[Sca-cooks] Kitchen tips

Ian Kusz sprucebranch at gmail.com
Tue Aug 26 19:02:17 PDT 2008

On Wed, Aug 20, 2008 at 12:40 PM, Jennifer Carlson <talana1 at hotmail.com>wrote:

> When preparing a boar's head for the head table:
> If you want to endore it, use a WHITE pig's head.  Black pig + egg yolk =
> green!
> To remove the bristles, do NOT scald and pluck/scrape - it works on the
> animal's back, but not the head.  Use a propane torch to singe them off.  Do
> this outside.  Please.
> If Gunthar is the current king, make sure the boar's head is not just for
> show, because he WILL want to eat it.  (Only time I've ever had to tell my
> sovereign "No.")
> Talana

Meat on a stick is the only period recipe, other than bread and butter.
Vegetables must be avoided.
Instruct the patrons of the feast that, in order to contact a server or
cook, they should raise both hands above their heads, and shout, "HO,
Bread must be buttered using one's thumbs.  Utensils are not to be used.
For the truly scrupulous, they should place food on the table, and bury
their face into it.  Before it's killed, of course.
Place dogs behind the tables, so that the bones can be thrown somewhere.
Patrons should wipe their hands upon the tablecloth and the servers.  The
tablecloth should be made of fur or hide; ideally, a live sheep.  If this
preferred method is used, please keep a watch upon Scots and Welshmen.
Eructation is the highest compliment to the chef.  Followed by flatulence.
A truly appreciative and correct patron will engage in both, copiously.
Copulation at table is to be avoided, unless the butter is out of the way.
If the butter is to be used for this endeavor, please leave half the amount
for the next-door patron.
Chewing on other patrons is frowned upon, unless you are recreating a feast
from Southern Nubia or Polynesia.  (This joke included to annoy Polynesians,
who hate cannibal jokes, rather like Kentuckyans hating in-breeding jokes.)
Smoke 'em if you got 'em; if protests or disagreements (about anything)
ensue, hand-to-hand combat and/or wrestling must take place in front of the
high table for the amusement of the most distinguished guests.
Entertainment MUST be provided.  Entertainment must include either,
juggling/tumbling, midgets (political correctness is not period), nudity, or
The nobles' personal wizards must stand behind them and whisper into their
ears at least once.
Poison must be approved by the cooks, to prevent allergic reactions.
Any spellcasting must not strike patrons, and must be used solely to
eliminate competing wizards, witches, sorcerors/sorceresses, conjurors,
shamen, and witchdoctors, or for entertainment purposes.

> Ian of Oertha

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