[Sca-cooks] CHILI COOK-OFF- OOP

[Heleen Greenwald]

Thanks for the laugh Cuz!
Phillipa

On Sep 30, 2007, at 10:55 PM, Saint Phlip wrote:

> chili Cook-Off
>
> If you can read this whole story without laughing, then there's no
> hope for you. I was crying by the end. This is an actual account as
> relayed to paramedics at a chili cook-off in Texas .
>
> Note: Please take time to read this slowly. If you pay attention to
> the first two judges, the reaction of the third judge is even better.
> For those of you who have lived in Texas , you know how true this is.
> They actually have a Chili Cook-off about the time Halloween comes
> around. It takes up a major portion of a parking lot at the San
> Antonio City Park . Judge #3 was an inexperienced Chili taster named
> Frank, who was visiting from Springfield , IL.
>
> Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili
> cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I
> happened to be standing there at the judge's table, asking for
> directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was
> assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili
> wouldn't be all that spicy; and, besides, they told me I could have
> free beer! during the tasting, so I accepted and became Judge 3."
>
> Here are the scorecard notes from the event:
> CHILI # 1 - MIKE'S MANIAC MONSTER CHILI
> Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
>
> Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
>
> Judge # 3 (Frank) -- Holy crap, what the hell is this stuff? You could
> remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the
> flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.
>
>
>
> CHILI # 2 - AUSTIN 'S AFTERBURNER CHILI
> Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
>
>  Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken  
> seriously.
>
> Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what
> I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who
> wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer
> when they saw the look on my face.
>
>
>
> CHILI # 3 - FRED'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI
> Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick.
>
> Judge # 2 -- A bit salty, good use of peppers.
>
> Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels
> like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now.
> Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now
> my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting s***-faced
> from all of the beer.
>
>
>
> CHILI # 4 - BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC
> Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
>
> Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish
> or other mild foods, not much of a chili.
>
> Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was
> unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the
> beer maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. This 300 lb.
> woman is starting to look HOT ... just like this nuclear waste I'm
> eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?
>
>
>
> CHILI # 5 - LISA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER
> Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground,
> adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
>
> Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must
> admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
>
> Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and
> I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted, and four people behind me
> needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that
> her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from
> bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if
> I'm burning my lips off. It really ticks me off that the other judges
> asked me to stop screaming. Screw them.
>
>  CHILI # 6 - VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY
>
>
>
> Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of
> spices and peppers.
>
> Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions,  
> garlic. Superb.
>
> Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with
> gaseous, sulfuric flames. I crapped on myself when I farted, and I'm
> worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand
> behind me except that Sally. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to
> wipe my butt with a snow cone.
>
>
>
> CHILI # 7 - SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI
> Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned  
> peppers.
>
> Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of
> chili peppers at the last moment. **I should take note that I am
> worried about judge number 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as
> he is cursing uncontrollably.
>
> Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I
> wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world
> sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with
> chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava
> to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what
> killed me. I've decided to stop breathing. It's too painful. Screw it;
> I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in
> through the
> 4- inch hole in my stomach.
>
>
>
> CHILI # 8 - BIG TOM'S TOENAIL CURLING CHILI
>  Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too
> bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
>
> Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild
> nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 farted,
> passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself.
> Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor feller, wonder how he'd have
> reacted to really hot chili?
>
> Judge # 3 - No Report
>
>
> -- 
> Saint Phlip
>
> Heat it up
> Hit it hard
> Repent as necessary.
>
> Priorities:
>
> It's the smith who makes the tools, not the tools which make the  
> smith.
>
> Denial of evidence is not refutation of evidence.
>
> Blessed be the self-righteous, for they shall inherit themselves.
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>

...and Tonks, Hermione and Molly, together again and playing at the  
Bridge.