[Sca-cooks] Chef's Dictionary

Saint Phlip phlip at 99main.com
Sun Nov 4 17:19:17 PST 2007

Chef's Dictionary

Al Dente: Italian term for the desired stage in the preparation of
pasta, when it is cooked yet still firm to the bite. Pasta that has
been boiled too long is described, according to the degree to which it
has been overcooked, as al gummo, al musho, al botcho, and al

Barbecue: Primitive summertime rite at which spirits are present,
chunks of food are sacrificed by being burnt on braziers by
sauce-smeared men wearing odd hats and aprons with cabalistic slogans,
and human flesh is offered to insects.

Basting: Process through which cooking juices in a roasting pan are
carefully transferred -- with a basting siphon, ladle or spoon-- to
the oven rack, the bottom of the oven, the inside of the oven door,
the floor, the stove top, and the counter.

Chef: Any cook who swears in French.

Cookbook: A collection of recipes arranged in such a fashion that the
cook must turn the page just after the point where a thick paste of
flour, water, and lard is mixed by hand.

Diet: The specific types and quantities of food that any given
individual will start eating tomorrow, next week, or after the
beginning of the new year.

Food: Any plant or animal substance that provides nourishment. There
are basically four broad categories of food: carbohydrates, fats,
proteins, and individually wrapped chocolates with cherry centers.

Gadget: Any mechanical device that performs a kitchen task in
one-twentieth the time it takes to find it.

Gelatin: A pain in the aspic.

Gourmet: Anyone who, when you fail to finish something strange or
revolting, remarks that it's an acquired taste and that you're leaving
the best part.

Health Food: Any food whose flavor is indistinguishable from that of
the package in which it is sold.

Imported: Packed in a box, can, carton or bottle with a label
containing lies in a foreign language.

Jams and Jellies: Sweet fruit confections served at breakfast with
toast, muffins or other baked goods. Oddly enough, jams and jellies
are considered diet foods, since the calories expended in opening the
jars and packets in which they are sold greatly exceeds the number
consumed in the course of eating their contents.

Kitchen Cabinet: Storage areas containing items that should have been
put somewhere else.

Ladle: The only thing that is edible in a pot of leek soup.

Marinade: Any flavored liquid mixture in which a dish whose recipe you
just looked up after deciding to serve it this evening should have
been soaking in since at least last night.

Noodles: Honestly! Nobody, but nobody, calls them noodles anymore.
Wash your mouth out with soap and see PASTA.

Oven Mitt: A partially charred grease stain that fits over the hand.

Picnic: Any meal eaten more than 100 yards from the nearest bathroom.

Recipe: A series of step-by-step instructions for preparing
ingredients you forgot to buy in utensils you don't own to make a dish
the dog won't eat the rest of.

Sugar: One of a class of carbohydrates present in one form or another
in all foods. Common sources of sugar and the types they contain are:
fructose and glucose (fruit juice and honey); lactose (milk); sucrose
(sugar cane or sugar beets); maltose (malt); and jocose, verbose,
morose, lachrymose, bellicose, and comatose (alcohol).

Taste:  1. The ability to distinguish between, say, Tripes a la Mode
de Caen and chocolate pudding. 2. The critical discernment necessary
to choose the chocolate pudding.

Timer: Adjustable clock that rings or otherwise signals when a
particular dish is overcooked.

Utensil: A spill, cut, burn, or bungle with a handle on the end.

Vinaigrette: Basic French dressing that consists of too much oil added
a bit too quickly to a mixture containing partially ground peppercorns
from a malfunctioning mill, an excess of salt, all the juice that
could be gotten out of an old lemon half, and dry mustard that fell
out of the can in a big lump.

Whisk: One of a number of exercise devices used by sedentary cooks to
develop muscles and improve body tone. Other items of workout
equipment found in kitchens include the egg beater (strengthens
pectorals), the cheese grater (enlarges triceps), and the salad
spinner (firms up deltoids).

Yogurt: Semisolid dairy product made from partially evaporated and
fermented milk. Yogurt is one of only foods that taste exactly the
same as they sound.

Zinfandel: Red wine produced in very large volume in California and
available by the liter or gallon in both premium and unleaded
varieties and tastes good anytime.

Saint Phlip

Heat it up
Hit it hard
Repent as necessary.


It's the smith who makes the tools, not the tools which make the smith.

.I never wanted to see anybody die, but there are a few obituary
notices I have read with pleasure. -Clarence Darrow

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