[Sca-cooks] OT: how NOT to run a feast

[Susan Fox-Davis]

Kirsten Houseknecht wrote:

> 1.  the cook managed to completely offend and alienate their helpers... or
> the cook and their helpers are not communicating.
>
> anyone who actually helps with the food prep (cooking the eggs, baking the
> bread, whatever) is a treasure beyond price, and should be treated with
> great thanks and respect

You got that right babe!  We just got through a major hassle with the Kingdom
officers about keeping up our household tradition of "Those who work do not
pay," not even the half-price fee that some cheapskates in our kingdom have
instituted.  Mind you, it's not as free a ride as all that.  We interview our
helpers and servers pretty carefully so that we don't engage anyone who might be
likely to gobble and shirk.  There is at least one cook who won't be asked back
after an incident three years ago when he let one dish burn and thought he could
conceal it and put it out anyway without my noticing.  I don't ask much,
competence and honesty?

> 2.  the day board menu was listed....  then changed........ and no one put
> any notice up of changes... or the same for the feast menu

Not Guilty.  Mind you, I don't list feast menus very far in advance either, but
full notice is given of ingredients at the event.

> 3. there was almost no protein at the dayboard. just carbs.
>
>  a  full dayboard with no cheese, and no eggs... is not a full dayboard.
>  my hubby is a newly diagnosed diabetic. and i am hypoglycemic.. so i really
> notice that!  now dayboards tend to be carbohydrate heavy... and thats just
> a fact, but dayboards must be planned with a view toward feeding a variety
> of people.. and some folks cant eat just carbs.... also some people cant eat
> wheat.......which is why there are usually eggs, and cheese, and other
> things on a dayboard.  this is triply important if it is a long drive to a
> supermarket or food place.

Not guilty.   We're on low-carb these days and come from families with various
kinds of picky eaters.  There =will= be something for everyone!   I can see why
it gets that way, bread and cookies are cheap relative to resource-intensive
meats and cheeses.

> 4.   the feast itself was.. uh...lacking in vegetables.

One of my "secret agendas" [ha!] is to sneak healthy vegetables into the mouths
of the reluctant by making them yummy.  Using a nice flavorful broth instead of
mere water is an easy fix here, our "seethed neeps" got all eaten up, probably
by people who thought it was some new kind of potatoes.  Armored Turnips is a
longtime crowd pleaser for that matter.

> 5. most of the feast was served cold.
>
> this is just wrong.  while some of the dishes are meant to serve cold....
> not *everything* should be! unless it is being billed as a "cold dinner" or
> some such. at least SOME of the meal should be served hot.

Whenever humanly possible!  I love working in a real institutional kitchen where
they have warming cabinets.  They make us look good.  When that's not available,
just use good sense and plan in advance how long each recipe takes to cook.
Remember the secret to success  "timing" in Comedy.  <G>

> 6. quality control was an issue.
>
> some tables foods were cooked through.  ours was not.  in a cheese and
> noodle dish i believe the cheese was meant to be melted... at some point...
> even if it was actually chilly when it was brought to the table.  at a
> different feast the fish was nearly raw.......and it was NOT Sashimi

There is really no excuse for this.  Late supper is preferable to food poisoning
every time.

> 7. if the main ingredient is supposed to be a tasy herb, the dish should
> taste of it.
>
> when a "garlic dipping sauce" is so bland that *I* might be able to eat it,
> you have a problem. (my hubby is not convnced there was any garlic IN the
> sauce)... i had a similar issue with a "pepper sauce" that was served at
> another feast... that had no discernable pepper in it.    a friend told me
> about a "rosemary dip" that had maybe a pinch of rosemary in the pot....
> Now, mistakes happen...... dishes dont work out...... life is like that,
> but when it is part of a pattern it is a problem.

Agreed.  This can be taken to extremes however.  A friend from the local
RenFaire served up her "famous queen's guard chicken" which had so much rosemary
that it crunched.  Ever eat a pine tree?  I guess we know why the queen's guard
was so tough.

> 8. every dish had at least one of the same ingredient
>
> now if the feast has a "theme" . say "a garlic lovers feast" or something..
> fine.. and make sure you SAY that garlic will be in everything... (i am
> using garlic as an example because i have trouble with it)  but if it isnt a
> themed dish.. DON'T put the same ingredient in everything..... because if
> anyone has a problem with that one thing. they cant eat anything!  so dont
> put wheat flour in everything. or rosemary   (ok.. you can put rosemary in
> everything *I* eat).. or onions.. or whatever...

I got hip to that when I started accomodating allergies.  With the sensitivities
of some of my friends and our ruling nobles, it is a real challenge sometimes.
Baroness A can't drink cow's milk, Countess B will die if she eats almond milk.
We will occasionally cook a small portion seperately, but mostly we rely on a
sufficiently diverse menu to allow the sensitive to just refrain from one or two
dishes and still have them get enough to eat.  No "hidden meat" in anything in
our barony particularly, our beloved baroness is vegetarian and some other
members keep somewhat Kosher.  If it is not an obvious meat dish like a roast,
it won't have any, and no lard in the pastry without warnings.

> 9.  the bread is put out first. and then there is a loong wait for any other
> food
>
> most folks will fill up on bread, especially if feast starts very late..
> especially if you dont tell anyone that food will be delayed or anything.

Sigh.  We have to put something out there that can sit for a while, lest people
start coming into the kitchen to mooch.  Are these people not adults who have
never been to a restaurant before?  Never fill up on the bread.  We need to
start exploring other nibbles, nuts, picked dainties, etc. to pique the appetite
and not ruin it.

> 10.  lack of communication
>
> this pretty much covers EVERYTHING i said above.
> if food has to be changed. tell people....... if there is a problem with the
> stove, and food will be delayed.. tell people......most folks are a LOT more
> understanding if they know what is going on....

Amen, sister!  I probably bore my help with redundancy but that's better than
their not knowing stuff.  I also print out menus, order of /c/o/m/b/a/t/
service, recipes and everything else.  These get posted in several places, in
the event that I get hit by a flying meatball and have to retire from the
/b/a/t/t/l/e/z/o/n/e/ kitchen.

My other dictum:  BE PREPARED!

This coming Twelfth Night, I'm mentally preparing for NOTHING in the kitchen
working and some alternate plans involving camp stoves and ice chests.  We live
close enough to the site to make this practical, as long as we have fresh
propane & ice.  Maybe I'm Alice's White Knight but I'm very determined to make
this come off as our best feast ever, til the next one!

DO bring a BBQ lighter [in case you need to light a pilot light in a strange
kitchen], tool box [in case you need to actually FIX the stove or something],
first aid kit [emphasis on cut and burn wounds].  Pot holders and oven mitts,
lots of'em.  Aprons for all the kitchen staff, preferably matching.  Keeps goo
off the garb, disguises mundane work clothes, and a uniform look makes people
feel like a team.  My apron pockets contain:  instant-read meat thermometer, a
clean tasting spoon, measuring spoons, Swiss Army knife, mini-flashlight, as
well as the aforementioned printed out lists.

Selene Colfox
[Kirsten & other new listies:  I use my whole name here because there is another
Selene on this list.  Who'da thunkit?]
selene at earthlink.net