[Sca-cooks] OP, but food related MRE's

[JAMES REVELLS]

I found this story on Baen's Bar, a web site for SF fans (Ringo's Tavern 
conference to be exact), I have forwarded the story to the people at Iron 
Chef, maybe they can do a Tribute Challenge for Veterans Day.
Pax,
Olaf

Subject: MRE Cuisine...

This is supposedly a true story.. No names to protect my old buddy from
getting killed.. If she did kill him, I think if there was one or more
women on the jury, they would find her not guilty!!


I had a date the other night at my place. On the phone the day before,
the girl asked me to "Cook her something she's never had before" for dinner.
After many minutes of scratching my head over what to make, I finally
settled on something she has DEFINITELY never eaten.


I got out my trusty case of military MREs... Meal, Ready-to-Eat. Field
rations that, when eaten in their entirety, contain 3000+ calories.
Here's what I made:


I took three of the Ham Slices out of their plastic packets, took out
three of the Pork Chops, three packets of Chicken-a-la-King, and eight
packets of dehydrated butter noodles and some dehydrated/rehydrated rice.
I cooked the Ham Slices and Pork Chops in one pan, sautéed in shaved
garlic and olive oil.


In another pot, I blended the Chicken a-la-king, noodles, and rice
together to make a sort of mush that looked suspiciously like
succotash. I added some spices, and blended everything together in a
glass pan that I then cooked in the oven for about 35 minutes at 450 
degrees.


When I took it out, it looked like, well, ham slices, pork chops, and a
bed of yellow poop. I covered the tops of the meat with the MRE cheese
(kinda like Velveeta) and added some green sprinkly thingies from one
of my spice cans (hey, if it's got green sprinkly thingies on it, it
looks fancy right?)


For dessert, I took four MRE Pound Cakes, mashed 'em up, added five
packets of cocoa powder, powdered coffee cream, and some water. I
heated it up and stirred it until it looked like a sort of chunky gelatinous
organism, and I sprinkled powdered sugar on top of it. Voila --- Ranger
Pudding.


For alcoholic drinks, I took the rest of my bottle of Military Special
Vodka (yes, they DO make a type of liquor named "Military Special"--it
sells for $4.35 per fifth at the Class Six ) and mixed in four packets
of "Electrolytes - 1 each - Cherry flavored" (I swear, the packet says 
that).
It looked like an eerie kool-aid with sparkles in it (that was the
electrolytes I guess... could've been leftover sand from Egypt).


I lit two candles, put a vase of wildflowers in the middle, and set the
table with my best set of Ralph Lauren Academy-series China (that shit
is EXPENSIVE... my set of 8 place settings cost me over $600 on sale at
the Jejune PX ), and put the alcoholic drink in a crystal wine decanter.


She came over, and I had some appetizers already made of MRE
spaghetti-with-meatballs set in small cups. She saw the dinner, saw the
food, and said "This looks INCREDIBLE!!!"


We dug in, and she was loving the food. Throughout the meal, she kept
asking me how long it took me to make it, and kept remarking that I
obviously knew a thing or two about cooking fine meals. She kind of
balked at the makeshift "wine" I had set out, but after she tried it I
guess she liked it because she drank four glasses during dinner.


At the end of the main course, when I served the dessert, she squealed
with delight at the "Chocolate mousse" I had made. Huh? Chocolate what?
Okay... yeah... it's Chocolate Moose. Took me HOURS to make... yup.


Later on, as we were watching a movie, she excused herself to use my
restroom. While she was in there, I heard her say softly to herself "uh
oh" and a resounding but petite fart punctuated her utterance of dismay.


Let the games begin.


She sprayed about half a can of air freshener (Air Freshener, 1 each,
Orange scent. Yup. The military even makes smellgood) and returned to
the couch, this time with an obvious pained look.


After 10 more minutes she excused herself again, and retreated to the
bathroom for the second time, I could hear her say "What the hell is
WRONG with me???" as she again sent flatulent shockwaves into the
porcelain bowl. This time, they sounded kinda wet, and I heard the
toilet paper roll being employed, and again, LOTS more air freshener.


Back to the couch. She smiles meekly as she decides to sit on the chair
instead of next to me. She sits on my chair, knees pulled up to her
chest, kind of rocking back and forth slightly. Suddenly, without a
word, she ROCKETED up and FLEW to the bathroom, slammed the door, and
didn't come out for 30 minutes.


I turned the movie up because I didn't want her to hear me laughing so
hard that tears were streaming down my cheeks.


She came out with a slightly gray pallor to her face, and said "I am
SOOOOOO sorry. I have NO idea what is wrong with me. I am so
embarrassed, I can't believe I keep running to your bathroom!!" I gave
her an Imodium AD, and she finally settled down and relaxed.


Later on, she asked me again what I had made for dinner, because she
had enjoyed it so much. I calmly took her into the kitchen and showed
her all the used MRE bags and packets in the trash can.


After explaining to her that she had eaten roughly 9,000 calories of
"Marine Corps Field Rations" she turned stark white, looked at me
incredulously, and said "I ate 9,000 calories of dehydrated food that
was made 3 years ago?" After I concurred, she grabbed her coat and
keys, and took off without a word.


She called me yesterday. Seems she didn't have a bowel movement for 5
days, and when she finally did, the smell was so bad, her roommate
could smell it from down the hall. She also told me she had been
working out nonstop to combat the high caloric intake, and that she
never wanted me to cook dinner for her again, unless she was PERSONALLY
there to inspect the food beforehand.


It was a fun date. She laughed about it eventually and said that was
the first time she'd ever crapped at guy's house on a date. She'd been
so upset by it she was in tears in the bathroom while I had been in
tears on the couch.


I know ... I'm an Asshole, but it was still a funny night.

-------------------------------------------------------

For all of us who over the years have had "field Rations" weather MRE's, old 
"C" or "K", we can appreciate this story.

Yours,

Hal
The Tiger Chief
>From the Swamp
In God we trust all others we monitor