[Sca-cooks] new cooks terms-ot
Bj Jane Tremaine
vikinglord at cox.net
Tue Oct 10 16:51:28 PDT 2006
Tue, October 10, 2006 - 5:24 AM
Al Dente: Italian term for the desired stage in the preparation
of pasta, when it is cooked yet still firm to the bite. Pasta that
has been boiled too long is described, according to the degree to
which it has been overcooked, as al gummo, al musho, al botcho,
and al garbaggio.
Barbecue: Primitive summertime rite at which spirits are present,
hunks of meat are sacrificed by being burnt on braziers by sauce-
smeared men wearing odd hats and aprons with cabalistic slogans,
and human flesh is offered to insects.
Basting: Process through which cooking juices in a roasting pan
are carefully transferred -- with a basting siphon, ladle or spoon
-- to the oven rack, the bottom of the oven, the inside of the oven
door, the floor, the stove top, and the counter.
Chef: Any cook who swears in French.
Cookbook: A collection of recipes arranged in such a fashion
that the cook must turn the page just after the point where a thick
paste of flour, water, and lard is mixed by hand.
Diet: The specific types and quantities of food that any given
individual will start eating tomorrow, next week, or after the
beginning of the new year.
Food: Any plant or animal substance that provides nourishment.
There are basically four broad categories of food: carbohydrates,
fats, proteins, and individually wrapped chocolates with cherry
Gadget: Any mechanical device that performs a kitchen task in
one-twentieth the time it takes to find it.
Gelatin: A pain in the aspic.
Gourmet: Anyone who, when you fail to finish something strange
or revolting, remarks that it's an acquired taste and that you're
leaving the best part.
Health Food: Any food whose flavor is indistinguishable from that
of the package in which it is sold.
Imported: Packed in a box, can, carton or bottle with a label
containing lies in a foreign language.
Jams and Jellies: Sweet fruit confections served at breakfast with
toast, muffins or other baked goods. Oddly enough, jams and
jellies are considered diet foods, since the calories expended in
opening the jars and packets in which they are sold greatly exceeds
the number consumed in the course of eating their contents.
Kitchen Cabinet: Storage areas containing items that should
have been put somewhere else.
Ladle: The only thing that is edible in a pot of leek soup.
Marinade: Any flavored liquid mixture in which a dish whose
recipe you just looked up after deciding to serve it this evening
should have been soaking in since at least last night.
Noodles: Honestly! Nobody, but nobody, calls them noodles
anymore. Wash your mouth out with kir and see PASTA.
Oven Mitt: A partially charred grease stain that fits over the hand.
Picnic: Any meal eaten more than 100 yards from the nearest
Recipe: A series of step-by-step instructions for preparing
ingredients you forgot to buy in utensils you don't own to make
a dish the dog won't eat the rest of.
Sugar: One of a class of carbohydrates present in one form or
another in all foods. Common sources of sugar and the types
they contain are: fructose and glucose (fruit juice and honey);
lactose (milk); sucrose (sugar cane or sugar beets); maltose
(malt); and jocose, verbose, morose, lachrymose, bellicose, and
Taste: 1. The ability to distinguish between, say, Tripes a la Mode
de Caen and chocolate pudding. 2. The critical discernment
necessary to choose the chocolate pudding.
Timer: Adjustable clock that rings or otherwise signals when
a particular dish is overcooked.
Utensil: A spill, cut, burn, or bungle with a handle on the end.
Vinaigrette: Basic French dressing that consists of too much oil
added a bit too quickly to a mixture containing partially ground
peppercorns from a malfunctioning mill, an excess of salt, all the
juice that could be gotten out of an old lemon half, and dry mustard
that fell out of the can in a big lump.
Whisk: One of a number of exercise devices used by sedentary
cooks to develop muscles and improve body tone. Other items
of workout equipment found in kitchens include the egg beater
(strengthens pectorals), the cheese grater (enlarges triceps), and
the salad spinner (firms up deltoids).
Yogurt: Semisolid dairy product made from partially evaporated
and fermented milk. Yogurt is one of only three foods that taste
exactly the same as they sound. The other two are goulash and
Zinfandel: Red wine produced in very large volume in California
and available by the liter or gallon in both premium and unleaded
varieties. The best recent vintage is the 11:35 a.m., though some
people swear by the 9:58.
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