[Sca-cooks] Cooking with Bonzer- or, Adventures in Modern Cooking

[Philippa Alderton]

Some of you may have noticed my mention of a Person
named Bonzer recently, so before I continue, perhaps I
had better introduce him more formally.

Bonzer is Margali's cat. He is very large (when I turn
him upside down to rub his belly for him, his tail
drapes over my shoulder, and his head dangles at my
hip), very black, and very long-haired. He is also
part Siamese.

Since moving to Margali's, and Stubby's passing, I
have become his Designated Alternate Human, which
means his job is to drive me crazy when Margali isn't
here. He takes his job quite seriously- the minute she
heads out the door to work, he heads into my bedroom,
gently mewing to let me know he's on his way, and
jumps on my bed to settle by my head and stick his
very furry tail under my nose. Unfortunately, since
his gentle meow bears a strong resemblence to a
foghorn (part Siamese, remember?) this is not very
restful.

He also has a sister, currently vacationing here until
she can hop a jet to Oz, who is white with a black
tail and genitalia, who looks like a traveling
exclamation point from the rear. They like to play- in
other words, race from one end of the house to the
other, at full speed, considering mere humans as
incidental obstacles.

And Bonzer loves to help in the kitchen.

Some of you may remember, a few days ago, that Margali
posted a request to the List for ham recipes, and
Johnna was kind enough to respond with the website for
the following. I had to edit it a bit because the
ingredient list was in two columns, and somehow, I
didn't think that wrapping 5 lbs of ham in a towel and
crushing it would be helpful, nor did I think anyone
wanted to try to remove the rind and excess fat from a
cup of water.

###############################################

Falscher Wildschweinbraten
Fresh Ham, Mock-Boar Style

 2 c dry red wine
 1 tsp ground cloves
 = c red wine vinegar
 1 tsp ground allspice
 1 c finely grated onions
 1 tsp ground ginger
 15 whole juniper berries, crushed
 with a mortar and pestle or
 wrapped in a towel and crushed
 with a rolling pin
 1 tsp freshly ground black pepper
 A 5- to 6-pound fresh ham, rind removed
   and the ham trimmed of fat
 1 T salt
 2 T grated fresh lemon peel
 2 T lard
 6 small bay leaves, coarsely
   crushed
 2 c water
 3 T flour
 2 tsp dried tarragon
 3 T cold water
 -----------------------

For the marinade pour the wine and vinegar into a
mixing bowl and stir in the grated onions, juniper
berries, grated lemon peel, bay leaves,
tarragon, cloves, allspice, ginger and black pepper.
Place the ham in a deep dish just large enough to hold

it comfortably and pour the
marinade over it. Cover with foil and marinate in the
refrigerator for two days, turning it over once or
twice a day.

Preheat the oven to 325. Remove the ham from the
marinade, and dry it thoroughly with paper towels,
brushing off any bits of onion or herbs
clinging to it. Rub the salt evenly into its surface.
Strain the marinade into a bowl or saucepan, pressing
down hard with a spoon on the solid
ingredients to extract all their liquid before
throwing them away.

In a heavy casserole or Dutch oven just large enough
to hold the ham comfortably, melt the lard over high
heat until a light haze forms above
it. Add the ham and brown it well on all sides,
turning the ham frequently and regulating the heat so
the meat colors quickly and evenly
without burning. Transfer the ham to a plate. Combine
the strained marinade with 2 c of water and pour the
mixture into the casserole. Bring
the liquid to a boil over high heat, meanwhile
scraping in any brown bits clinging to the bottom and
sides of the casserole.

Return the ham to the casserole, cover tightly, and
bake in the middle of the oven for about 2 hours,
basting it every 30 minutes or so with the
cooking liquid. The ham is done when it can easily be
pierced with the tip of a sharp knife. (You may use a
meat thermometer, if you like, for
more predictable results. After the ham is browned,
insert the thermometer into the thickest part without
letting the tip touch any bone. Roast
until the thermometer reads 1700 to 1750.) Transfer
the ham to a heated platter and set it aside to rest
for 10 to 15 minutes for easier
carving.

Meanwhile, strain the cooking liquid into a small
saucepan and skim off as much fat as possible from the

surface. Measure the liquid, then
boil it briskly to reduce it to 2 cups. Reduce the
heat to low. Make a smooth paste of the flour and 3 T
of cold water and, with a whisk or spoon,
stir it gradually into the simmering liquid. Cook,
stirring frequently, for about 10 minutes, or until
the sauce thickens slightly. Taste for
seasoning.

To serve, carve the ham into <-inch slices and arrange

the slices attractively in overlapping layers on a
large heated platter. Serve the sauce
separately in a sauceboat. Serves 6 to 8.

###############################################

Now, on the face of it, this recipe looks fairly
simple, right? I mean, all you have to do is mix the
ingredients for the marinade and soak it for a couple
of days, then throw it in the oven, right ?

Not with Bonzer's help.

First, it turned out that this was a 15 lb ham, not a
5 lb ham, and there wasn't anything large enough handy
to marinate it in, other than Margali's large wooden
pastry bowl, and I rather thought I'd like to survive
the recipe. Second, it was both fully cooked, and
frozen solid, so cutting it into more manageable
pieces before it thawed was not an option, and we
happened to be out of garbage bags, so I couldn't
marinate it in one of those. Finally decided to put
it, wrapper and all, in cold water in the roasting
pan, to thaw, but couldn't marinate it in there
because it was metal, and I never try to use a metal
pan for an acid marinade- besides, a 15 lb ham is a
BIG honking ham, and the marinade would only have
covered it by one third.

Thus matters stood until it thawed, the next morning.

After Margali and I discussed the matter, we decided
to debone it and remove the skin and excess fat, and
cut it into large chunks, so we could fit it into one
of her plastic bowls, so that's what I was doing, or
trying to do, the next morning.

Obviously, the first thing to do is assemble all the
ingredients for the marinade, including a trip to the
store for one ingredient. When I returned, I
discovered that Someone, like any good assistant cook,
had been tasting the ingredients- at least, that's
what I assume was the reason that the butter, which I
had left out to soften for another project, had
acquired a distinct set of toothmarks.

So, now I'm assembling the marinade, and walking back
and forth between the computer and the kitchen for
that purpose, and I discover that this is now the
Kitty Exercise Hour- at least, that's what I'm
guessing it was, considering the black and white blurs
moving at high speeds from one end of the house to the
other, with occasional ricochets off my legs.
Apparently, digging ones claws into the top of a human
foot gives one even better traction than the carpet,
for record-breaking leaps to the top of the
rafters..... And I really think that the writer of the
recipe either has too much time on their hands, or a
staff of slaves, because people who suggest grating an
onion need to get a life. Next time, I'll mince it,
thank-you-just-the-same.

Marinade assembled, I now turned my attention to
boning the ham, a rather messy business with a cooked
ham, usually requiring access to paper towels to wipe
hands, knives, and assorted drips, so I opened the
paper towel drawer- after all, any experienced cook
thinks ahead to what might be needed for the current
project. As I reached in for a towel, a few minutes
later, I discovered, instead of a towel, that I was
wiping my hands on a rather large, furry black object,
who looked at me with a loving, helpful smile, and
"Mreowwww?". I closed the drawer, went and washed my
hands in the bathroom, and came back to open the
drawer, fully expecting that the large object would
then exit the drawer in a huff and not return for
about half an hour (at least, he always had before)
and was greeted with a very loving and sleepy,
"Mreowww?" as he snuggled deeper into the drawer.

I managed to get the ham into the marinade, the bowl,
covered with plastic wrap, NOT tin foil as the recipe
directed (avoiding metal near acid marinades), and
breathed a sigh of relief.

Wonder if Margali will notice the addition of a rather
large "rabbit" to the marinade?

Phlip


=====
Never a horse that cain't be rode,
And never a rider who cain't be throwed....

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