[Western] Southerness

[Jesus Cavazos]

Something I got from someone. Thought you might like it.

Toshiro

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Subject: Southernosity

Only a Southerner knows the difference between a hissy fit and a conniption 
fit, and that you don't "HAVE" them, you "PITCH" them.

Only a Southerner knows how many fish, collard greens, turnip greens, peas, 
beans, etc., make up "a mess."

Only a Southerner can show or point out to you the general direction of 
"yonder."

Only a Southerner knows exactly how long "directly" is -- as in: "Going to 
town, be back directly."

Even Southern babies know that "Gimme some sugar" is not a request for the 
white, granular sweet substance that sits in a pretty little bowl in the 
middle of the table.

All Southerners know exactly when "by and by" is. They might not use the 
term, but they know the concept well.

Only a Southerner knows instinctively that the best gesture of solace for a 
neighbor who's got trouble... is a plate of hot fried chicken and a big bowl 
of cold potato salad. If the neighbor's trouble is a real crisis, they also 
know to add a large banana puddin!

Only Southerners grow up knowing the difference between "right near" and "a 
right far piece." They also know that "just down the road" can be 1 mile or 
20.

Only a Southerner, both knows and understands, the difference between a 
redneck, a good ol' boy, and po' white trash.

No true Southerner would ever assume that the car with the flashing turn 
signal is actually going to make a turn.

A Southerner knows that "fixin" can be used as a noun, a verb, or an adverb.

Only Southerners make friends while standing in lines. We don't do "queues," 
we do "lines"; and when we're "in line," we talk to everybody!

Southerners never refer to one person as "ya'll."

Southerners know grits come from corn and how to eat them.

Every Southerner knows tomatoes with eggs, bacon, grits, and coffee are 
perfectly wonderful; that red eye gravy is also a breakfast food; and that 
fried green tomatoes are not a breakfast food.

When you hear someone say, "Well, I caught myself lookin'," you know you are 
in the presence of a genuine Southerner!

Only true Southerners say "sweet tea" and "sweet milk." Sweet tea indicates 
the need for sugar and lots of it -- we do not like our tea unsweetened. 
"Sweet milk" means you don't want buttermilk.

A true Southerner knows you don't scream obscenities at little old ladies 
who drive 30 MPH on the freeway. You just say, "Bless her heart" and go your 
own way.

To those of you who're still a little embarrassed by your Southerness: Take 
two tent revivals and a dose of sausage gravy and call me in the morning. 
Bless your heart!

And to those of you who are still having a hard time understanding all this 
Southern stuff, bless your hearts, I hear they are fixin' to have classes on 
Southernness as a second language!

And for those that are not from the South but have lived here for a long 
time, ya'll need a sign to hang on ya'lls front porch that reads "I aint 
from the South but I got here as fast as I could."

Bless your hearts, ya'll have a blessed day.

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You know you're from the North if ...

You've watched the movie "Deliverance" and you're afraid to go on a camping 
trip. Ever.

For breakfast you'd rather have potatoes than grits.

You can name at least 4 hockey teams.

You've never eaten Okra.

You wonder why people in restaurants don't talk as loud as you do.

You have never planned your summer vacation around a gun & knife show.

You don't have any problems pronouncing "Worcestershire sauce" correctly.

You've never had grain alcohol.

You are familiar with all the rules to Lacrosse.

You have no idea what a polecat is.

You don't see anything wrong with putting a sweater on a poodle.

You've never had bangs.

You'd rather vacation at Martha's Vineyard than Six Flags.

You don't have at least one can of WD-40 somewhere around the house.

You would rather have your son become a lawyer than grow up to get his own 
TV fishing show.

You refer to two or more people as "you guys" instead of "y'all".

You think more money should go to important scientific research at your 
university than to pay the salary of the head football coach.

You prefer a bagel over a donut.

You don't know anyone who goes by both their first and middle names.

You get freaked out when strangers in public talk to you.

You don't know what a Piggly-Wiggly is.

You think NASCAR stands for the North American Society for...(something)

You eat fried chicken with a knife and fork.

You use the horn in your car more than once or twice a year.

Everything you know about the Civil War you learned watching TV.

You don't "reckon."

You're not "fixin" to do anything.

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