish store to pick up the carp. 
You know
>> how busy she is right before the holidays so you didn't want to ask 
her to
>> drive all the way out there.
>> 
>> 10. Tell her how exhausted you are and describe in detail the 
assassin
>> who tried to steal your pocketbook as you were boarding the second 
bus.
>> Inquire whether your daughter would mind picking you up. You 
normally
>> wouldn't ask but it's much easier to make the gefilte fish in her
>> kitchen because she has all the latest electric gadgets.
>> 
>> 11. Remove several washed mixing bowls from your daughter's 
dishwasher and
>> then rinse them to make sure they are clean.
>> 
>> 12. There should be a separate bowl for each ingredient so that 
dirt
>> from the carrots will not get on the celery. Put the diced carrots 
in one
>> bowl, the sliced celery in the second, the chopped onions in the 
third and
>> then combine them all in a fourth bowl. Ask your daughter to stop 
whatever
>> she is doing and come and watch you.
>> 
>> 13. Eye your daughter's food processor with suspicion. Ask her to 
help
>> you operate it. Chop the carp in it for 15 seconds, then move all 
the
>> ingredients into your ancient wooden chopping bowl.
>> 
>> 14. Rev up those Hadassah arms and attack the ingredients with a 
dull
>> bladed hockmesser for 90 minutes. Demand that your daughter 
acknowledge
>> the
>> superiority of your withered arm over a horsepower motor.
>> 
>> 15. Place your hand on your chest and moan. Accept your daughter's
>> offer to help. Give her the bowl and the hockmesser.
>> 
>> 16. Twelve seconds later, snatch the bowl and chopper out of your
>> daughter's hands. Tell her to watch carefully so she'll be more of 
a
>> help next year. Pulverize the fish with your chopper for another 52
>> minutes.
>> 
>> 17. On the bottom of a cast-iron pot with a non-matching lid 
(rescued
>> by your mother during a pogrom and brought in steerage to America),
>> arrange slices of carrots, onions, celery, fish heads, skin and 
bones.
>> 
>> 18. Form the chopped fish mush into oval patties and lay them 
gently on
>> top of  the ingredients in the pot.
>> 
>> 19. Add liquid and seasonings, bring the pot to a boil, lower to
>> simmer, cover the pot and let the fish cook until they're ready and 
taste
>> good...but not as good as last year's.
>> 
>> 20. After the patties cool, arrange them on a beautiful serving 
platter
>> for your daughter and her guests. Dump the heads, skin and bones in 
a
>> chipped bowl for yourself. Practice saying that the heads and the 
bones
>> are the tastiest portions until you sound convincing.
>> 
>> 21. The morning after the holiday, call your daughter and tell her 
that
>> you just tasted a piece of bottled fish that was even more 
delicious
>> than what she served last night. Tell her it's a shame she made it 
from
>> scratch when everyone does such wonderful things with canned.


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