sca-lochac A Yeast Laurel's Drinking Manual.

[Nan Bradford-Reid]

Forwarded from Lochac list:


============================================================================
>
>___________________________________________________________________
>                 A Yeast Laurel's Drinking Manual
>
>      Original is an Urban Myth, Modifications by Drake Morgan.
>	          Thanks for Katryn of the Forest
>                 and Meliora DiCurci for their help	
>___________________________________________________________________
>			   Disclaimer:
>
>
>The Author of this work is clinically insane and therefore is not
>responsible for this work.  He is not a yeast laurel, not a laurel
>(or a peer) of any kind and after this is certainly won't have a
>snowball's chance in hell of becoming one anyway.
>
>___________________________________________________________________
>
>
>SYMPTOM: Drinking fails to give taste and satisfaction, beer is
>         unusually pale and clear.
>FAULT:   Drinking Horn Empty.
>ACTION:  Find the Autocrat and complain about the consumables until
>	 He/She gives you another beer.
>
>
>SYMPTOM: Drinking fails to give taste and satisfaction, and the front
>         of your doublet is wet.
>FAULT:   Mouth not open when drinking or drinking horn is applied to
>         wrong part of face.
>ACTION:  Buy another beer and practice in front of a glassy lake.
>         Drink as many as needed to perfect drinking technique.
>
>
>SYMPTOM: Feet cold and wet.
>FAULT:   Tankard being held at incorrect angle.
>ACTION:  Turn tankard other way up so that open end points toward
>         ceiling.
>
>
>SYMPTOM: Feet warm and wet.
>FAULT:   Improper bladder control.
>ACTION:  Go stand next to nearest Squire. After a while, complain to
>         their Knight about their Squire's lack of house training
>         and demand a beer as compensation.
>
>
>SYMPTOM: Floor blurred.
>FAULT:   You are looking through bottom of empty glass.
>ACTION:  Find someone who will give you another beer and ask why
>         it was in a glass in the first place, as they're not
>         period.
>
>
>SYMPTOM: Floor swaying.
>FAULT:   Excessive air turbulence, perhaps due to court/
>         bardic circle/peerage meeting in progress.
>ACTION:  Insert rattan length down back of doublet.
>
>
>SYMPTOM: Room Spinning.
>FAULT:	 Your probably doing the bear dance.
>ACTION:  Collapse and ask the populace, "What are they doing to
>	 the trees".  Some Knight will take pity on you, sit you
>         down and hand you a drinking horn.  If the room is still
>	 spinning, stop drinking or keep drinking until it stops.
>
>
>SYMPTOM: Floor moving.
>FAULT:   You are being carried out.
>ACTION:  Find out if you are being taken to another feast.  If
>         not, complain loudly to the autocrat that you are being
>         kidnapped.
>
>
>SYMPTOM: Opposite wall covered with ceiling beams with banners
>         hanging away from it.
>FAULT:   You have fallen over backward.
>ACTION:  If your tankard is full and no one is standing on your
>         drinking arm, stay put. If not, get someone to help you
>         get up; lash self to nearest pelican.
>
>
>SYMPTOM: Everything has gone dim, mouth full of hedgehogs and almonds.
>FAULT:   You have fallen forward.
>ACTION:  See above.
>
>
>SYMPTOM: Everything his gone dim, your face is lying on something soft.
>FAULT:   You have fallen forward in court.
>ACTION:  Apologise to the King and Queen and make some excuse about not
>         being a costume laurel.
>
>
>
>SYMPTOM: Everything has gone dark.
>FAULT:   The Feast has finished.
>ACTION:  Panic.
>
>
>SYMPTOM: You can't spell "Mead" for your A&S Entry.
>FAULT:   If you feel a compulsion to enter an A&S competition
>         then it's time to stop drinking permenantly and ring
>         the funny farm.
>ACTION:  You can spell "Beer" instead.  Laurels can't tell the
>         difference between Mead and Beer anyway.
>
>
>SYMPTOM: You awaken to find your bed hard, cold and wet.  You cannot
>         see anything in your bedroom.
>FAULT:   You have spent the night in the gutter.
>ACTION:  Ring your Chronicller and check if another feast is on.
>         If not, treat yourself to a lie-in.
>
>
>Complements of.....
>
>Drake Morgan.
>
>--------------------------------------------------------------------------
>|Email: drake.morgan at caa.gov.au|              EMAIL Warning!!!            |
>|   PH: (06) 2685099 (BH)      |                                          |
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>--------------------------------------------------------------------------
>| I've eaten 7 kinds of Meat.  | Technological progress is like an axe in |
>| I'm a true renaissance man!  | the hands of a pathological criminal.    |
>|              - Homer Simpson |                        - Albert Einstein |
>--------------------------------------------------------------------------
>

=====================================end of forward==========================

Cheers? Oh, yeah, CHEERS!


Catherine