[Elfsea] FW: Queer Eye For...
betsy at softwareinnovation.com
Fri Dec 19 06:53:31 PST 2003
From: Peter A. Schorn [mailto:peterschorn at pdq.net]
Sent: Thursday, December 18, 2003 7:51 PM
To: Betsy Marshall; Beth Ham; christiegolden.com; Corrinne Elizabeth
Drake; HiyoAG24 at aol.com; Jeff Verona; Jeffery Hartley; Joe Wolf; Lee &
Susan; Lisa Woodworth; Paul DeLisle; Ruby; rudin; Tia; Trixie A Delisle;
Troyce Wilson; Wilkerson, Glen D; ylwrose2 at juno.com
Subject: Queer Eye For...
THOM: Ohhhh-kay. For the record, you can make a coffee table out of
almost anything: a door, an ottoman, old steamer trunks. You cannot make
a coffee table out of stacks of porn videos.
MULDER: Thats not a coffee table. Its just -- convenient.
TED : Guys, do NOT sit on the sofa. (Thom quickly begins covering the
sofa in Saran Wrap.)
MULDER: Probably wise.
CARSON: Lets talk about this closet. Im not seeing anything too scary
here. Thats because Im only seeing one thing here. Tell me, Fox --
GREAT name -- what do you wear to work?
MULDER: Dark suit, conservative tie.
CARSON: What do you wear when you go out in the evenings?
MULDER: Like to meet informants? Dark suit, conservative tie.
CARSON: And for a date?
THOM: The rest of the apartment is like some Soviet décor gulag -- but
the bedroom is fantastic! Who did this for you? Because, lets face it,
you didnt do this yourself.
MULDER: Kind of a weird story, really --
KYAN: Okay. You have chosen to wear your hair this way because -- why?
BLAIR: I dont know. Its always been curly. Its this or white mans
CARSON (sotto voce): And this is NOT white mans fro?
KYAN: Dont get me wrong; I salute you for avoiding the fro option. But
you cant just give up. You have to say, Im willing to fight this. Im
READY to fight this.
BLAIR: I didnt think it was that bad.
KYAN: Science makes bold leaps forward in hair-care every day, Blair.
Waxes. Spray starches. Japanese thermal straightening. We have the
...Captain Jack Sparrow:
CARSON: Okay, this is your normal everyday look? This isnt, like,
JACK: Oh, this old thing. (Holds out the sleeves of his coat, tosses his
CARSON: Well, the good side is, youre not afraid to take chances. We
can work with that.
TED: Come and take a look at the bar. Weve tried to provide a little
more variety, a little more finesse -- some top-brand vodka for mixers,
a nice brandy --
JACK: Where is the rum?
TED: Rum -- you know, rums nice in a pina colada or something like
that, but its a little downscale, and if youll just consider --
JACK (pulls out musket): Well be putting the rum back, mate.
TED: And the rum goes back.
KYAN: Looks like Im sitting this one out.
THOM: The stained glass, the statues -- I feel like Im visiting a
museum, not hanging out at a friends house.
LEX: I dont like my possessions stored away in vaults. Wealth isnt
real unless you can see it. Unless you can feel it.
JAI (stares long and hard): Are you SURE you belong on this show?
CARSON (sticks his head in from the hallway): This mans closet is FULL
of silk shirts in soft pastels and deep purple.
LEX: Okay. Maybe not.
KYAN: Most guys with long hair dont put in the time to condition
properly, but you have, which is kind of the saving grace here.
LEGOLAS: Elves have no split ends. Our hair is, like the rest of our
bodies, perfect and unchanging.
KYAN: Well, its past time for changing, because this look hasnt been
in since -- well, ever.
CARSON: Also, when you combine it with this outfit youve got going? The
overall effect is very Cathy Rigby as Peter Pan. Not sexy.
JAI (gestures toward the windows, which are lined with screaming girls,
all clawing at the glass): Im not sure this guy has a big problem with
The FAB FIVE stare.
KYAN: He uses product.
CARSON: The jacket, the pants, the shirt -- it all works.
THOM: Why are you even here?
ANGEL: Cordelia made me. She wants your autographs.
KYAN: Its like hes the One Straight Man foretold by prophecy.
ANGEL (grimaces): Please, no prophecies.
CARSON: For the first and only time, Im going to say it -- Dont change
ANGEL: Can I go now?
JAI: Okay, I feel like youre giving off really hostile vibes. What is
the image youre presenting to the world? What are you trying to
MAGNETO: That humanitys time is over, and that they will soon be
crushed under my heel.
JAI: Negative, negative energy. Youd be a lot happier if youd try
something just a little lighter, a little more colorful. And so I
thought wed start with your name. "Magneto" -- so harsh, and frankly,
it sounds like youre trying just a bit too hard.
MAGNETO: I no longer wish to be known by my human name.
JAI: I get that. So I just want to show you -- we switch two letters
around, and we get something so much brighter: "Magento."
MAGNETO: Im going to have to kill you all now.
CARSON: Not before you explain this helmet.
KYAN: This hair -- this is not good. When did you last wash this?
SNAPE: I have more important matters to attend to than hairstyles,
CARSON: Starting with the wardrobe choices. Green is not your color.
KYAN: You're a potions master, right? You can whip up a little Selsun
Blue sometime. Try it.
SNAPE (smiles wickedly>: I did put together -- this.
The Fab Five stares at the bubbling cauldron.
TED: That is the most disreputable Pinot Noir I've ever seen.
SNAPE: It's not wine, you imbeciles! It's a potion.
JAI: And that would be a potion that does -- what?
SNAPE: Those exposed to it develop a lifelong affinity for -- polyester.
THOM: Run! Run! Now! Now!
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