NK - No offense to Anawyn, but...

Hugh & Belinda Niewoehner the_burg at busprod.com
Fri Feb 2 07:11:11 PST 2001

The following was on Calon list, and was so funny, thought we'd pass it

(Warning this is humor and not intended to truly offend anyone,
especially one nice Norman lady we know) 

> Presented as a public service by Sir Ogami
> Akira,Master of Clan Yama Kaminari
> What are Normans?
> Normans are the descendants of Viking frat boys who
> beat up some scrawny chain-smoking Gauls and stole
> their land. They are usually short, squat, neckless
> creatures with thick pelts. Normans are noted for
> aggressive hooting and gibbering as well as a fondness
> for wearing wool under thirty or forty pounds of chain
> mail. They like to tie huge, teardrop-shaped pieces of
> wood to one arm, though anthropologists have yet to
> determine the purpose of this mysterious behavior.
> How do Normans come to be?
> There is still some controversy within the medical
> community. The majority of researchers tend to support
> mammilian birth, though vocal and well-barricaded
> minorities are holding out for spontaneous generation.
> Within the psychological community, a pitched battle
> rages over "nature" versus "nurture" versus "possessed
> by Satan." Casualties continue to mount.
> Could I be Norman?
> There comes a time in some young people's lives when
> they look into a mirror and ask themselves, "Why am I
> different? Why don't I seem to feel the same way my
> friends do? Why do I have funny urges which no one
> else seem to have?" If you feel this way, it's just
> possible that you might be Norman. Being Norman
> doesn't make you a Bad person. It doesn't make you
> Unnatural or Evil. There's nothing Wrong with being
> Norman.
> Normans can lead lives that are just as successful and
> fulfilling and happy as non-Normans. In fact, many
> famous people have been Norman:
> Famous Normans
> John Norman, author of the critically acclaimed Gor
> series.
> Norman Lear, who brought the Oscar Wilde-like wit of
> Archie Bunker into America's living rooms.
> Norman Bates, a motel owner who became so respected
> and famous that three movies have been made about his
> life.
> Norman Fell, whose acting career continues to soar to
> unimagined heights.
> Norman Rockwell, whose paintings have been compared
> with those of DaVinci and Michaelangelo, and who has
> received the highest accolade of all -- having
> reproductions of his work printed on drinking glasses
> which can be obtained only by filling your tank at
> selected Quickie Marts.
> If I am Norman, whom should I tell?
> Confessing your "big secret" can be difficult. Your
> friends, if they're REALLY your friends, will come to
> accept you as you are. There will be some rough
> moments, and perhaps even some childish name-calling
> and tears. Remember, it may be as just hard for them
> to accept it as it was for you. But you'll find that
> as time passes, most of the people you  know will
> simply stop talking to you. It's really for the best.
> Whatever you do, though, don't tell your parents!!!
> You really don't want to be responsible for your
> father's suicide or for your mother shaving her head
> and entering a convent, do you?
> How can I tell if I really am Norman?
> Many of the signs of Normancy are easy to distinguish,
> others are subtler. Check through the following list
> of Norman characteristics and see if they apply to
> you.
> You might be Norman...
> ...if your helm weighs more than your knight.
> ...if you fondle your sword more than your lady, and
> your lady is grateful.
> ...if your last bath had a crumpled tent in the middle
> of it.
> ...if you put on your only dry tunic just to go back
> out into the rain.
> ...if your toilet paper is made out of chainmail.
> ...if you fear hypothermia in 70 degree weather.
> ...if your idea of a tender, bittersweet romance
> involves your liege lord.
> ...if you camp in a gully because you forgot water
> runs downhill.
> ...if you can't get your chainmail harness on because
> you neglected to put in a neck hole.
> ...if you raise your arm to strike your opponent, and
> he falls before you hit him.
> ...if your tent is flooded and it hasn't been raining.
> ...if wearing a full-length wool dress in 95-degree
> weather seems like a fine idea.
> ...if there is no wrong end of a goat.
> ...if your idea of a good-looking woman is one wearing
> a sheepskin cloak.
> ...if you find yourself looking at the chainmail
> bikini and not the woman in it.
> ...if you admire your liege lord because he owns a
> pair of underwear.
> ...if the smell of WD-40 gets you hot.
> ...if you thought the "Song of Roland" was too short,
> didn't have enough detail, and the ending came as a
> complete surprise to you.
> ...if you studied medieval French for ten years so
> that you could write "Gimme another beer!" on your
> shield in period script.
> ...if your neighbor's sheep run at the sound of
> chainmail.
> ...if you think a balanced meal is a beer in each
> hand.
> ...if your idea of screwing in a light bulb is to hold
> it in place and then drink until the room spins.
> ...if you think terrorists lack moral fiber because
> they negotiate.
> How many of these things fit you? One? Two? A number
> more than two that you never learned? If so, you just
> might be Norman. But don't be ashamed! Be proud! You
> are a member of a very select, heavily discriminated
> against group! Who cares if other people, the straight
> or civilized and cultured Japanese, laugh at your
> thick brow ridge and offensive personal hygiene? What
> does it matter if your idea of being stealthy involves
> shouting and banging steel things together? You and
> your Norman littermates can run free in the wild,
> squatting to mark
> your territory wherever you wish! And you will know
> those pesky non-Normans secretly envy you, the bottom
> feeders of our Society who are unfettered by social
> conventions and uninfluenced by silly soap
> advertisements! When they're upwind.
> A.S. XXXI Sir Ogami Akira, Master of Clan Yama
> Kaminari. No part of this text may be reproduced in
> any form, except for the purpose of reviews, without
> the express written permission of the author, who
> still has most of his hair.
> Multiple copies of this informational brochure for
> school or church use may be obtained at a discount by
> contacting the publisher.
> About the Author --
> Sir Ogami Akira has studied Normans for many years. He
> has lived with them in the wild and has even been
> accepted as one of their own. For some obscure reason,
> he has become a compulsive hand-washer.
> About the Publisher --
> The publisher used to have a very nice office in a
> very tall building. Then he received a visit from the
> "Norman Anti-Defamation League." They got his house,
> too.
> Other brochures in The Guide for Young People series--
> The Secret Life of Saxons
> The Crusades: Holy Mission or Mondo Shopping Spree?
> Fabric Addiction: It Could Happen To You!
> Songs of the Humpbacked Wales: A Study in Droning
> Atonality
> The Truth About Scots: A Proud Tradition, or
> Historical      Transvestitism?
>                   PLEASE NOTE:
> Anyone who doesn't recognize this as a joke among
> friends is a hopeless goober, and possibly even a
> Norman goober at that.

Other brochures of interest can be found at: (under Gaijin press)


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