[Sca-cooks] NOT QUITE A DICK.....................................

[Phil Troy/ G. Tacitus Adamantius]

Also sprach Heleen Greenwald:

>OK, so I admit I have no life.

Yeah, like many of us are in better shape. I admit your subject line
was a bit... eye-catching...

>I was lying on the couch spacing out, when an info-mercial came on
>selling these stainless steel knives.  It was a very entertaining
>info-mercial.........
>
>The knives being hawked were stainless steel with black  (probably
>plastic) curved handles.  All the blades were serrated and one of
>the set had a forked tip.  The chopper knife was "snub-nosed" and
>had a small, half ball grip set into the steel, right above the
>handle.....for better handling.  They kept saying how the handles
>were designed ergonomically.  I was wondering if the handles had any
>weight / heft to them. And did I mention that they NEVER NEED
>SHARPENING!

The only knife that never needs sharpening are those specifically
designed to cut through fingers... or, rather... well, you know what
I mean, I think. Allegedly-permanently-sharp knives _DO_ get dull,
and dull knives are dangerous.

>The "chef" spent one third of the commercial cutting into non-food
>items like wood, drain pipe and slate.  It was a very entertaining
>info-mercial.........  And did I mention that they NEVER NEED
>SHARPENING!

No, they never do. Now, if he really had some cojones, he'd take the
chef's knife, slice a dense, high-gluten loaf of bread, _then_ slice
a tomato.

>The "chef" kept saying how it would fillet a fish with ease, but all
>he ever fillet'd was a tomato and an orange.  Why didn't he ever
>fillet this fish he kept talking about?

I'm sure these things could also be used to remove an appendix. It's
just not something you want to look at on TV. You want ugly, watch
the politics coverage on CNN.

>And did I mention that they NEVER NEED SHARPENING!

Many people never really use their knives for much of anything, and
wouldn't know a sharp knife if it cut them (especially since it's
usually dull knives that cut people), consequently their knives NEVER
NEED SHARPENING.

>And for all this wonderfulness it only cost ONE PAYMENT OF ONLY
>$39.99.  AND, they would thow in an extra forked end knife.  And did
>I mention that they NEVER NEED SHARPENING!

You know, maybe 20 years ago, my Dad came home one day with about
five perfectly good, ordinary-grade, serrated knives, suitable for
slicing bread (maybe a little short for that), tomatoes for
sandwiches (if appearance is not your primary concern), cheese, etc.,
and they all had that forked tip. I think he got them at the Job Lot
Trading Company for about 99 cents apiece. I must ask my Mom what
happened to them all. They had nice, wooden handles, and didn't
pretend to be anything other than what they were.

>So I guess my skeptical mind wants to know how good can knives be, a
>whole bunch of them (5 in the set I think) that only cost $39.99?  I
>mean, for materials alone, just to make the knives it should be way
>more expensive if they are made of good quality stuff.  And my other
>question is..... why didn't he ever just fillet the fish he was
>talking about?

I'm sure it would be possible, technically. But they want you to buy
these knives, so... ;-).

A bee for your bonnet on the cost. You can usually get a similar set
on eBay for 99 cents plus shipping, just to give you an idea on the
number of warehouses full of these things, the cost of materials,
etc. It's actually quite encouraging, in an age when you sort of have
to assume there's no limit to the stupidity of the American public,
that there's something they won't fall for.

Now I have to go and find, and watch, the episode of "The
Honeymooners" about The Chef of the Future and the Handy Dandy
Housewife's Helper ("Ooooooohhh, it can core a apple!!!"  "Amazing!!!
Can it open a can?")

>Boy I miss Ras..........

Yup. 'Nuff said. By the way, since this post wouldn't be complete
without a double entendre or three, I should point out that I found
one of my knives in with the supply of Provincial tools at our
Agincourt event a couple of weeks ago. I reached into the box, and
loudly proclaimed, "Look, everybody! My Dick! My 6-inch, stiff
boner!" And then, since it had been in the box for about a year (yes,
I lost my boner), and Heaven knows who had been handling my Dick in
my absence, it turned out to be dull and I actually cut myself on
it...;-(

Adamantius