gangrelgrrl81 at yahoo.com
Tue Jan 13 09:54:34 PST 2004
Hehe, okay, I guess I need to write another email to
try to clear up my mistake...
Many years ago I went to (I believe) a Westgate
Collegium, knowing nothing about the SCA - I was given
the flyer at RenFest. I was yelled at for not wearing
garb, and grudgingly offered loaner. I had a great
time at the rest of the event, even if it was a little
over my head. But that first impression stuck with me
because of how horribly shy I am.
Those of you who happened to catch sight of my last
year (i.e. the archery people) have been given a taste
of this. Because of childhood abuse I find it very,
very hard to be comfortable around people. I feel I
am making a fool of myself and that they are laughing
behind my back. THIS HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH THE
PEOPLE THEMSELVES. But because of that reaction in
me, I tend to show up once or twice and then lose my
nerve and disappear. That's what happened last year.
I was (and am) very excited about archery, but lost my
nerve. Now a year has gone by, and when I realized
that I knew I had to try again. So I'm going to grit
my teeth and push my butt out the door to go to
meetings, and keep repeating to myself I am a nice
person and you are all incredibly nice people and I
can be comfortable around you.
It doesn't matter that I know little to nothing about
how to address people or heraldry or archery or garb
or history or anything else. It doesn't matter that I
don't have my persona nailed down. I am going to get
started being social again, and the rest I will learn
as I learn it.
So anything I say, please take with the knowledge that
it came from someone who is petrified of people she
doesn't know, and who is always scared she's offended
someone, imposed on someone, ruined the event, or in
some other way made a fool of herself.
Tranquil as a forest, but on fire within. Once you find your center you are sure to win. ... You must be swift as a coursing river, with all the force of a great typhoon, with all the strength of a raging fire, mysterious as the dark side of the moon. ~From Disney's "Mulan"
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