[Sca-cooks] OT - Technical kitchen definitions

[Randy Goldberg MD]

Too funny, had to share......

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Everything But The Kitchen Zinc

By Robert L. Wolke

This is my first column of the New Year and a great opportunity to make 2002
easier on both myself and my readers than 2001 was.

Writing about food science inevitably requires the occasional use of a
technical word or phrase that has to be explained to those of you who hated
chemistry in school as much as I hated economics. My habit has been to label
those words "Techspeak" and put them in parentheses, so as not to interrupt
the rhythm and flow of my deathless prose.

But why not, it has occurred to me, define some of those technical terms
right now in a preemptive glossary that my readers can refer to throughout
the whole year?

With this list posted on your refrigerator, you will have all year to think
about the definitions, including my less obvious puns.

Acidophilus -- The Escoffier of Greek cuisine.

Al dente -- An Italian fender bender.

Albumen -- Joe Bumen's brother.

Amaretto -- An opera by Verdi.

Arugula -- The sound of a Model T's horn.

Aspartame -- A domesticated aspar.

Au jus -- A crazy way to spell "Oh-zhoo."

Avocado -- Nineteenth century Italian physicist. Discovered Avocado's
Number.

Bain Marie -- Mary needs a bath.

Baked Alaska -- The end result of global warming.

Barley -- Scarcely.

Batter -- See Pitcher. (Batters are often found in pitchers.)

Boil -- Milton Boil, a comedian from New Yawk.

Botulism -- The worship of robots.

Carotene -- An adolescent carrot.

Casein -- He who waltzed with a strawberry blonde as the band played on.

Chard -- Burnt.

Celery -- Weekly or monthly wages.

Collagen -- A brand of canned chicken broth.

Couscous -- A pair of cous.

Crab Louie -- The husband of Nag Maggie.

Crappie -- A species of fish, especially when partially spoiled.

Custard -- The last stand in a food court.

Egg roll -- A Chinese Easter festival.

Essential oil -- WD-40.

Fennel -- Device for pouring liquids into small containers.

Flavonoid -- Brooklynese for Flavor Nerd, or gastronome.

Foie gras -- Fooey Grass, a kind of locoweed.

French dressing -- Habillement.

Gluten -- A person who greedily eats too much.

Grouper -- A fish that hangs around starfish.

Harvard beets -- Part of a sports headline.

Hollandaise -- Dutch Week at Epcot Center.

Hominy -- An unknown number, as in hominy cooks does it take to spoil the
broth?

Hops -- Neither skips nor jumps.

Invert sugar -- Whoops! I knocked over the sugar bowl.

Knockwurst -- A bad knock-knock joke.

Lactose -- A kind of foot deformity.

Leek -- A hole in a dike.

Microwave -- A baby's bye-bye.

Molasses -- The plural of molass.

Mousse -- A large northern mammal.

Myoglobin -- Not youroglobin.

Oxidation -- The conversion of a vegetarian.

Paella -- Spanish for payola. There's something in it for everyone.

Palm oil -- A bribe.

Parboil -- What a golfer does when his opponent shoots par.

Pectin -- A chest muscle.

Pellagra -- Viagra for pelicans.

Peptide -- A zesty riptide.

Pie -- 3.1415927. . .

Pitcher -- See Batter and Shortstop.

Poached salmon -- Thievery from a fish farm.

Potatoe -- A vice-presidential potato.

Rice -- The plural of ri.

Rigoletto -- A type of pasta.

Roughage -- The opposite of smoothage.

Rutabaga -- An early, unsuccessful competitor of the Studebaker.

Saffron -- If you buy too much of it, your budget will be saffron.

Sherbet -- The correct spelling of sherbert, dammit.

Shortstop -- Hold the Crisco.

Sourdough -- Gambling losses.

Soybean -- Spanish for "I am a bean."

Tapioca -- A Brazilian dance.

Taste bud -- A sip of beer.

Truffle -- First line of a song: "Nobody knows the truffles I've seen."

Whey -- A contrary response to "No way!"

Yeast -- One of ye four ancient points of ye compass.

Robert L. Wolke (www.professorscience.com) is professor emeritus of
chemistry at the University of Pittsburgh and the author, most recently, of
"What Einstein Told His Barber: More Scientific Answers to Everyday
Questions" (Dell Publications, $12.95). His next book, "What Einstein Told
His Cook: Kitchen Science Explained" will be published by W.W. Norton in
May. Send your kitchen questions to wolke at pitt.edu. © 2002 The Washington
Post Company Posted to SCA-Cooks without permission.