SC - : Leftovers guide-Humor, sorta

[allilyn at juno.com]

Friends with whom I swap 'funnies' sent this, and I hope it will amuse!

Regards,
Allison,     allilyn at juno.com

- --------- Begin forwarded message ----------
From: "McAndrew-Schwoegl" <schwoegl at bellatlantic.net>
To: "Janet/Amaryllis" <schwoegl at bellatlantic.net>
Subject: Leftovers guide
Date: Mon, 6 Mar 2000 09:45:03 -0500



Whether you are a mom who cooks for many, a bachelor
who cooks on rare occasions for himself, or a new
college student who for the first time has his or her
own refrigerator -- you will eventually all open the
fridge one day and say to yourself,"Can I eat this or
will it kill me? Well here are some guidelines to
help you get through the crisis, so you will know
what to eat and what to toss.=20
THE GAG TEST ------------ Anything that makes you gag
is spoiled (except for leftovers from what you cooked
for yourself last night).=20
EGGS ---- When something starts pecking its way out
of the shell, the egg is probably past its prime.=20
DAIRY PRODUCTS --------------- Milk is spoiled when
it starts to look like yogurt. Yogurt is spoiled when
it starts to look like cottage cheese. Cottage cheese
is spoiled when it starts to look like regular
cheese. Regular cheese is nothing but spoiled milk
anyway and can't get any more spoiled than it is
already. Cheddar cheese is spoiled when you think it
is blue cheese, but you realize you've never
purchased that kind.=20
MAYONNAISE ----------- If it makes you violently ill
after you eat it, the mayonnaise is spoiled.=20
FROZEN FOODS ------------- Frozen foods that have
become an integral part of the defrosting problem in
your freezer compartment will probably be spoiled -
(or wrecked anyway) by the time you pry them out with
a kitchen knife.=20
EXPIRATION DATES ---------------- This is NOT a
marketing ploy to encourage you to throw away
perfectly good food so that you'll spend more on
groceries.=20
MEAT ---- If opening the refrigerator door causes
stray animals from a three-block radius to congregate
outside your house, the meat is spoiled.=20
BREAD ----- Sesame seeds and Poppy seeds are the only
officially acceptable "spots" that should be seen on
the surface of any loaf of bread. Fuzzy and hairy
looking white or green growth areas are a good
indication that your bread has turned into a
pharmaceutical laboratory experiment.=20
FLOUR ----- Flour is spoiled when it wiggles.=20
LETTUCE ------- Bibb lettuce is spoiled when you
can't get it off the bottom of the vegetable crisper
without Comet. Romaine lettuce is spoiled when it
turns liquid. (We didn't think you needed guidance
with this one)=20
CANNED GOODS -------------- Any canned goods that
have become the size or shape of a softball should be
disposed of. Carefully.=20
CARROTS ------- A carrot that you can tie a clove
hitch in is not fresh.=20
RAISINS -------- Raisins should not be harder than
your teeth.=20
POTATOES -------- If it looks like it is ready for
planting, toss it.=20
CHIP DIP -------- If you can take it out of its
container and bounce it on the floor, it has gone
bad.=20
EMPTY CONTAINERS ----------------- Putting empty
containers back into the refrigerator is an old
trick, but it only works if you live with someone or
have a maid.=20
UNMARKED ITEMS: -------------- You know it is well
beyond prime when you're tempted to discard the
Tupperware along with the food. Generally speaking,
Tupperware containers should not burp when you open
them.=20
GENERAL RULE OF THUMB: ----------------------- Most
food cannot be kept longer than the average life span
of a hamster. Keep a hamster in or nearby your
refrigerator to gauge this.


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