[Sca-cooks] Old Testament Parenting

Laura C. Minnick lcm at jeffnet.org
Mon Oct 1 04:16:20 PDT 2012

This was posted on John Michael Talbot's Facebook page, and I swear he 
had a surveillance camera on my house this weekend! My granddaughters 
(almost 2) were here for their auntie's wedding (which came off 
beautifully and I may eventually recover) and this is pretty much how it 
went. He must have been out of the room during Anastasia's performance 
with the Floor Banana though. Who knew your toes could be used to serve 
banana goo? ;-)

- Liutgard

          Old Testament Parenting
          'Lamentations of the Father'
          by Ian Frazier
          Laws of Forbidden Places

          Of the beasts of the field, and of the fishes of the sea, and
          of all foods that are acceptable in my sight you may eat, but
          not in the living room. Of the hoofed animals, broiled or
          ground into burgers, you may eat, but not in the living room.
          Of the cloven-hoofed animal, plain or with cheese, you may
          eat, but not in the living room. Of the cereal grains, of the
          corn and of the wheat and of the oats, and of all the cereals
          that are of bright color and unknown provenance you may eat,
          but not in the living room. Of quiescently frozen dessert and
          of all frozen after-meal treats you may eat, but absolutely
          not in the living room.

          Of the juices and other beverages, yea, even of those in
          sippy-cups, you may drink, but not in the living room, neither
          may you carry such therein. Indeed, when you reach the place
          where the living room carpet begins, of any food or beverage
          there you may not eat, neither may you drink. But if you are
          sick, and are lying down and watching something, then may you
          eat in the living room.

          Laws When at Table

          And if you are seated in your high chair, or in a chair such
          as a greater person might use, keep your legs and feet below
          you as it were. Neither raise up your knees, nor place your
          feet upon the table, for that is an abomination unto me. Yea,
          even when you have an interesting bandage to show, your feet
          upon the table are an abomination, and worthy of rebuke.

          Drink your milk as it is given you, neither use on it any
          utensils, nor fork, nor knife, nor spoon, for that is not what
          they are for; if you will dip your blocks in the milk, and
          lick it off, you shall be sent away.

          When you have drunk, let the empty cup then remain upon the
          table, and do not bite it upon its edge and by your teeth hold
          it to your face in order to make noises in it sounding like a
          duck: for you shall be sent away.

          When you chew your food, keep your mouth closed until you have
          swallowed, and do not open it to show your brother or your
          sister what is within; I say to you, do not so, even if your
          brother or your sister hath done the same to you.

          Eat your food only; do not eat that which is not food; neither
          seize the table between your jaws, nor use the raiment of the
          table to wipe your lips. I say again to you, do not touch it,
          but leave it as it is.

          And though your stick of carrot does indeed resemble a marker,
          draw not with it upon the table, even in pretend, for we do
          not do that, that is why. And though the pieces of broccoli
          are very like small trees, do not stand them upright to make a
          forest, because we do not do that,that is why.

          Sit just as I have told you, and do not lean to one side or
          the other, nor slide down until you are nearly slid away. Heed
          me; for if you sit like that, your hair will go into the
          syrup. And now behold, even as I have said, it has come to pass.

          Laws Pertaining to Dessert

          For we judge between the plate that is unclean and the plate
          that is clean, saying first, if the plate is clean, then you
          shall have dessert.

          But of the unclean plate, the laws are these: If you have
          eaten most of your meat, and two bites of your peas with each
          bite consisting of not less than three peas each, or in total
          six peas, eaten where I can see, and you have also eaten
          enough of your potatoes to fill two forks, both forkfuls eaten
          where I can see, then you shall have dessert.

          But if you eat a lesser number of peas, and yet you eat the
          potatoes, still you shall not have dessert; and if you eat the
          peas, yet leave the potatoes uneaten, you shall not have
          dessert, no, not even a small portion thereof.

          And if you try to deceive by moving the potatoes or peas
          around with a fork, that it may appear you have eaten what you
          have not, you will fall into iniquity. And I will know, and
          you shall have no dessert.

          On Screaming

          Do not scream; for it is as if you scream all the time. If you
          are given a plate on which two foods you do not wish to touch
          each other are touching each other, your voice rises up even
          to the ceiling, while you point to the offense with the finger
          of your right hand; but I say to you, scream not, only
          remonstrate gently with the server, that the server may
          correct the fault.

          Likewise if you receive a portion of fish from which every
          piece of herbal seasoning has not been scraped off, and the
          herbal seasoning is loathsome to you and steeped in vileness,
          again I say, refrain from screaming. Though the vileness
          overwhelm you, and cause you a faint unto death, make not that
          sound from within your throat, neither cover your face, nor
          press your fingers to your nose. For even I have made the fish
          as it should be; behold, I eat it myself, yet shall not surely

          Concerning Face and Hands

          Cast your countenance upward to the light, and lift your eyes
          to the hills, that I may more easily wash you off. For the
          stains are upon you; even to the very back of your head, there
          is rice thereon.

          And in the breast pocket of your garment, and upon the tie of
          your shoe, rice and other fragments are distributed in a
          manner wonderful to see.

          Only hold yourself still; hold still, I say. Give each finger
          in its turn for my examination thereof, and also each thumb.
          Lo, how iniquitous they appear. What I do is as it must be;
          and you shall not go hence until I have done.

          Various Other Laws, Statutes, and Ordinances

          Bite not, lest you be also bitten again. Neither drink of your
          own bath water, nor of the bath water of any kind; nor rub
          your feet on bread, even if it be in the package; nor rub
          yourself against cars, not against any building; nor eat sand.

          Leave the cat alone, for what has the cat done, that you
          should so afflict it with tape? And hum not the humming in
          your nose as I read, nor stand between the light and the book.
          Indeed, you shall drive me to madness. Nor forget what I said
          about the tape.

"It is our choices Harry, that show what we truly are, far more than our 
abilities." -Albus Dumbledore ~~~Follow my Queenly perambulations at: 

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