[Sca-cooks] holiday humor with food content...

[Elaine Koogler]

Kathleen A Roberts wrote:

> everybody needs a laugh on monday!
> cailte
>
> Holiday Eating Tips
>
> 1. Avoid carrot sticks. Anyone who puts carrots on a holiday buffet table
> knows nothing of the Christmas spirit. In fact, if you see carrots, leave
> immediately. Go next door, where they're serving rum balls.
>
> 2. Drink as much eggnog as you can. And quickly. Like fine single-malt
> scotch, it's rare. In fact, it's even rarer than single-malt scotch. You
> can't find it any other time of year but now. So drink up! Who cares 
> that it
> has 10,000 calories in every sip? It's not as if you're going to turn 
> into
> an eggnog-aholic or something. It's a treat. Enjoy it. Have one for 
> me. Have
> two. It's later than you think. It's Christmas!
>
> 3. If something comes with gravy, use it. That's the whole point of 
> gravy.
> Gravy does not stand alone. Pour it on. Make a volcano out of your mashed
> potatoes. Fill it with gravy. Eat the volcano. Repeat.
>
> 4. As for mashed potatoes, always ask if they're made with skim milk or
> whole milk. If it's skim, pass. Why bother? It's like buying a sports car
> with an automatic transmission.
>
> 5. Do not have a snack before going to a party in an effort to control 
> your
> eating. The whole point of going to a Christmas party is to eat other
> people's food for free. Lots of it. Hello?
>
> 6. Under no circumstances should you exercise between now and New Year's.
> You can do that in January when you have nothing else to do. This is the
> time for long naps, which you'll need after circling the buffet table 
> while
> carrying a 10-pound plate of food and that vat of eggnog.
>
> 7. If you come across something really good at a buffet table, like 
> frosted
> Christmas cookies in the shape and size of Santa, position yourself near
> them and don't budge. Have as many as you can before becoming the 
> center of
> attention. They're like a beautiful pair of shoes. If you leave them 
> behind,
> you're never going to see them again.
>
> 8. Same for pies. Apple. Pumpkin. Mincemeat. Have a slice of each. Or, if
> you don't like mincemeat, have two apples and one pumpkin. Always have
> three. When else do you get to have more than one dessert? Labor Day?
>
> 9. Did someone mention fruitcake? Granted, it's loaded with the mandatory
> celebratory calories, but avoid it at all cost. I mean, have some 
> standards.
>
> 10. One final tip: If you don't feel terrible when you leave the party or
> get up from the table, you haven't been paying attention. Reread tips; 
> start
> over, but hurry, January is just around the corner.
>
> Remember this motto to live by:
>
> "Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving
> safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in
> sideways, chocolate in one hand, martini in the other, body thoroughly 
> used
> up, totally worn out and screaming "WOO HOO what a ride!"
>
And, in keeping with the spirit of this motto...we stopped by Trader 
Joe's this afternoon after work and found them carrying a 10# bar of 
Ghirandelli semi-sweet chocolate for $20!!!  My husband got a huge kick 
out of my fear that someone would break into the car and steal 
it...rather than my new IBM Thinkpad!!

Kiri