[Regia] Fw: [Sca-cooks] HOW YOU KNOW YOU'VE BEEN A MEMBER OF THIS LIST TOO LONG:

Thu Feb 21 02:33:53 PST 2002

Hi,

My name is Kim Siddorn and I edit Regia Anglorum's journal Chronicle. Might
I please reprint the following in the next edition? If so, to whom should I
credit it?

Regards,

Kim Siddorn -

who may look as though he is doing nothing, but on a cellular level he is
quite active

Sent: Wednesday, February 20, 2002 10:58 PM
Subject: [Regia] Fw: [Sca-cooks] HOW YOU KNOW YOU'VE BEEN A MEMBER OF THIS
LIST TOO LONG:

>
> From another list
> > > ************
> > Tuesday the 5th: I have discovered the Shire: a quaint little place
filled
> > with short, boring, timid creatures called hobbits. it appears nothing
> more
> > exciting than a scandal ever happens here. Quite a change, really. I
think
> > I'll stay a bit.
> >
> > Wednesday the 6th: These hobbits have the most absurd names.
> >
> > Friday the 14th: Damn. I was practicing magic in the woods and killed a
> > hobbit. A Mr. Snackytush or somesuch. Now I'll have to hide the body:
> these
> > creatures are so easily terrified. What a bother. At least they're good
> > cooks.....astonishing cooks, really.
> >
> > Saturday the 15th: I am a changed man. Yesterday, I discovered the most
> > terrible secret -- something no other creature must learn. It tugs at my
> > soul, damning me with a fiendish hunger. As I prepared the body, I
sucked
> > some of the blood off my hands and made my awful discovery -- hobbits
are
> > tasty. No, that's wrong -- they are inconceivably delicious. I was
halfway
> > through the poor man's thigh before I realized what I was doing. I left
> the
> > body and ran away.
> >
> > Sunday the 16th: It all makes sense now. I can't imagine how this place
> has
> > lasted as long as it has: must be an elven conspiracy. Their names
should
> > have given it away. Mr and Mrs Saucyvittles! The Homefries family! I am
> > going to slap the hell out of Elrond.....Damn, I can still taste that
> > halfling. I must be strong.
> >
> > Monday the 17th: Young Berry Tartnose found the body by the river this
> > morning. The whole town is trembling at the thought of it. They think
> there
> > is some horrible monster in the woods. I have been asked to hunt the
> > creature down. I agreed. I'll summon up some silly beast that the town
> > elders can parade about. Dodged a bullet on that one.
> >
> > Tuesday the 18th: I have become a fiend! The day started out well. I
left
> > the village to summon the beast a mile or so away. As I brought forth
the
> > "Megalodent" (a big blue rabbit), a gasp from nearby startled me. I
fired
> a
> > bolt of fire into the bushes and Creamy Greatontoast fell out, dead!
Damn.
> > The worst part about it was he lived up to his name. I am the wickedest
> man
> > alive.
> >
> > Friday the 21st: I have left the Shire: the temptation is too great.
This
> is
> > a problem I cannot deal with alone. I have started for Rivendell to
speak
> > with Elrond (and slap him). Food tastes dull and ashen now -- wine is
like
> > mud. The giant rabbit thing worked well, though. I am a hero to the
> hobbits.
> > They hope I come back soon. I will, too: I could only fit two hobbits in
> my
> > pack for the trip.
> >
> > 10 YEARS PASS
> >
> > Wednesday the 9th: I have returned to the Shire. Was met with joy. I
hope
> > this plan works.
> >
> > Thursday the 10th: I can't believe anyone could be so gullible. I
secretly
> > presented the ring to a mister Lardo Meatcake. It took some convincing
> > before he would bear it. I will meet him in Bree in a week. I feel bad
> about
> > this...but not bad enough. Hobbits are so precious.
> >
> > Thursday the 17th: Met with Lardo in Bree. Tomorrow I will escort him
out
> of
> > town to the "special place". Elrond better be there.
> >
> > Friday the 18th:  Gods, what a meal! We lie here, Elrond and I, like
> stuffed
> > animals: torpid and happy. This was a wonderful idea. Hobbit goes with
> > everything.
> >
> > Saturday the 19th: We have parted ways to return home. Elrond got his
ring
> > back and agreed that this was worth repeating. Maybe we can get the
hobbit
> > to go all the way to Rivendell next time!
> >
> > 73 YEARS PASS
> >
> > Wednesday the 30th: Escaped from Saruman. Tomorrow I should be in
> Rivendell.
> > I hope I'm not late. Damn shame the ringbearer turned out to be a
> hobbit --
> > our old trick finally turned on us. I miss those days of decadent
> lunching.
> > Frodo's travelling companion was a great idea. I'll try to get Sam alone
> in
> > Ri*en%@ ;./''.)($ *f the group. Whoops, I'm drooling on the paper --
> better
> > stop now.
> >
> > Thursday the 31st:  Busy day today. Arrived at Rivendell and found Frodo
> > nearly dead. Without him the world is doomed to Sauron's wrath. Even
more
> > important, Frodo brought extra hobbits! My mind boggles at the
> > possibilities. I will speak with Elrond tonight.
> >
> > Sunday the 3rd: Caught Sam licking Frodo in bed. I don't think he
noticed
> > me. Mmmm....hobbit-basted hobbit. Gods, I'm starving.
> >
> > Tuesday the 5th:  Sam has been attending Frodo constantly since I
arrived.
> > His tongue is relentless. How precious, the two of them. Frodo awoke
late
> > this afternoon. Everyone is here. Tomorrow is the big meeting.
> >
> > Wednesday the 6th: 1st day of the Fellowship. The meeting went better
than
> > expected -- nobody died. As planned, the Fellowship was secretly chosen
> > based on how gay they were. Only got one elf, though.....strange.
Somehow,
> > all of the hobbits ended up in the Fellowship. I don't know if I can
take
> > that much stress. Elrond was pissed; accused me of rigging the
> volunteering.
> > I'm hungry.
> >
> > Thursday the 7th:  2nd day of the Fellowship Elrond gave me some hobbit
> > jerky to pass me over if I swore not to eat any of them before we got
> back.
> > Untrusting bastard. I should never have given in so quickly: I only got
> two
> > weeks worth. We set out this morning.
> >
> > Saturday the 9th:  4th day of the Fellowship. I swear I saw Frodo today
> > lying is a skillet of white wine sauce with mushroom, shallots and
onions.
> I
> > eat hobbits in my dreams.
> >
> > Sunday the 10th: 5th day of the Fellowship. This is harder than I
thought.
> > I'm already halfway through the jerky and it only reminds me of how good
> > they are. Those four tasty bastards will be my undoing.
> >
> > Tuesday the 12th: 7th day of the Fellowship.
> > I will not eat the Ringbearer. I will not eat the Ringbearer.
> > I will not eat the Ringbearer. I will not eat the Ringbearer.
> > I will not eat the Ringbearer. I will not eat the Ringbearer.
> > I will not eat the Ringbearer. I will not eat the Ringbearer.
> > I will not eat the Ringbearer. I will not eat the Ringbearer.
> >
> > Wednesday the 13th:  8th day of the Fellowship. I ate the last of the
> jerky.
> > To fight my urges I have put gravel in my underpants. Harsh but
effective.
> > The rest of the Fellowship has become a pack of flaming queers. Only a
> > handful of orcs dared to fight them. Gotta get back to opening the Mines
> > now. Wish I had written that password down.
> >
> > Friday the 15th: 10th day of the Fellowship. Gravel doesn't work.
Nothing
> > works. I'm so hungry. I gotta get outta here. If I eat one, Elrond'll
kill
> > me. Maybe the balrog can help. He owes me money.
> >
> > Sunday the 17th: 2th day of the Fellowship......I guess Plan worked. The
> > balrog and I parted ways yesterday -- now I can get some peace. It's
good
> to
> > get that gravel out. I'll head back to the Shire and tempt my tummy.
Then
> I
> > should be in shape to finish this whole affair. Well, better get back to
> the
> > pack horse before something eats him. Maybe I'll find some hobbits
> waiting.
> > I hope Sam doesn't kill them all.
> >
> >
> > _______________________________________________
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> > Sca-cooks at ansteorra.org
> > http://www.ansteorra.org/mailman/listinfo/sca-cooks
>
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