[Sca-cooks] HOW YOU KNOW YOU'VE BEEN A MEMBER OF THIS LIST TOO LONG:

[Rosine]

And now to try again after  using the "paste" key rather than the "send"
key.
> *ahem* The following is not my fault. Ioseph sent it to me.  - Rosine
>
> ************
Tuesday the 5th: I have discovered the Shire: a quaint little place filled
with short, boring, timid creatures called hobbits. it appears nothing more
exciting than a scandal ever happens here. Quite a change, really. I think
I'll stay a bit.

Wednesday the 6th: These hobbits have the most absurd names.

Friday the 14th: Damn. I was practicing magic in the woods and killed a
hobbit. A Mr. Snackytush or somesuch. Now I'll have to hide the body: these
creatures are so easily terrified. What a bother. At least they're good
cooks.....astonishing cooks, really.

Saturday the 15th: I am a changed man. Yesterday, I discovered the most
terrible secret -- something no other creature must learn. It tugs at my
soul, damning me with a fiendish hunger. As I prepared the body, I sucked
some of the blood off my hands and made my awful discovery -- hobbits are
tasty. No, that's wrong -- they are inconceivably delicious. I was halfway
through the poor man's thigh before I realized what I was doing. I left the
body and ran away.

Sunday the 16th: It all makes sense now. I can't imagine how this place has
lasted as long as it has: must be an elven conspiracy. Their names should
have given it away. Mr and Mrs Saucyvittles! The Homefries family! I am
going to slap the hell out of Elrond.....Damn, I can still taste that
halfling. I must be strong.

Monday the 17th: Young Berry Tartnose found the body by the river this
morning. The whole town is trembling at the thought of it. They think there
is some horrible monster in the woods. I have been asked to hunt the
creature down. I agreed. I'll summon up some silly beast that the town
elders can parade about. Dodged a bullet on that one.

Tuesday the 18th: I have become a fiend! The day started out well. I left
the village to summon the beast a mile or so away. As I brought forth the
"Megalodent" (a big blue rabbit), a gasp from nearby startled me. I fired a
bolt of fire into the bushes and Creamy Greatontoast fell out, dead! Damn.
The worst part about it was he lived up to his name. I am the wickedest man
alive.

Friday the 21st: I have left the Shire: the temptation is too great. This is
a problem I cannot deal with alone. I have started for Rivendell to speak
with Elrond (and slap him). Food tastes dull and ashen now -- wine is like
mud. The giant rabbit thing worked well, though. I am a hero to the hobbits.
They hope I come back soon. I will, too: I could only fit two hobbits in my
pack for the trip.

10 YEARS PASS

Wednesday the 9th: I have returned to the Shire. Was met with joy. I hope
this plan works.

Thursday the 10th: I can't believe anyone could be so gullible. I secretly
presented the ring to a mister Lardo Meatcake. It took some convincing
before he would bear it. I will meet him in Bree in a week. I feel bad about
this...but not bad enough. Hobbits are so precious.

Thursday the 17th: Met with Lardo in Bree. Tomorrow I will escort him out of
town to the "special place". Elrond better be there.

Friday the 18th:  Gods, what a meal! We lie here, Elrond and I, like stuffed
animals: torpid and happy. This was a wonderful idea. Hobbit goes with
everything.

Saturday the 19th: We have parted ways to return home. Elrond got his ring
back and agreed that this was worth repeating. Maybe we can get the hobbit
to go all the way to Rivendell next time!

73 YEARS PASS

Wednesday the 30th: Escaped from Saruman. Tomorrow I should be in Rivendell.
I hope I'm not late. Damn shame the ringbearer turned out to be a hobbit --
our old trick finally turned on us. I miss those days of decadent lunching.
Frodo's travelling companion was a great idea. I'll try to get Sam alone in
Ri*en%@ ;./''.)($ *f the group. Whoops, I'm drooling on the paper -- better
stop now.

Thursday the 31st:  Busy day today. Arrived at Rivendell and found Frodo
nearly dead. Without him the world is doomed to Sauron's wrath. Even more
important, Frodo brought extra hobbits! My mind boggles at the
possibilities. I will speak with Elrond tonight.

Sunday the 3rd: Caught Sam licking Frodo in bed. I don't think he noticed
me. Mmmm....hobbit-basted hobbit. Gods, I'm starving.

Tuesday the 5th:  Sam has been attending Frodo constantly since I arrived.
His tongue is relentless. How precious, the two of them. Frodo awoke late
this afternoon. Everyone is here. Tomorrow is the big meeting.

Wednesday the 6th: 1st day of the Fellowship. The meeting went better than
expected -- nobody died. As planned, the Fellowship was secretly chosen
based on how gay they were. Only got one elf, though.....strange. Somehow,
all of the hobbits ended up in the Fellowship. I don't know if I can take
that much stress. Elrond was pissed; accused me of rigging the volunteering.
I'm hungry.

Thursday the 7th:  2nd day of the Fellowship Elrond gave me some hobbit
jerky to pass me over if I swore not to eat any of them before we got back.
Untrusting bastard. I should never have given in so quickly: I only got two
weeks worth. We set out this morning.

Saturday the 9th:  4th day of the Fellowship. I swear I saw Frodo today
lying is a skillet of white wine sauce with mushroom, shallots and onions. I
eat hobbits in my dreams.

Sunday the 10th: 5th day of the Fellowship. This is harder than I thought.
I'm already halfway through the jerky and it only reminds me of how good
they are. Those four tasty bastards will be my undoing.

Tuesday the 12th: 7th day of the Fellowship.
I will not eat the Ringbearer. I will not eat the Ringbearer.
I will not eat the Ringbearer. I will not eat the Ringbearer.
I will not eat the Ringbearer. I will not eat the Ringbearer.
I will not eat the Ringbearer. I will not eat the Ringbearer.
I will not eat the Ringbearer. I will not eat the Ringbearer.

Wednesday the 13th:  8th day of the Fellowship. I ate the last of the jerky.
To fight my urges I have put gravel in my underpants. Harsh but effective.
The rest of the Fellowship has become a pack of flaming queers. Only a
handful of orcs dared to fight them. Gotta get back to opening the Mines
now. Wish I had written that password down.

Friday the 15th: 10th day of the Fellowship. Gravel doesn't work. Nothing
works. I'm so hungry. I gotta get outta here. If I eat one, Elrond'll kill
me. Maybe the balrog can help. He owes me money.

Sunday the 17th: 2th day of the Fellowship......I guess Plan worked. The
balrog and I parted ways yesterday -- now I can get some peace. It's good to
get that gravel out. I'll head back to the Shire and tempt my tummy. Then I
should be in shape to finish this whole affair. Well, better get back to the
pack horse before something eats him. Maybe I'll find some hobbits waiting.
I hope Sam doesn't kill them all.