[Sca-cooks] Old Testament Parenting
Laura C. Minnick
lcm at jeffnet.org
Mon Oct 1 04:16:20 PDT 2012
This was posted on John Michael Talbot's Facebook page, and I swear he
had a surveillance camera on my house this weekend! My granddaughters
(almost 2) were here for their auntie's wedding (which came off
beautifully and I may eventually recover) and this is pretty much how it
went. He must have been out of the room during Anastasia's performance
with the Floor Banana though. Who knew your toes could be used to serve
banana goo? ;-)
- Liutgard
Old Testament Parenting
'Lamentations of the Father'
by Ian Frazier
Laws of Forbidden Places
Of the beasts of the field, and of the fishes of the sea, and
of all foods that are acceptable in my sight you may eat, but
not in the living room. Of the hoofed animals, broiled or
ground into burgers, you may eat, but not in the living room.
Of the cloven-hoofed animal, plain or with cheese, you may
eat, but not in the living room. Of the cereal grains, of the
corn and of the wheat and of the oats, and of all the cereals
that are of bright color and unknown provenance you may eat,
but not in the living room. Of quiescently frozen dessert and
of all frozen after-meal treats you may eat, but absolutely
not in the living room.
Of the juices and other beverages, yea, even of those in
sippy-cups, you may drink, but not in the living room, neither
may you carry such therein. Indeed, when you reach the place
where the living room carpet begins, of any food or beverage
there you may not eat, neither may you drink. But if you are
sick, and are lying down and watching something, then may you
eat in the living room.
Laws When at Table
And if you are seated in your high chair, or in a chair such
as a greater person might use, keep your legs and feet below
you as it were. Neither raise up your knees, nor place your
feet upon the table, for that is an abomination unto me. Yea,
even when you have an interesting bandage to show, your feet
upon the table are an abomination, and worthy of rebuke.
Drink your milk as it is given you, neither use on it any
utensils, nor fork, nor knife, nor spoon, for that is not what
they are for; if you will dip your blocks in the milk, and
lick it off, you shall be sent away.
When you have drunk, let the empty cup then remain upon the
table, and do not bite it upon its edge and by your teeth hold
it to your face in order to make noises in it sounding like a
duck: for you shall be sent away.
When you chew your food, keep your mouth closed until you have
swallowed, and do not open it to show your brother or your
sister what is within; I say to you, do not so, even if your
brother or your sister hath done the same to you.
Eat your food only; do not eat that which is not food; neither
seize the table between your jaws, nor use the raiment of the
table to wipe your lips. I say again to you, do not touch it,
but leave it as it is.
And though your stick of carrot does indeed resemble a marker,
draw not with it upon the table, even in pretend, for we do
not do that, that is why. And though the pieces of broccoli
are very like small trees, do not stand them upright to make a
forest, because we do not do that,that is why.
Sit just as I have told you, and do not lean to one side or
the other, nor slide down until you are nearly slid away. Heed
me; for if you sit like that, your hair will go into the
syrup. And now behold, even as I have said, it has come to pass.
Laws Pertaining to Dessert
For we judge between the plate that is unclean and the plate
that is clean, saying first, if the plate is clean, then you
shall have dessert.
But of the unclean plate, the laws are these: If you have
eaten most of your meat, and two bites of your peas with each
bite consisting of not less than three peas each, or in total
six peas, eaten where I can see, and you have also eaten
enough of your potatoes to fill two forks, both forkfuls eaten
where I can see, then you shall have dessert.
But if you eat a lesser number of peas, and yet you eat the
potatoes, still you shall not have dessert; and if you eat the
peas, yet leave the potatoes uneaten, you shall not have
dessert, no, not even a small portion thereof.
And if you try to deceive by moving the potatoes or peas
around with a fork, that it may appear you have eaten what you
have not, you will fall into iniquity. And I will know, and
you shall have no dessert.
On Screaming
Do not scream; for it is as if you scream all the time. If you
are given a plate on which two foods you do not wish to touch
each other are touching each other, your voice rises up even
to the ceiling, while you point to the offense with the finger
of your right hand; but I say to you, scream not, only
remonstrate gently with the server, that the server may
correct the fault.
Likewise if you receive a portion of fish from which every
piece of herbal seasoning has not been scraped off, and the
herbal seasoning is loathsome to you and steeped in vileness,
again I say, refrain from screaming. Though the vileness
overwhelm you, and cause you a faint unto death, make not that
sound from within your throat, neither cover your face, nor
press your fingers to your nose. For even I have made the fish
as it should be; behold, I eat it myself, yet shall not surely
die.
Concerning Face and Hands
Cast your countenance upward to the light, and lift your eyes
to the hills, that I may more easily wash you off. For the
stains are upon you; even to the very back of your head, there
is rice thereon.
And in the breast pocket of your garment, and upon the tie of
your shoe, rice and other fragments are distributed in a
manner wonderful to see.
Only hold yourself still; hold still, I say. Give each finger
in its turn for my examination thereof, and also each thumb.
Lo, how iniquitous they appear. What I do is as it must be;
and you shall not go hence until I have done.
Various Other Laws, Statutes, and Ordinances
Bite not, lest you be also bitten again. Neither drink of your
own bath water, nor of the bath water of any kind; nor rub
your feet on bread, even if it be in the package; nor rub
yourself against cars, not against any building; nor eat sand.
Leave the cat alone, for what has the cat done, that you
should so afflict it with tape? And hum not the humming in
your nose as I read, nor stand between the light and the book.
Indeed, you shall drive me to madness. Nor forget what I said
about the tape.
--
"It is our choices Harry, that show what we truly are, far more than our
abilities." -Albus Dumbledore ~~~Follow my Queenly perambulations at:
http://slugcrossings.blogspot.com/
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