[Loch-ruadh] Viking Myths????

[STEVE K ROURKE]

Copied from the Rialto



> Every day, it seems, one of your friends is forwarding another of
those irritating Norse myths to your inbox. How can you tell which
stories
are true, and which are traditional tales once used by the Nordic
people
to explain practices, beliefs, or natural phenomena? The Norse Legends
 Reference Pages are dedicated to separating faktum from fiksjon, and
getting the straight dope from the mouths of people who know.
 - - - -

MYTH #1: In Valhalla, the valkyries served mead, which poured in
unending quantities from Odin's goat, Heidrun. They also served the
warriors
meat from the boar Saehrimnir, which the cook Andhrimnir would prepare
by
boiling it in the cauldron Eldhrimnir. The boar magically came back to
life
to be eaten again at the next meal.

 FACT: "Oh wow, I'd forgotten about that," laughs former valkyrie
 Hldissfrigg. "Some of the so-called 'warriors' were actually getting
squeamish about Andhrimner slaughtering a pig every night - the
squealing was really loud, I'll admit - so Odin came up with this tall
one
about an immortal 'magic boar,' and half those moron grunts totally
bought
it. I mean the pigs didn't even look the same: one would have a big
black spot,
the next a little white one, or maybe he'd be pink instead of brown.
It
cracked us valkyries up. I mean, if your boar was, in fact, magical -
like
maybe he could fly or pull a boat large enough to carry all the gods -
would
you really want to butcher, boil, and eat him over and over?
Eventually
you're gonna have a pissed-off magic hog all up in your face."

 - - - -

MYTH #2: The son of Odin and a member of the Aesir, Thor was the god
of thunder and the main enemy of the giants. He would smash their
heads
with his mighty hammer Mjollnir. To wield this awesome weapon he
needed
iron gloves and a belt of strength. Mjollnir would return to Thor's
hand
after being thrown and was symbolic of lightning.

 FACT: According to Heindall, who used to watch the Rainbow Bridge
for the coming of the Frost Giants: "Well, his hammer was supposed to
return
to his hand after it was thrown, but that particular feature never
really
worked properly, and Thor wasted a lot of prime giant-killing time
chasing
the stupid thing up and down Middle Earth. I've heard some of the
old-timers say Thor could have smashed the heads of about 30 or 40
more giants,
lifetime, if he only had a hammer with a decent return mechanism.
I also asked him once about Mjollnir being symbolic of lightning and
he rolled his eyes. 'I had a college girl tell me she did her thesis
on
how it was supposed to be some kind of penis,' he said. 'Sometimes a
hammer
is just a frigging hammer.'"

 - - - -

MYTH #3: Son of the giantess Rind, Valli was born for the sole
purpose of avenging Balder's death, since the gods could not kill one
of their
own. When he was only one day old, he killed Hodur. He will be one of
the
seven  Aesir to survive the Ragnarok.

FACT: "One day old? Are you shitting me? Who told you that?" asks
Tyr, ex-god of war and the inspiration for Tuesday. "God, that' s
hysterical. I mean, Hodur was blind, and maybe not the ripest grape on
the vine,
but he was Odin's kid. I'm pretty sure he could have fended off a
newborn
baby.
Anyway, Valli'd been out of junior college for at least six years
when he killed Hodur. He dropped out, but he blew off one summer on a
Eurorail pass, and waited tables down in Cabo for a while. He had to
have been at
least 23 or 24. Geez. One day old? That's rich. When Loki hears that,
he'll
piss his pants."

 - - - -

MYTH #4: Hljod and Volsung had ten sons, the eldest named Sigmund,
and one daughter named Signy. Volsung had a palace built around the
tree
called Branstock so that the massive trunk grew inside the palace
walls. At
Signy's wedding banquet, Odin arrived in his usual disguise - as an
elderly
man wearing a cape and hood. He stuck a sword in the tree and said
whichever man pulled out the sword could keep it. All tried but only
Sigmund
prevailed.

FACT: "In the first place, everyone knew it was Odin," says Njord, a
guest at the banquet who, at the time, was god of the wind and sea.
"He
was always walking around in these disguises, but it was so obvious,
even when
he wore a wig and tried to cover up that gnarly empty socket. I mean,
a
crazy old man with one eye crashes your wedding and wants to show you
a sword
trick? - who else is it going to be?
Anyway, Odin was all like 'Whosoever can pull this broadsword from
the tree Branstock, may possess it!' but he was so weak he could
barely shove
it in there and the crappy old thing fell out by itself at least a
half-dozen times. The blade was all rusted out and no one wanted it,
so Sigmund
said to me, 'I'll pull the dumb sword out and make Odin happy if you
catch
the garter. I hate all this wedding crap.'"

 - - - -

MYTH #5: After Sigmund went into hiding, Signy exchanged shapes with
a beautiful sorceress and went to her brother. The two slept together
and Signy later had Sigmund's son, Sinfjotli.

FACT: According to Signy, "For the last time, I DID NOT SLEEP WITH
MY BROTHER! Gross! But even if I wanted to, I wouldn't need to
exchange
shapes with any skank sorceress to do it. Sigmund was always trying to
get
me in bed. Lots of brothers and sisters were doing it back then
because
they thought the Ragnarok was coming, but I told him to go to Hel, so
he
keeps spreading this story that we knocked boots and he knows I won't
defend myself and reveal the name of Sinfjotli's real father because
the
guy's married and weighing a run for county assessor. Sigmund is such
a
cock."