[Bards] The Flash Flood
Samuel E Orton
iainmacc at juno.com
Tue Sep 2 06:53:00 PDT 2003
On Mon, 1 Sep 2003 21:14:19 -0700 (PDT) ML
>Submitted for your kind consideration, although it's
>not what I'd call a typical bardic piece. Feel free
>to give constructive criticism.
Not typical, true. But excellent, I thought. Anyway, for
>The Flash Flood by Lady Madelina de Lindesay
I think it would do just as well, perhaps better, just as "Flash
>In the high summer, when the drought begins, and big
>cumulo-nimbus clouds roll in,
>and all in a flash, the lightning sparks bright, the
>brisk winds pick up, then just before night,
>the warm rain comes down.
I would try to find some other way to say this than
"cumulo-nimbus". It just seems clumsy to me.
>Now coming harder, the pattering drops make mud of
>dust, and batter down the crops.
>First rills to creeks, and then to streams growing,
>the wild river fills, then overflowing,
>it teems out its banks.
Batter down... "batter" has the emphasis on the wrong syllable to
properly fit the meter... hmmm...
Also, I think I'd lose the "it" in the last line and gain an
"of", so it reads, "teems out of its banks". Or perhaps, "runs over its
banks". "Teems" is kind of a strange sounding word, it doesn't seem to
work well there, although I couldn't tell you why I think so.
>I'll bake bricks of the mud, build a keep strong, and
>that's where I'll rest and know I belong.
>For after a flood, the silted land grows. I may cry
>at night, when the wind blows, but...
>I'll listen for thunder.
I do LOVE the way it ends, though...
In Joyful Service,
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