Personality and Behavior (was RE: [Northkeep] Sir Balvins Defence)

Carl Chipman cchipman at
Mon May 27 14:55:55 PDT 2002

Diarmaid, I know you're just being sarcastic, but there is a vein of
truth to your tongue-in-cheek statement.

Sympathy and compassion are good, but aiding and abetting
self-destructive behaviors are not.  Passive-aggressive complaining such
as has been happening in the very first e-mail (forwarded by you) are
indicators of such self-destructive behavior.  "Its *their* fault I
didn't fit in."

Really?  It's their fault that they didn't adjust their behavior to fit
your comfort level?  How big of a group should change to meet *your*
specific needs?  Perhaps minor modifications of your world-view might
meet with quicker results?  (all usage of "you" and "your" in the
previous couple of sentences are directed at a generic person, not
Diarmaid in particular)

Like other self-destructive behaviors (i.e. alcoholism is a very good
banner example) many friends of the afflicted often enable them in their
destructive behavior.  However, others have the courage and conviction
to label a problem a problem, and to identify it.

If you have trouble fitting in, I have compassion.  I too have often had
trouble fitting in.  However, I will admit that in almost every case, it
was ME who caused the trouble, by either having unrealistic expectations
of what other's behavior should be, or by what misunderstanding of my
own preferences.

There are very, very, few truly bad people in the SCA.  Most of them are
simply trying to carve friendship groups (often called "cliques") and
zones of happiness around themselves.

I charge those who cry "They won't play with me!!!" to truly ask
themselves, "Why?".  You may not like the answer, but might find
somethings to work on.

In short (hah, look at the length of this e-mail) I refuse to feel
emotional blame for not being a quick easy friend.  I've worked hard to
spend time with my friends, and sharing experiences with them to cement
and amplify those friendships.  I work at them.  Why should I expect
less from anyone else?

Centurion Jean Paul de Sens
5th Baronial Drighton

Carl Chipman
Nomadics, Inc.
cchipman at

-----Original Message-----
From: northkeep-admin at
[mailto:northkeep-admin at] On Behalf Of Marc Carlson
Sent: Monday, May 27, 2002 1:43 PM
To: northkeep at
Subject: Re: [Northkeep] Sir Balvins Defence

Clearly, I'm just misunderstood the whole basis for dealing with people.

Memo to self:  Being nice/Compassion/that whole bit is a bad idea - new
mottos for people who are having problems:  "Suck it up" and "Get over

I get it now.  Thanks for the tips.


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