[Bordermarch] good news

[Lathrop, Dave]

Nomis,

Your courtly spies have convoluted some of the facts concerning my good Lady's dilemma that took place in the privy.
She did indeed abscond, and drag me into the most holiest of sanctuaries, the female privy, but the reason is far from what your spies have relayed to you.
She had been feeling quite faint of late, and at this particular moment in time we just happened to be in the mist of great celebration and merriment.
She rose from her seat and coyly looked my way and whispered, "Santiago, come with me, I need you now." I looked at her, bemused, and filled with curiosity. I had seen this look before, and knew full well it probably meant she needed a strong back to carry some ungodly heavy item back into the feast-hall; I didn't budge.
Since she must have realized I needed further prodding to pry me away from the sumptuous feast that was set before me, she went into her " I will kill you if you don't move now" mode. I watched her eyebrows knit into two tightly woven Chinese finger traps, her lips started to compress into thin knife-like slices of ruby red death, and I saw a yellow sulfurous smoke begin to swirl within her beautiful blue-gray eyes! I got up immediately.
It was as if someone turned off a switch as she steered me towards the privy. She said in the softest whisper "I feel faint," and then proceeded to enter the privy.
Not wanting to break the golden rule of Man-Law, "Never, Ever-Ever enter a female privy when it is occupied by a female," I remained at the door.
That's when she sort of yelled "I need you, NOW!" The two guards stationed at the portcullis of the feast-hall looked up, but did not budge from their station.
I was petrified! There was no one to turn to; I took a step towards the open door, but hesitated and looked to see if anyone was watching. Only the two guards seemed to be aware of the situation that was taking place at the privy door.
One foot slid over the threshold, then the other, and then the door slammed shut!
I was in the female privy with my wife, and the guards saw me enter, I was a dead man for sure.
She collapsed onto the single long-drop in the privy and put her head between her knees.
Nomis, do not take this the wrong way, but she did tell me in a rather loud voice, "Get this dress off me!" I couldn't believe what I was hearing, "Perhaps I should fetch one of the ladies to help you," said I. "NO! I need YOU!" was her response.
I did as she asked. I could see she was truly faint from the heat and lack of libation. "What could I do to comfort her? I know! I'll dribble water on her back!" That was the first thing that popped into my brain, so that's what I did. I also patted her forehead with my damp hand. That did the trick, for soon after my administering the magic healing drops of soothing cool water, she proceeded to start laughing.
"What's so funny?" I asked. She giggled and said "Now, how are we going to get out of here without anyone seeing us?" I went back into a panicked state. Entering the privy together was bad enough, but exiting, and being seen exiting together might bring far worse consequences than I could imagine.
I cracked the door and peered out; "All is well my Love, none are in sight." I moved out first and hid behind a large bush near the door, HE Elisabeth followed closely behind as we turned towards the portcullis and saw the two guards at their stations grinning at us.
HE Elisabeth shot them a glance that took the smile from their faces, but as she passed them, the grin returned when they look at my totally embarrassed expression.
Once outside the feast-hall, HE Elisabeth took in a breath of night air and said, "OK, I'm better now, let's go back in."
"Good God have mercy on me. Please wipe clean all impure thoughts from those that would think impure thoughts." That's the best I could come up with as we headed back into the feast-hall to rejoin our friends.
All went well for the rest of the evening except I did miss the dessert that was served at feast.

P.S. 
Nomis, please have your courtly spies watch very carefully a certain protégée to the Monochrome Master. Though he be small in stature and most glib with the tongue, I trust him not, for he has ensorcelled me and has been "chubbing" up to me as of late; I do feel most uncomfortable with his intentions.

HE Santiago



"Ware thy Green Dragon in Kingdom Gleann Abhann,"
"it spews out a fire that sets a mind throbbing."

A dire warning carved into a petrified turnip, discovered in the ruins of the "Temple of the Rocking Holy Water." 








  






-----Original Message-----
From: bordermarch-bounces at lists.ansteorra.org [mailto:bordermarch-bounces at lists.ansteorra.org] On Behalf Of nomistk at bordermarch.org
Sent: Monday, November 10, 2008 9:27 PM
To: bordermarch at lists.ansteorra.org
Subject: [Bordermarch] good news


   Your excellency,

   It is with such great pleasure that I hear your words of reassurance.
   I find it difficult to keep my spirits up is this endless land of goat
   droppings.  I can only assure you that the Ram we recieved did not
   have all of the fleas of this kingdom.  There is plenty more to
   spare.  I feel that the river that separates the two kingdoms must act
   as a natural barrier that prevents the vermin of this land to enter
   our fair kingdom.  As far as the Dung lady I must say in my defence
   that by the smell that I was left with I was sure she had indeed
   comforted me, by it seems I feel asleep and awoke unclean, again.

   I must also say that my courtly spies have sent me great news of your
   recovered male virtues.  By the information that made my ears the
   Baroness absconded you into the privy and put your libido to the
   test.   The demands that were heard through the walls of the keep were
   enough to make the crackmaster blush.  Rumor has it you appeared
   several minutes later ( another good sign) with your lady feeling
   faint and disheveled.  Word has it that the congratulatory salute by
   the guards was returned by you with the slyest of grins, Oh it's good
   to be the Baron!

   Speaking of the crack master I must say that I to tried to master the
   art of the brow crack long ago.  I was hoping to be able to influence
   people towards my desires but alas I was unable to continue the
   studies.  My teacher, Phil Me Craken, misunderstood what I was asking
   for and I was thus forced to pursue my learnings in another direction.

   I have penetrated deep into the enemy's territory and am approaching
   the beast lair they call the Green Dragon.  If they do indeed have a
   Green Dragon at thier disposal we will be sorley pressed to stop thier
   advances.  I will be reporting back shortly.
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