[Sca-cooks] holiday humor with food content...
Kathleen A Roberts
karobert at unm.edu
Mon Dec 13 10:43:16 PST 2004
everybody needs a laugh on monday!
cailte
Holiday Eating Tips
1. Avoid carrot sticks. Anyone who puts carrots on a
holiday buffet table
knows nothing of the Christmas spirit. In fact, if you see
carrots, leave
immediately. Go next door, where they're serving rum
balls.
2. Drink as much eggnog as you can. And quickly. Like fine
single-malt
scotch, it's rare. In fact, it's even rarer than
single-malt scotch. You
can't find it any other time of year but now. So drink up!
Who cares that it
has 10,000 calories in every sip? It's not as if you're
going to turn into
an eggnog-aholic or something. It's a treat. Enjoy it.
Have one for me. Have
two. It's later than you think. It's Christmas!
3. If something comes with gravy, use it. That's the whole
point of gravy.
Gravy does not stand alone. Pour it on. Make a volcano out
of your mashed
potatoes. Fill it with gravy. Eat the volcano. Repeat.
4. As for mashed potatoes, always ask if they're made with
skim milk or
whole milk. If it's skim, pass. Why bother? It's like
buying a sports car
with an automatic transmission.
5. Do not have a snack before going to a party in an
effort to control your
eating. The whole point of going to a Christmas party is
to eat other
people's food for free. Lots of it. Hello?
6. Under no circumstances should you exercise between now
and New Year's.
You can do that in January when you have nothing else to
do. This is the
time for long naps, which you'll need after circling the
buffet table while
carrying a 10-pound plate of food and that vat of eggnog.
7. If you come across something really good at a buffet
table, like frosted
Christmas cookies in the shape and size of Santa, position
yourself near
them and don't budge. Have as many as you can before
becoming the center of
attention. They're like a beautiful pair of shoes. If you
leave them behind,
you're never going to see them again.
8. Same for pies. Apple. Pumpkin. Mincemeat. Have a slice
of each. Or, if
you don't like mincemeat, have two apples and one pumpkin.
Always have
three. When else do you get to have more than one dessert?
Labor Day?
9. Did someone mention fruitcake? Granted, it's loaded
with the mandatory
celebratory calories, but avoid it at all cost. I mean,
have some standards.
10. One final tip: If you don't feel terrible when you
leave the party or
get up from the table, you haven't been paying attention.
Reread tips; start
over, but hurry, January is just around the corner.
Remember this motto to live by:
"Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the
intention of arriving
safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but
rather to skid in
sideways, chocolate in one hand, martini in the other,
body thoroughly used
up, totally worn out and screaming "WOO HOO what a ride!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Being Irish, he had an abiding sense of tragedy which
sustained him through temporary periods of joy."
W. B. Yeats
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Kathleen Roberts
University of New Mexico
Office of Freshman Admisions
Administrative Asst. II
505-277-6249
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