NK - FW: You may be a Norman... (fwd)

Niewoehner, Hugh hughn at SSD.FSI.com
Fri Feb 2 07:00:58 PST 2001

since hugh-mor seems to be running rampant...


> Forwarded message:
> It's OK to be Norman
> A Guide for Young People
> Presented as a public service by Sir Ogami
> Akira,Master of Clan Yama Kaminari
> What are Normans?
> Normans are the descendants of Viking frat boys who
> beat up some scrawny chain-smoking Gauls and stole
> their land. They are usually short, squat, neckless
> creatures with thick pelts. Normans are noted for
> aggressive hooting and gibbering as well as a fondness
> for wearing wool under thirty or forty pounds of chain
> mail. They like to tie huge, teardrop-shaped pieces of
> wood to one arm, though anthropologists have yet to
> determine the purpose of this mysterious behavior.
> How do Normans come to be?
> There is still some controversy within the medical
> community. The majority of researchers tend to support
> mammilian birth, though vocal and well-barricaded
> minorities are holding out for spontaneous generation.
> Within the psychological community, a pitched battle
> rages over "nature" versus "nurture" versus "possessed
> by Satan." Casualties continue to mount.
> Could I be Norman?
> There comes a time in some young people's lives when
> they look into a mirror and ask themselves, "Why am I
> different? Why don't I seem to feel the same way my
> friends do? Why do I have funny urges which no one
> else seem to have?" If you feel this way, it's just
> possible that you might be Norman. Being Norman
> doesn't make you a Bad person. It doesn't make you
> Unnatural or Evil. There's nothing Wrong with being
> Norman.
> Normans can lead lives that are just as successful and
> fulfilling and happy as non-Normans. In fact, many
> famous people have been Norman:
> Famous Normans
> John Norman, author of the critically acclaimed Gor
> series.
> Norman Lear, who brought the Oscar Wilde-like wit of
> Archie Bunker into America's living rooms.
> Norman Bates, a motel owner who became so respected
> and famous that three movies have been made about his
> life.
> Norman Fell, whose acting career continues to soar to
> unimagined heights.
> Norman Rockwell, whose paintings have been compared
> with those of DaVinci and Michaelangelo, and who has
> received the highest accolade of all -- having
> reproductions of his work printed on drinking glasses
> which can be obtained only by filling your tank at
> selected Quickie Marts.
> If I am Norman, whom should I tell?
> Confessing your "big secret" can be difficult. Your
> friends, if they're REALLY your friends, will come to
> accept you as you are. There will be some rough
> moments, and perhaps even some childish name-calling
> and tears. Remember, it may be as just hard for them
> to accept it as it was for you. But you'll find that
> as time passes, most of the people you  know will
> simply stop talking to you. It's really for the best.
> Whatever you do, though, don't tell your parents!!!
> You really don't want to be responsible for your
> father's suicide or for your mother shaving her head
> and entering a convent, do you?
> How can I tell if I really am Norman?
> Many of the signs of Normancy are easy to distinguish,
> others are subtler. Check through the following list
> of Norman characteristics and see if they apply to
> you.
> You might be Norman...
> ...if your helm weighs more than your knight.
> ...if you fondle your sword more than your lady, and
> your lady is grateful.
> ...if your last bath had a crumpled tent in the middle
> of it.
> ...if you put on your only dry tunic just to go back
> out into the rain.
> ...if your toilet paper is made out of chainmail.
> ...if you fear hypothermia in 70 degree weather.
> ...if your idea of a tender, bittersweet romance
> involves your liege lord.
> ...if you camp in a gully because you forgot water
> runs downhill.
> ...if you can't get your chainmail harness on because
> you neglected to put in a neck hole.
> ...if you raise your arm to strike your opponent, and
> he falls before you hit him.
> ...if your tent is flooded and it hasn't been raining.
> ...if wearing a full-length wool dress in 95-degree
> weather seems like a fine idea.
> ...if there is no wrong end of a goat.
> ...if your idea of a good-looking woman is one wearing
> a sheepskin cloak.
> ...if you find yourself looking at the chainmail
> bikini and not the woman in it.
> ...if you admire your liege lord because he owns a
> pair of underwear.
> ...if the smell of WD-40 gets you hot.
> ...if you thought the "Song of Roland" was too short,
> didn't have enough detail, and the ending came as a
> complete surprise to you.
> ...if you studied medieval French for ten years so
> that you could write "Gimme another beer!" on your
> shield in period script.
> ...if your neighbor's sheep run at the sound of
> chainmail.
> ...if you think a balanced meal is a beer in each
> hand.
> ...if your idea of screwing in a light bulb is to hold
> it in place and then drink until the room spins.
> ...if you think terrorists lack moral fiber because
> they negotiate.
> How many of these things fit you? One? Two? A number
> more than two that you never learned? If so, you just
> might be Norman. But don't be ashamed! Be proud! You
> are a member of a very select, heavily discriminated
> against group! Who cares if other people, the straight
> or civilized and cultured Japanese, laugh at your
> thick brow ridge and offensive personal hygiene? What
> does it matter if your idea of being stealthy involves
> shouting and banging steel things together? You and
> your Norman littermates can run free in the wild,
> squatting to mark
> your territory wherever you wish! And you will know
> those pesky non-Normans secretly envy you, the bottom
> feeders of our Society who are unfettered by social
> conventions and uninfluenced by silly soap
> advertisements! When they're upwind.
> A.S. XXXI Sir Ogami Akira, Master of Clan Yama
> Kaminari. No part of this text may be reproduced in
> any form, except for the purpose of reviews, without
> the express written permission of the author, who
> still has most of his hair.
> Multiple copies of this informational brochure for
> school or church use may be obtained at a discount by
> contacting the publisher.
> About the Author --
> Sir Ogami Akira has studied Normans for many years. He
> has lived with them in the wild and has even been
> accepted as one of their own. For some obscure reason,
> he has become a compulsive hand-washer.
> About the Publisher --
> The publisher used to have a very nice office in a
> very tall building. Then he received a visit from the
> "Norman Anti-Defamation League." They got his house,
> too.
> Other brochures in The Guide for Young People series--
> The Secret Life of Saxons
> The Crusades: Holy Mission or Mondo Shopping Spree?
> Fabric Addiction: It Could Happen To You!
> Songs of the Humpbacked Wales: A Study in Droning
> Atonality
> The Truth About Scots: A Proud Tradition, or
> Historical      Transvestitism?
>                   PLEASE NOTE:
> Anyone who doesn't recognize this as a joke among
> friends is a hopeless goober, and possibly even a
> Norman goober at that.

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