bardkat at comcast.net
Wed Nov 14 20:41:18 PST 2007
Here's a quick cliff-notes version for those of you who might want a
refresher on the story. (Reposted with permission from another list)
~ Ka ... er ... Gerald
by Rathflaed DuNoir
The Black Bard of Meridies
mka: Stephen R. Melvin
See Grendel. See Grendel eat. Eat, Grendel, eat. Grendel is eating a
few Danish for breakfast. Grendel especially likes the ones with the
yellow coating on top. This is good because there are so many of them.
See Hrothgar. He is sad. Sad, sad, sad. His warriors are leaving. They
are sad because Grendel has eaten many of their friends. They do not want
to play with Grendel anymore because Grendel is mean.
Hrothgar is also sad because his food is almost gone. Grendel eats the cows
and pigs and horsies, too. Grendel is very hungry. Eat, Grendel, eat.
Hrothgar is also sad because his wife will not stop complaining. Whine,
wife, whine. Hrothgar has tried to stop listening to her for three days
now. Drink, Hrothgar, drink. Hrothgar is almost out of mead. Poor
See Beowulf. He is big and strong and handsome. He has long viking braids
and pointy horns on his hat and a really big sword. Ooh, Beowulf, ooh!
He is sailing to Denmark to visit Hrothgar. Sail, Beowulf, sail. He does
not know that Hrothgar is almost out of mead. Poor Beowulf.
Beowulf likes to sail. Beowulf likes to drink even more. Poor Beowulf.
When he gets to Denmark, there is only enough mead left for one feast.
Poor Beowulf. Poor Hrothgar. Poor warriors. Poor Grendel. Beowulf is
very mad. Mad, mad, mad.
Beowulf vows to slay Grendel. Vow, Beowulf, vow. He promises to do
many great feats. He swears to return with Grendel's head. Drink, Beowulf,
Beowulf is lying very still. Is he waiting to surprise Grendel? No, he
is not waiting to surprise Grendel. Is he meditating? No, he is not
meditating. Is he practicing an Arcane magical ritual involving a lawn
chair, six milk bottles and a tuning fork? No, he is unconscious. Won't
he be surprised when he wakes up and they tell him about his promises?
Won't he be happy to know that he has a quest? Won't he feel grand
when the warriors cheer him? No, Beowulf will not feel grand for awhile.
He has a headache. Poor Beowulf. Please stop cheering warriors.
O see the castle. It is very quiet. Is it quiet because everyone is
afraid of Grendel? No it is not quiet becaude everyone is afraid of
Grendel. Is it quiet because everyone is afraid of Beowulf? Yet, it
is because everyone is afraid of Beowulf. Beowulf has had a very bad
headache for three days. Last night, Beowulf's head hurt so bad that
he was very mad. Mad, mad, mad. Grendel came over to play and made too
much noise. Beowulf was very upset. Beowulf was so upset that he ripped
Grendel's arm off and hung it over the door. Poor Grendel. Poor
warriors. Smile at Beowulf. Just do it quietly.
O see the feast hall. It is bright and cheery. There is food on the
tables and mead in the horns and a great big arm over the door. See
the feasters. They are singing and laughing and drinking. Are they
happy that Grendel is dead? Yes, they are happy that Grendel is dead.
Are they happy that they can laugh and sing and play again? Yes, they
are they happy that they can laugh and sing and play again. But most of
all they are happy that there is more mead. Drink, Beowulf, drink.
O see Hrothgar. He is happy. Happy, happy, happy.
Is he happy that Grendel is dead? Is he happy that there is more mead?
Yes, but he is mostly happy because his wife has stopped complaining.
Smile, Hrothgar, smile.
O see Grendel's mother. She is sad. Sad, sad, sad. Is she sad because
Grendel is gone? Is she sad because her other children never call? Is
she sad because the Angels are losing again? Yes, she is sad because of
all these things. But she is mostly sad because she won't get any more
mother's day presents. This makes her mad. Mad, mad, mad.
She gets so mad that she decides to have some Danish for dessert. That is
silly. Everyone knows that you are supposed to have Danish for breakfast.
Silly, silly, silly.
In fact it is so silly that we think that Grendel's mother may have had
something besides food for dinner. We think that Grendel's mother may
have been drinking. Just like Beowulf.
O see Beowulf. Now that there is mead again he is drinking some more.
Drink, Beowulf, drink. When Grendel's mother comes to the feast,
Beowulf has already drunk quite a bit. So has Grendel's mother. He thinks
she is the
most beautiful woman in the world and makes a pass at her. Pass, Beowulf,
pass. She is caught off guard and says no. Tease, monster, tease.
Beowulf tries again. She leaves and he goes home with her. Grendel's mother
never heard from again. Beowulf was very quiet about the whole situation.
Quiet, quiet, quiet.
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