[Sca-cooks] Bad feast (Humor)

[Patrick McKinnion]

    Jared suggested you'all might get a giggle out of this....    Mind you,
I'm *NOT* saying anyone on this list would *do* any of these....     If
anyone has more suggestions to this list, let me know - I may add it to my
website.

    I wrote this originally under the influence of cold medicine, and then
posted it to various SCA lists:

Ways to Tell if you're at a bad feast

1)  Theme is "Cuisine of the Black Plague"
2)  Feast is the result of an A&S project on "insects as food during the
dark ages"
3)  Trenchers are made from Wonder Bread
4)  Ancient Scottish cookbook that the recipes are redacted from turns out
to be an old McDonald's menu.
5)  You find a cat's collar in your Rabbit dish
6)  The cook insists that a period Irish dish was Corned Beef and Lucky
Charms.
7)  A&S documentation for the feast is artwork from a Round Table Pizza.
8)  "Siege Cooking" theme includes rats and boiled grass.
9)  The head cook is listed as "Lord Denny du Lozenge Or"
10)  Asian feast menu includes Thousand-Year Eggs, Natto, Owl Soup, and
Baalut
11) The poultry dish is stuffed with Pop-Rocks and Trix.
12) Gentleman in kilt starts weeping and muttering "My poor, poor, bonny
lass" over his Haggis.
13) "English Pub Cooking - a Retrospect"
14) Two words - "Spam Sublety"

Æduin was then kind enough to toss these towards me:

1)  Primary documentation is "Voudoun Recipes for Zombees...errr...Dummies"
2)  Theme is "Rancid Meat and How it was Disguised in Period"
3)  Menu is from the Donner Family Diaries

Then I was sent these suggestions via Live Journal:

1)  Group went from Barony to Shire 3 days after the prefeast.
2)  Pizza boy delivered to kitchen back door during feast setup.
3)  Autocrat asks for royal taste testers
4)  Separate waiver required of all on board people.
5)  EPA has blocked off all exits from the site.
6)  Colin Powell asks if cook is will to air drop into Bagdad with his
special sauce.
7)  Rats leave site during feast prep.
8)  WHO arrests feastcrat for crimes against humanity.
9)  Kids serving water, tea, sweet tea, and pepto.
10) Rat Haggis on a Stick

And then more were added from the West List:

1) The long line is the one for _leaving_ the feast
2) A Siege Marshal halts the bread-a-pults, insisting they need more duct
tape and foam around the bread to be safe.
3) The Cookerie Guild agrees, but on the basis of flavor.
4) The first course is delayed pending the findings of the Curia Regis
5) The "remove" is handled by a hazmat team.
6) The site is lost due to complaints from the toxic waste dump next door.
7) Just what part of a dragon are the "nuggets" anyway????
8) Hey, who knew that Gallo made Mead?
9) When "Fish sticks" is a verb.
10) The procedings are delayed because the Feasocrat was given a new waffle
iron but had to send someone out for the spray starch.
11) The stew is stiffer than the napkins
12) You hear the sizzling of food cooking, and they serve the salad dish.
13) You hear the fire department coming, and when they get to the kitchen
door they realize it's too late to save anything.
14) You wonder what the extra taste is in your dish, and realize that they
left the rubber glove in from the dishwasher, and then realize... that's
what gave the food flavor.
15) The Animal rights activists don't boycott the feast, instead they hold a
vigil for the cremated remains.
16) The head cook brings in McDonald's to eat in the kitchen.
17) You hear they are making mud pies, and realize... they aren't kidding.
18) You hear the phrase "it's better than last year, this year we don't have
to worry about the place burning down."  unfortunately it's because it's a
cement hall.
19) The decorations include a police ribbon that reads "Condemned"

    - Padraig o Connell

"MEOW"... "WOOF"... It's a two-litter engine!
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