[NR] Memories, apologies, wishes, and a challenge

[willow taylor]

Your excellence

I understand your problem and I too have felt the pain. The days after
the inquiry hurt me more than can be described. Recently in the last
three I have felt that way again. My problem wasn't political or conflict
between people my problem was simply lack of fun. In the SCA there are
two scales -things that make us happy with the SCA and things that make
us unhappy. They are not the same things. During the days of inquiry,
things that make unhappy with the SCA were high on the scale. There was
infighting of the worse kind and the politics were brutal but the game
was played. There was magic in the air. The fighting with  weapons was
exciting we had lots of good entertainers and there some special events
being put on. Parties were everywhere. We even had a good party at the
inquiry. The ratings on the scale of things that make us happy was high
too. What we got out of the SCA was better than the problems. Now the
events are sort of boring. We don't do capture the flag at night time or
have midnight  quests or play persona. We don't have mock weddings or
people yelling things in old Norse. or Latin. The most exciting thing
done is wearing mundane clothes  to freak out the authenticity police.
People sit around and talk about their work and their problems.
Everything is like being at a cocktail party with costumes on. It is
boring. The scale of things that make us happy is very low. When thing
are like this any problem in the organization or any fight between people
seems to gigantic. In fact our whole focus is directed on the pins and
needles of our organization. The least thing makes us very unhappy.

Now what can we to make the SCA better for us? The first thing is to step
away from the organization. We didn't join the SCA to play politics and
if we did I suggest that there are better groups to join. We joined the
SCA to experience the dream, to play the game and to make the magic. The
organization is a tool to do that. Find something you think is fun and do
it. Find another person to do it with you. Create something beautiful and
share it. Create a place were others can gather and feel the dream. Help
someone else with a project. Support entertainers. Give largess.
Reinforce the grand ideals of Ansteorra.  Play your persona and create
magic around you. If you are busy doing something you don't have time to
be involved in the hurtful things and if you can get enough people
involved your whole group will to busy to be involved in hateful
politics. When people are working together to create a thing they need
each other and are more likely to aside petty politics.

I have stayed in the SCA for over thirty years and this is how  I have
managed it. This may not be the pathway for you but it has healed many
wounds for me

Duchess Willow de Wisp
here now, here forever.

On Mon, 4 Jun 2001 18:40:01 -0500 "Leslie Miller" <Miller at pp.okstate.edu>
writes:
> My memories as I look back over a decade and a half in the
> SCA are somewhat bittersweet.  I’ll never forget my first event;
> wide-eyed as Burke and Mistress Megan told me stories and
> introduced me to The Dream.   And a Dream it was, too, the
> glory, the chivalry, the honor.  There were the people who
> seemed larger than life:  heroes like Duke Inman, the once and
> every other King, Sir Syf (a lady knight!), Pepin the Fool, and
> William Blackfox (who drew those cool cartoons!).  There was
> the thrill of putting on armor and learning to fight.  I was a
> bookworm, and the adrenaline of battle was something new and
> addictive.  I learned to be proud of bruises and enjoy the pain of
> a shot well-delivered.  It was a grand and delightful game, and I
> grew to love it.
>
> I made friends who were as close or closer to me than my own
> flesh and blood family. More than once I attended SCA events
> instead of some family function that would have bored me silly.
> My SCA family was just as important and just as loved.  The
> SCA became more than just a hobby; it was my life outside of
> work, and it was all I really needed because it was a satisfying
> and rewarding support group.
>
> It would be hard for me to relate just one memorable moment;
> there have been so many accumulated over the years.  There
> was my Falcon given to me by King Inman after the field battle
> at Pennsic.  There was singing at Taylor Lake around campfires
> and dancing at Gulf Wars.  There were awards and demos and
> events and projects and offices.  So many good memories,
> indeed.
>
> Memories that have now turned melancholy.
>
> I couldn’t tell you exactly when, or how, or why, but at some
> point along the way (in recent years) the game that meant so
> much to me ceased to be fun.  Instead of looking forward to
> events, I started dreading them.  What brought me joy and
> wonder instead brought disillusionment and unhappiness.
>
> I should have been at Castellan this weekend, but I wasn’t, and
> for that I owe all of Northkeep an apology.  I am sorry.
>
> I’m sorry, but it isn’t fun anymore.  It hasn’t been for a long
> time.  I hurt when my friends hurt; it’s as simple as that, and so
> many of my friends are hurting that I can’t escape it anymore.
> Nor can I make it better, and that makes it even worse.  It’s a
> terrible feeling of frustration and helplessness to watch what I
> loved so much lose its magic, because those I care about and
> love are being emotionally injured in so many creative and
> bedazzling ways.
>
> I really wish I had a magic formula for making it all better.  I
> wish I could point a finger at somebody and say, “It’s all your
> fault!” and make them pay the price for my unhappiness.  I wish
> I had somebody to blame… the king, the landed barons and
> baronesses, the seneschals, the peers, the nobles, the populace,
> heck, maybe even Caitlin for dying and leaving a hole in so many
> hearts.
>
> Trouble is, I think we’re all to blame.  Very few of us make a
> point to always refrain from gossiping with our friends.  We’ve
> all made mistakes in our interactions with others.  We all have
> our own personal agendas, desires, and goals, and we act to
> further the them, sometimes at the expense of others.  It’s only
> natural.  None of us are perfect.
>
> Let me repeat that.   None of us are perfect.
>
> I have to wonder, in fact, if the Dream is more of a curse than
> not.  You see, we set people up for failure by comparing them to
> the ideals of “The Dream.”  Our larger than life heroes, well, you
> know, it turns out that they’re remarkably human.  Even my idol,
> Duke Inman, proved quite capable of committing great, huge,
> walloping mistakes, whether he’d admit it or not.
>
> I think there’s a basic human need to have heroes, to have
> people to look up to and admire.  The Dream calls us to
> become those heroes.  To find them right before us.  Most of us
> were raised with the ideal of the knight in shining armor.  We
> expect our leaders in the SCA to be like those knights, whether
> they fight or not.  We expect them to be better than the rest of
> us.  And you know what?  Sometimes they are.  And you know
> what else?  Sometimes they aren’t.  To be human is, by
> definition, I think, to be imperfect.  But we set our standards
> high, and we set our expectations high, and when our heroes fail
> and make mistakes, it’s a long hard fall from the pedestal we
> place them on.  Disappointment and disillusionment are the
> natural result.  I learned that the hard way.
>
> I look around the North, and I see a lot of toppled pedestals
> (and attempted pedestal toppling), and I see a lot of people
> hurting from the fall (or the attempt to make them fall).  I see
> more disappointment and disillusionment than just my own.  I
> see bitterness and anger.  I see resentment.  I see a lot of people
> doing what I want to do: pointing fingers and  placing blame.
> Slinging mud.  I see my Dream in tatters, my FAMILY in tatters
> (and that's what hurts the most), with a stoic (and sometimes
> successful) few still trying to have fun in the present while the
> rest
> of us cling to happier memories and hope for a better future.
>
> I wish those stoic few all the best in the world.  Certainly, they
> have my blessings and gratitude for keeping the game alive for
> themselves and those others who would play along.
>
> Unfortunately, I don’t see things getting better anytime soon as
> far as my own enjoyment is concerned.  The emotions are just
> too raw and too close to home.  The hurts have been too great.
> The damage is more than superficial.  This can’t be fixed with
> duck tape and baling wire.  There isn’t a magic cure, and there
> isn’t any knight in shining armor who will be able to make it
> better.  Even if one tried, I think someone would just knock the
> pedestal right out from under him or her, too.
>
> I am sorry for it all.  I apologize I haven’t been around much.  I
> apologize for being something of a coward, unable to face the
> unpleasantness in person.  And just so you know that I’m not
> trying to perch on a pedestal of my own, I realize that I haven’t
> been a very good peer.  Good peers are active in the society,
> and I have not been.  If it makes any difference, it has been a
> source of guilt.
>
> So what is the point of this message, you may ask.  It is a
> lament, of sorts, brought on by others who have shared their
> happy memories on this list.  It is an explanation and an apology
> for my continued absence and lack of enthusiasm.
>
> I suppose, too, that I want to suggest a path for making amends
> and healing: Forgive, forget, and move forward in a spirit of
> friendship for the betterment of the game, if not the tarnished
> Dream.   Stop pointing fingers, stop trying to find blame, stop
> harping about past failings and real or imagined slights and
> wrongdoings.  We have to lie in the bed we make; we should
> stop shitting in it.  All of us.  Forgive me for being rude, but I
> think the crap has piled high enough.  It's time to start shoveling,
> and you can't do that when you're fairly wallowing in the muck.
>
> I am not so naïve as to think that forgiveness is a path that many,
> if any, will follow.  It’s not an easy one to take, certainly not so
> easy as to hold on to righteous indignation, resentment, and
> anger.  You know, to err is human, to forgive divine.  The latter
> is the easier route; forgiveness the more heroic, and we have
> proven again and again that we’re more human than heroic.
> Why should that change now?  I honestly don’t expect it will.
> But, you know, I am a very bitter old baroness, and I challenge
> you all to prove me wrong.  I’d love to believe in heroes again.
>
> YIS (Yours in Spirit, since I no longer claim Service),
> Gunhilda
>
>
>
>
>
>
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>
>
> _______________________________________________
> Northern mailing list
> Northern at ansteorra.org
> http://www.ansteorra.org/mailman/listinfo/northern

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