sca-lochac A Yeast Laurel's Drinking Manual.
Nan Bradford-Reid
n.b-reid at mail.utexas.edu
Fri Oct 27 07:34:49 PDT 1995
Forwarded from Lochac list:
============================================================================
>
>___________________________________________________________________
> A Yeast Laurel's Drinking Manual
>
> Original is an Urban Myth, Modifications by Drake Morgan.
> Thanks for Katryn of the Forest
> and Meliora DiCurci for their help
>___________________________________________________________________
> Disclaimer:
>
>
>The Author of this work is clinically insane and therefore is not
>responsible for this work. He is not a yeast laurel, not a laurel
>(or a peer) of any kind and after this is certainly won't have a
>snowball's chance in hell of becoming one anyway.
>
>___________________________________________________________________
>
>
>SYMPTOM: Drinking fails to give taste and satisfaction, beer is
> unusually pale and clear.
>FAULT: Drinking Horn Empty.
>ACTION: Find the Autocrat and complain about the consumables until
> He/She gives you another beer.
>
>
>SYMPTOM: Drinking fails to give taste and satisfaction, and the front
> of your doublet is wet.
>FAULT: Mouth not open when drinking or drinking horn is applied to
> wrong part of face.
>ACTION: Buy another beer and practice in front of a glassy lake.
> Drink as many as needed to perfect drinking technique.
>
>
>SYMPTOM: Feet cold and wet.
>FAULT: Tankard being held at incorrect angle.
>ACTION: Turn tankard other way up so that open end points toward
> ceiling.
>
>
>SYMPTOM: Feet warm and wet.
>FAULT: Improper bladder control.
>ACTION: Go stand next to nearest Squire. After a while, complain to
> their Knight about their Squire's lack of house training
> and demand a beer as compensation.
>
>
>SYMPTOM: Floor blurred.
>FAULT: You are looking through bottom of empty glass.
>ACTION: Find someone who will give you another beer and ask why
> it was in a glass in the first place, as they're not
> period.
>
>
>SYMPTOM: Floor swaying.
>FAULT: Excessive air turbulence, perhaps due to court/
> bardic circle/peerage meeting in progress.
>ACTION: Insert rattan length down back of doublet.
>
>
>SYMPTOM: Room Spinning.
>FAULT: Your probably doing the bear dance.
>ACTION: Collapse and ask the populace, "What are they doing to
> the trees". Some Knight will take pity on you, sit you
> down and hand you a drinking horn. If the room is still
> spinning, stop drinking or keep drinking until it stops.
>
>
>SYMPTOM: Floor moving.
>FAULT: You are being carried out.
>ACTION: Find out if you are being taken to another feast. If
> not, complain loudly to the autocrat that you are being
> kidnapped.
>
>
>SYMPTOM: Opposite wall covered with ceiling beams with banners
> hanging away from it.
>FAULT: You have fallen over backward.
>ACTION: If your tankard is full and no one is standing on your
> drinking arm, stay put. If not, get someone to help you
> get up; lash self to nearest pelican.
>
>
>SYMPTOM: Everything has gone dim, mouth full of hedgehogs and almonds.
>FAULT: You have fallen forward.
>ACTION: See above.
>
>
>SYMPTOM: Everything his gone dim, your face is lying on something soft.
>FAULT: You have fallen forward in court.
>ACTION: Apologise to the King and Queen and make some excuse about not
> being a costume laurel.
>
>
>
>SYMPTOM: Everything has gone dark.
>FAULT: The Feast has finished.
>ACTION: Panic.
>
>
>SYMPTOM: You can't spell "Mead" for your A&S Entry.
>FAULT: If you feel a compulsion to enter an A&S competition
> then it's time to stop drinking permenantly and ring
> the funny farm.
>ACTION: You can spell "Beer" instead. Laurels can't tell the
> difference between Mead and Beer anyway.
>
>
>SYMPTOM: You awaken to find your bed hard, cold and wet. You cannot
> see anything in your bedroom.
>FAULT: You have spent the night in the gutter.
>ACTION: Ring your Chronicller and check if another feast is on.
> If not, treat yourself to a lie-in.
>
>
>Complements of.....
>
>Drake Morgan.
>
>--------------------------------------------------------------------------
>|Email: drake.morgan at caa.gov.au| EMAIL Warning!!! |
>| PH: (06) 2685099 (BH) | |
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>--------------------------------------------------------------------------
>| I've eaten 7 kinds of Meat. | Technological progress is like an axe in |
>| I'm a true renaissance man! | the hands of a pathological criminal. |
>| - Homer Simpson | - Albert Einstein |
>--------------------------------------------------------------------------
>
=====================================end of forward==========================
Cheers? Oh, yeah, CHEERS!
Catherine
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