WR - Dating Rules

Dennis J Dolan djdolan at juno.com
Sat Apr 10 17:09:19 PDT 1999


|>>>Ten Simple Rules for Dating My Daughter
|>>>
|>>>Rule One: If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be
|>>delivering a package, because you're sure not picking anything up.
|>>>
|>>>Rule Two: You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance
|>>at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you
|>>cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will
remove
|>>them.
|>>>
|>>>Rule Three: I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of
|>>your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be
|>>falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you
and
|>>all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and
|>>open minded about this issue, so I propose his compromise: You may
come
|>>to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too
|>>big, and I will not object. However, In order to ensure that your
|>>clothes do not, in fact, come off during the course of your date with
my
|>>daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers
|>>securely in place to your waist.
|>>>
|>>>Rule Four: I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex
without
|>>utilizing a "barrier method" of some kind can kill you. Let me
|>>elaborate: when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill
you.
|>>>
|>>>Rule Five: In order for us to get to know each other, we should talk
|>>about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do
|>>this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when
|>>you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only
|>>word I need from you on this subject is "early."
|>>>
|>>>Rule Six: I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many
|>>opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it
is
|>>okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my
little
|>>girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished
|>>with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.
|>>>
|>>>Rule Seven: As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter
|>>to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If
you
|>>want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My
daughter
|>>is putting on her makeup, a process that can take longer than painting
|>>the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don't you
do
|>>something useful, like changing the oil in my car?
|>>>
|>>>Rule Eight: The following places are not appropriate for a date with
my
|>>daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than
a
|>>wooden stool. Places where there are no parents, policemen, or nuns
|>>within eyesight. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is
|>>dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient
|>>temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank
|>>tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater,
and
|>>a goose down parka zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong
|>>romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which feature
|>>chainsaws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are better.
|>>>
|>>>Rule Nine: Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a pot-bellied,
balding,
|>>middle-aged, dim-witted has-been. But on issues relating to my
daughter,
|>>I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask you
where
|>>you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth,
|>>the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel,
|>>and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.
|>>>
|>>>Rule Ten: Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to
|>>mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in
|>>over a rice paddy outside of Hanoi. When my Agent Orange starts acting
|>>up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I
wait
|>>for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the
driveway
|>>you should exit your car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the
|>>perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my
|>>daughter home safely and early, then return to your car - there is no
|>>need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is
mine.



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