ES - Fwd: ANST - Gunnora's Rules for Confrontation

Vicki Marsh vicki_marsh at hotmail.com
Wed Dec 8 07:38:18 PST 1999


Greetings, Elfsea,
from Baroness Xene.

This is an excellent post from Mistress Gunnora, which I felt that those who 
are not on the Ansteorra list should read.  Please forgive the duplication 
if you have already read it.

When Stella and Caelin have said in the meetings that when you have a 
problem with someone, go directly to that person and discuss it with them, 
this is how to do it effectively.

Gunnora wrote:
>
I was recently asked about being confrontational, and how I avoided being in 
trouble all the time while still being confrontational.
>
>I took some time to articulate my views on this topic for the questioner, 
>and I thought it might be useful to others as well.
>
>There are times to jump somebody's butt, and there are times to gripe only 
>to your one or two closest friends.  Picking your fights is an important 
>skill for the confrontational and outspoken person.  Sometimes venting to a 
>friend who can be *absolutely* trusted not to carry it further is a Good 
>Thing and is all that is needed for a given situation.
>
>A wise woman once said, "When you step in shit, scrape it off!  Don't sit 
>down and play in it."  That's a good rule for the overly confrontational.
>
>My personal rule is that if someone else is having a problem, especially my 
>spouse or my apprentices, I encourage *them* to go speak to the malefactor 
>themselves and I try *real* hard not to become involved.  If they try and 
>the malefactor is an ass about it, then I may get involved on the level of, 
>"Look, I know Lady Apprentice tried talking to you about this and she 
>didn't feel that she got a good response.  What's the story from your side 
>of things?"  And depending on the response I may go back and lecture the 
>apprentice because they were being dumb or misunderstood the situation 
>etc., I may set up a meeting between the apprentice and the malefactor that 
>I will moderate, or chew the britches off the malefactor -- depending on 
>what's most appropriate.
>
>On the other hand, there are situations where a champion is needed.  Either 
>no one can talk to the person because he or she is boneheaded, or it's a 
>delicate matter that everyone else is embarrassed to bring up, or its a 
>case where "little people" feel they would endanger their SCA career if 
>they speak to Duke Sir Pelican Bigshot themselves but where you might have 
>more success.
>
>Confrontation need not be hostile.  Sometimes it's better to think of it as 
>"negotiation".  Confrontation and compromise are the tools of the diplomat, 
>of the Peer, and of the mature person.  Confrontation is a good tool for 
>getting things done if you avoid going off half-cocked, and don't butt into 
>battles that are not yours to fight.
>
>A good checklist for "should I get involved?":
>
>(1) Am I butting in? Is the problem something that mainly concerns other 
>people?
>  If it is not my battle, I will encourage the involved folks to open 
>negotiations about the problem themselves and resolve it.
>
>(2) Is this my fight? Is this something that directly affects me? Is this a 
>problem that only I can solve?  Is there someone who would be better suited 
>to take up this matter (i.e., a friend of the malefactor, their Laurel if 
>it is an apprentice, etc)? If this is your fight, then is it really major 
>enough to require a battle?
>
>(3) Am I having a kneejerk reaction? If I wait a day or two and calm down, 
>will I still feel the need to wage this war? Will this problem correct 
>itself without my intervention?
>
>(4) Is this a righteous battle?  Am I in the right absolutely?  Know all 
>your facts, and double-check before starting a fight -- it saves much 
>embarrassment.
>Get the story from everyone who was there.  Don't go off based only on the 
>rumor-mill.
>
>
>(5) Is my intention to just punish the person, or am I genuinely interested 
>in trying to correct a problem?  If you're going for pure punitive action, 
>drop it. Yelling at people only makes them resentful and often worsens the 
>bad behavior.
>  If you are not going to work for a civilized resolution with an open mind 
>on your side of the equation, you have no business having the current 
>confrontation.
>
>
>Sometimes I find it very useful to go to my friends before I have a 
>confrontation, and tell them what the problem is and see if *my* reaction 
>to it is reasonable.
>  I pick level-headed friends for this sort of thing -- you want water 
>thrown on the blaze if you're out of line, not gasoline!
>
>If you decide that you really need to have the confrontation, then you must 
>do it in a business-like manner.  Imagine that this discussion is taking 
>place in an office setting with people around you who can fire you for 
>unbusinesslike behavior.
>
>Take the person to a private location.  Confrontations do not need large 
>audiences.
>  Think of times your boss has taken you into an office, closed the door, 
>and chewed you out -- you want to strive for that sort of encounter, with 
>you in the "boss" chair. If the person refuses to meet privately, at least 
>try and keep the volume down and avoid creating a scene.  An ugly 
>confrontation causes more damage than a lot of bad behavior that you want 
>to confront people about.
>  It is better to wait and try to catch the person in a more private 
>location!
>
>
>When you do talk, tell the person, calmly and clearly what the problem is.
>If it is not something that you personally witnessed, ask them for their 
>side of the story before you go any further -- you may find that the 
>gossip-monger who griped about the problem to you was lying, misinformed, 
>exaggerating, etc.
>
>
>Once you've established with the person that there is a problem, explain 
>clearly and concisely why it is a problem and what exactly you want them to 
>do to remedy it.  Be prepared to negotiate.
>
>Finish up by telling the person the consequences of not modifying their 
>behavior.
>  I find that saying, "If this doesn't improve, I will come back and we'll 
>talk about it again" is a much more effective and behavior-changing threat 
>than any other thing I can do.  Most people *hate* confrontations, and 
>would rather have their toenails pulled out with hot pliers than have you 
>come back and have a calm discussion with them again.
>
>It is almost impossible to ignore someone who discusses things in a cold, 
>crisp, businesslike manner.  It is hard to take seriously the screaming 
>hysterical idjit jumping up and down in front of you and foaming at the 
>mouth.  Learning to be calm, cool, and collected while having these 
>discussions is probably the hardest thing for confrontational folks, but it 
>is a vital life skill that will serve you well both in the SCA and in the 
>real world.
>
>Now, as a note, there *are* times I've gone off half-cocked.  I *have* 
>started confrontations that I probably shouldn't have.  No one is perfect, 
>and most of us have gone right from impulse to action without the brain 
>being consulted in between.  Use your friends as a resource to help you 
>throttle back.  Try a delay period -- wait a few hours or a few days to 
>cool down.  But when *you* make a mistake, be prepared to have others 
>confront you about it, and resolve ahead of time to make your mistakes 
>right, to apologize and make amends if needed.
>
>
>::GUNNORA::

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