[Sca-cooks] Fwd: Martha's way? or Mine?

[XvLoverCrimvX at aol.com]

--
Some culinary humor that compares the average Joe and fake Martha Stewart.

Misha
--
From: "Louise Kapelewski/ Sailor Missy" <hyper4life at hotmail.com>
To: XvLoverCrimvX at aol.com, SparklingFleur at aol.com, MY2XTREME at cs.com,
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Subject: Martha's way? or Mine?
Date: Fri, 29 Jun 2001 16:36:56 -0400

Martha's way #1: Stuff a miniature marshmallow in the bottom of a sugar cone
to prevent ice cream drips.

My way: Just suck the ice cream out of the bottom of the cone, for Pete's
sake, you are probably lying on the couch with your feet up eating it
anyway.

*************

Martha's way #2: Use a meat
baster to "squeeze" your pancake
batter onto the hot griddle and you'll get
perfectly shaped pancakes every time.

My way: Buy the precooked kind
you nuke in the microwave for
30 seconds. The hard part is getting them
out of the plastic bag.

*************

Martha's way #3: To keep
potatoes from budding, place an
apple in the bag with the potatoes.

My way: Buy Hungry Jack
mashed potato mix and keep it in the
pantry for up to a year.

*************

Martha's way #4: To prevent
egg shells from cracking, add a
pinch of salt to the water before hard
boiling.

My way: Who cares if they
crack, aren't you going to take the
shells off anyway?

*************

Martha's way #5: To get the
most juice out of fresh lemons,
bring them to room temperature and roll
them under your palm against the
kitchen counter before squeezing.

My way: Sleep with the lemons in
between the mattress and box springs.

*************

Martha's way #6: To easily
remove burnt-on food from your
skillet, simply add a drop or two of dish
soap and enough water to cover
bottom of pan, and bring to a boil on
stovetop.

My way: Eat at Chili's every
night and avoid cooking.

*************

Martha's way #7: Spray your
Tupperware with nonstick cooking
spray before pouring in tomato based
sauces and there won't be any stains.

My way: Feed your garbage
disposal and there won't be any
leftovers.

*************

Martha's way #8: When a cake
recipe calls for flouring the
baking pan, use a bit of the dry cake mix
instead and there won't be any
white mess on the outside of the cake.

My way: Go to the bakery.
They'll even decorate it for you.

*************

Martha's way #9: If you
accidentally over salt a dish while
it's still cooking, drop in a peeled potato
and it will absorb the excess
salt for an instant "fix me up"

My way: If you over salt a dish
while you are cooking, that's
too bad.

My motto: I made it and you will
eat it and I don't care how bad it tastes.

*************


Martha's way #10: Brush some
beaten egg white over pie crust before
baking to yield a beautiful glossy finish.

My way: The Mrs. Smith frozen
pie directions do not include
brushing egg whites over the crust and so
I don't do it.

*************

Martha's way #11: Place a slice
of apple in hardened brown
sugar to soften it.

My Way: Brown sugar is
supposed to be "soft"?

*************

Martha's way #12: To determine
whether an egg is fresh, immerse
it in a pan of cool, salted water.
If it sinks, it is fresh, but if
it rises to the surface, throw it away.

My way: Eat, cook, or use the egg
anyway. If you feel bad later, it will be
evident that it wasn't fresh.  That way you
haven't wasted time testing it.

*************

Martha's way #13: Cure for
headaches: Take a lime, cut it in
half and rub it on your forehead.  The
throbbing will go away.

My way: Martha, dear, the only
reason this works is because
you can't rub a lime on your forehead
without getting lime juice in your eye,
and then the problem isn't the headache
anymore, it is because you are now
blind.

*************

Martha's way #14: Don't throw
out all that leftover wine.
Freeze into ice cubes for future use in
casseroles and sauces.

My way: Leftover wine?

*************

Martha's way #15: If you have a
problem opening jars:  Try
using latex dishwashing gloves.  They give
a non slip grip that makes opening
jars easy.

My way: Go ask the hunk next door
to do it.

*************

Martha's way #16: Potatoes will
take food stains off your
fingers. Just slice and rub raw potato on
the stains and rinse with water.

My way: Mashed potatoes will now
be replacing the anti-bacterial soap
in the handy dispenser  next to my sink.

*************

  Martha's way #17: Now look
what you can do with Alka Seltzer.
*   Clean a toilet. Drop in two Alka-Seltzer
tablets, wait twenty minutes,
brush and flush. The citric acid and
effervescent action clean vitreous
china.
*   Clean a vase. To remove a stain from
the bottom of a glass vase or cruet,
fill with water and drop in two
Alka-Seltzer tablets.
*   Polish jewelry. Drop two Alka-Seltzer
tablets into a glass of water and
immerse the jewelry for two minutes.
*   Clean a thermos bottle. Fill the bottle
with water, drop in four
Alka-Seltzer tablets, and let soak for an
hour (or longer, if necessary).

My way: Put your jewelry, vases,
and thermos in the toilet.  Add
some Alka-Seltzer and you have
solved a whole bunch of problems at once...
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