[NR] A Good Laugh

[CelticNorthStar at aol.com]

--
[ Picked text/plain from multipart/alternative ]
This is a Filk done by Lord Gaelan "Mordane" Garrett. The original was the
inexperienced chili taster author unknown. It has been done in fun and no
intentions of offending any one were meant




INEXPERIENCED SPIRITS TASTER Notes >From An Inexperienced Spirits Taster
Named Baron Master Janos der Klein, a Laurel who was visiting Ansteorra from
the Kingdom of Trimaris:


"Recently I was honored to be selected as a judge at a Ansteorra Mixed
Spirits Contest. The original person didn't make it to the event at the last
moment, and I happened to be Standing there at the judge's table asking
directions to the Tavern when The time came.  I was assured by the other two
judges (Native Ansteorrans)
That the Spirits wouldn't be all that Strong, and besides, they told me I
could
Have free Mead during the tasting, so I accepted.

Here are the scorecards from the event:
Spirits # 1: Welps Fyre
- JUDGE BARRETT: A little too heavy on Fruit Juice.  Amusing kick.
- JUDGE FINN KELLY: Nice, smooth fruit flavor.  Very mild.
- JANOS: Holy shit, what the hell is this stuff?  You could remove dried
Paint from your driveway.  Took me two glasses of mead to put the flames out.
 I hope
That's the worst one.  These Ansteorrans are crazy.

Spirits # 2: Magis Fyre
- JUDGE BARRETT: Smooth, Nice Blue Color.  Slight Cinnamon tang.
- JUDGE FINN KELLY: Exciting Cinnamon Flavor, needs more kick to be taken
seriously.
- JANOS: Keep this out of reach of children!  I'm not sure what I am supposed

To taste besides pain.  I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me
The Heimlich maneuver.  They had to rush in more mead when they saw the look
On my face.

Spirits # 3: Lightning Punch
- JUDGE BARRETT: Hmmm I have had cordials with more kick than this.
- JUDGE FINN KELLY: Needs More Vodka. Good After dinner Drink.
- JOHAN: Call the EPA, I've located a uranium spill.  My nose feels like I
Have been snorting Drano.  Everyone knows the routine by now, get me more
Mead before I ignite.  Wench pounded me on the back; now my backbone is in
The front part of my chest.  I'm getting shit-faced from all the Mead.

Spirits # 4: Johnny Jump Up
- JUDGE BARRETT: Tastes like fermented Coca-Cola.  Disappointing.
- JUDGE FINN KELLY: Tastes like a real bad Scotch. Needs work
- JANOS: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste
It, is it possible to burnout taste buds?  Morag, the Tavern maid, was
standing
Behind me with fresh refills; That 300 lb. Wench is starting to look HOT,
Just like this nuclear-waste I'm drinking.  Is Alcohol an aphrodisiac?


Spirit # 5: Pirates Plunder
- JUDGE BARRETT: Dark, strong sprit.  Bacardi 151 Rum adding considerable
kick.  Very impressive.
- JUDGE FINN KELLY: Spirit using RUM, Vodka and Gin; could use more ginger.
Must admit The Bacardi 151 does make a strong statement.
- JANOS: My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no
Longer focus my eyes.  I Belched and four people in front of me needed
Chirugeons.
The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her alcohol had given me
Brain damage.  Morag saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring Mead directly
On it from a pitcher.  I wonder if I'm burning my lips off?  It really pisses

Me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming.
Screw those Laurels!

Spirit # 6: Wenches Gold
- JUDGE BARRETT: Light yet bold Spirit variety.  Good balance of spice and
fruit.
- JUDGE FINN KELLY: The best yet.  Aggressive use of Nutmeg, cinnamon, and
ginger. Superb.
- JANOS: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric
Inferno flames.  I crapped myself when I belched and I'm worried it will eat
Through the chair.  No one seems inclined to stand near me except that nut
Morag, she must be kinkier than I thought.  Can't feel my lips anymore.
I need to wipe my lips with a snow cone!

Spirit # 7: Dragon's Tears
- JUDGE BARRETT: A mediocre spirit with too much reliance on vodka.
- JUDGE FINN KELLY: Ho Hum tastes as if the maker literally threw together a
bunch Of alcohol at the last moment.  I should note that I am worried about
Judge
Number 3.  He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing
uncontrollably.
- JANOS: You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't
Feel a damn thing.  I've lost the sight in one eye, and the world sounds like

It is made of rushing water.  My shirt is covered with alcohol, which slid
Unnoticed out of my mouth.  At least during the autopsy they'll know what
Killed me.  I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful.  Screw it, I'm
not
Getting any oxygen anyway.  If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the
4-inch hole
In my stomach.

Spirit # 8: Ansteorra Nudge, Nudge, Wink, Wink
- JUDGE BARRETT: A perfect ending, this is a nicely blended spirit, safe for
all, not
Too bold but strong enough to declare its existence.
- JUDGE FINN KELLY: This final entry is a good, balanced Spirit, neither weak
nor
Strong.  Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge Number 3 passed
out,
Fell over and pulled the Bottle down on top of himself. Not sure if he's
going to make it. Poor Trimarian, wonder how he'd have reacted to really
Strong Spirits?
- JANOS: --------------(editor's note: Judge #3 was unable to report)