[Bordermarch] The Allure of "The Bone Table"

[Lathrop, Dave]

Unto the Camelopard Bone People Barony Bordermarch,

Just when we think humanity has shed its repulsive-base-primordial instincts for all time; just when we think mankind has finally reached the apex of its civilization; just when we assume that we are the most intelligent and rational thinking creatures to have ever walked this good earth, and just when we're certain that we are now the cat's meow, someone brings a giraffe's dirty leg bone to populace and spoils everything!

I brought the leg bone to populace last night to prove to all present that deep within the recesses of our minds, we still harbor an elemental need to play with our food.
I shall relate what transpired during last night's populace meeting to those fortuitous souls who could not be in attendance.

Upon HE Elisabeth's and my early arrival at populace last night, I promptly placed a 30 inch long giraffe leg bone, that still had a bit of dried rawhide attached to it, on the centermost table in the Lodge room. I shall refer to this table from hence forth as "The Bone Table".
I  plied The Bone Table with multiple copies of the latest issue of the Trumpeter, our Baronial newsletter, thereby surrounding the leg bone with irresistible eye candy.
It was all a ruse! A subterfuge! A diabolical deception!  I knew that the newsletters would lure the populace to the bone table. I postulated that none would be able to resist their need to touch the leg bone in honor of our ancient ancestor's  [after-dinner] play time ritual called, "Playing-With-The-Bones".

Let us now catalog for posterity the actions and reactions of those proud members of Barony Bordermarch who attended September's populace meeting. Our main focus shall be the mental and physical response associated to their spying the 30 inch long leg bone on The Bone Table:

1.       HE Elisabeth was the first to grab up the leg bone, she eagerly posed with it as I snapped her picture. She was studying the leg bone when she spied a stuffed buzzard bird in the corner of the room. She promptly abandoned the bone, and sprinted straight for the buzzard bird! I was exposed for the first time since I'd met Elisabeth to her hunter-gatherer instincts. She made it to her prey in a heartbeat and plopped down on the floor right in front of the buzzard bird's outstretched head. Elisabeth then commenced to stare the buzzard bird down, but  the buzzard didn't flinch. When a puff of wind mysteriously blew through the room it caused the buzzard bird's feather's to ruffle just a bit; Elisabeth was startled! The pupils in her eyes dilated instantly, and her hands shot up into a defensive "High Guard" like position. Since the buzzard bird never attacked her she must have realized that it was now or never. Before I could blink she had grabbed buzzard bird's neck and started to bite its beak! It was difficult to pry her away from the buzzard bird, but I managed to calm her down enough to get her seated before any of the populace showed up.


2.       Lord Vaclav Slovaczek saw the bone and started chewing on it like a corn on the cob.



3.       Lady Meresankh Demiana Wimhotep was appalled that anyone would even touch the nasty thing; she eventually broke down and picked it up two handed a tried to club Lord Slovaczek over the head with it.



4.       Countess Mistress Tessa of the Gardens immediately picked it up and stuck it under her nose to simulate a nose pierced with a bone.



5.       Lord Simonn used the leg bone as a crutch and hobbled across the room pretending to be someone twice his age; great acting!



6.       M'lord Chrestien Brule folded his lower leg behind his back and stuck the leg bone neth his exposed knee. He looked very much like the gimp-legged buccaneer he longs to be.



7.       Lord Phocas held the leg bone to his mouth in the transverse flute position. He even had all his fingers in the proper places to rip off a minor pentatonic scale; sometimes he scares me.



8.       M'lord Gary tried to take a huge bite from the leg bone. I think he only got a mouthful of rawhide that was dangling from the bone.



9.       Lady Padraigin would not stop trying to balance the bone on her head. The leg bone weighs at least 10 pounds, and it was putting a dent in her noggin; we finally took it away from her.



10.   Lady Cataline Dragomir was very coy at first, but she eventually warmed up to the leg bone, and insisted we snap her photo for her kids.



11.   M'lord Bo wanted to hug the leg bone.



12.   M'lady Karen, wife of M'lord Bo wanted to hug the leg bone.



13.   M'lord  Bo, and M'lady Karen ended up having a tug-o-war with the leg bone; we had to break them up.



14.   HE Dona Leah's pearly white grin made her look like some kind of raptor when she was grappling with the leg bone.



15.   M'lord Zakk , being but a year old, was smaller than the leg bone.



16.   Lady Bianca was busy with M'lord Zakk and missed her chance to hold the leg bone.



17.   HE Don Armand was entrapped by HE Elisabeth and HE Dona Leah, then forced to put the leg bone on his head.



18.   Lord Zephan Marc Wimhotep wanted to grab up the leg bone and wrestle with it, but Lady Meresankh forced him to stay seated.



19.   Lord Zane refused to let his mortal desires rule the day. He managed to abstain from touching the leg bone, but I fear that his abstinence shall cost him dearly.



20.   Lady Libby wanted to swing the bone like a caveman's club, we got it away from her just in time.



21.   Lord NIkolai displayed extremely apprehensive behavior towards the bone. He became very agitated when he was asked if he want to hold it. He must have been traumatized by a giraffe leg bone when he was a child. HE Elisabeth became very concerned for Lord Nikolai. She reassured him that she understood his fears, and then laid the leg bone on his head when he wasn't looking. Lord Nikolai is still alive and well despite the leg bone having touched him.



22.   HE Santiago can touch the leg bone any time he wants because he owns it!


Lord Adolf the Bear, our Seneschal, could not attend the meeting due to him being struck down silly with the flue.
Our officers, one and all,  gave stellar officer reports. They filled the populace in on the happenings in and around the barony.
Lord Zane was announced to have been approved by Kingdom to be Bordermarch's newest Knight Marshal. Vivat! Lord Zane!
Lord Phocas announced his turning over to me the Chroniclers position he's held for so long. His eyes were tearing up from either great sadness or extreme joy; none could tell. Vivat! Lord Phocas for going above and beyond for the good of the barony.

Lord Phocas also brought some wooden flutes he made at his daughter Lady Lyllianne's request. He relayed the enjoyment he got from being forced to learn something about music theory before he could begin making the flutes.

After the meeting ended, a pile of us went to the local Chinese Restaurant for some fine dining. We made it there about 35 minutes before the restaurant closed; there wasn't much left on the buffet tables. 15 minutes before closing time here come Lady Padraigin, Lady Cataline, and Lady Libby. The waiter's heads just drooped. At closing time our group was the only customers left; they wanted us out of there! The ladies were smacking their gums, talking, laughing, eating, and gyrating in their seats, all at the same time!
Embarrassed, I finally rose and went to pay our tab; the guy at the counter never cracked a smile. I went back to the table and opened my fortune cookie; it said, "You Pease Eave Now!"  Elisabeth's said, "No Mo White Wice fo You!"  I could take a hint. I got up and had to hustle the group of clacking hens at the end of the table out of the restaurant myself!
We were barely out the door when they slammed it shut behind us. We heard a dead-bolt slid into place, but that didn't stop the chit-chat between the women one bit!
It took everything I had, but I managed to lure them off the restaurant's doorstep and into the parking lot. I started the car and had to pretend I was leaving before Elisabeth and the Ladies would break up their giggle session.

All-in All, another typical populace meeting for the Bordermarch family; I wouldn't have it any other way.

HE Santiago