[Herbalist] Re: OT - Miss Manners

Corwyn and Carowyn silveroak at juno.com
Thu Sep 27 12:08:12 PDT 2001


Greetings to the list!

>I am sorry to say that i was once (unknowingly) on the other side.
<snip>.
>after a short conversation, she asked me to critique her garb, <more
snips>.  I
>thought i was polite and fairly mild, but I found out later that - - it
was
>her first event, and she was terribly proud of the garb she had sewn,
>and had left the event in tears because of the "harsh criticism" she had
>received on her outfit.

Hmmm...I get some of this at the Ren Faire, which is 20 minutes from my
house.  When some people find out I'm from the SCA, they immediately want
me to critique their garb.  Now, those of you who know me know I can't
tell which end of the needle is up, so asking me to look at garb is like
asking a fish to comment on the pretty trees in the forest - they're
there, kinda blurry, and they all look alike.

Well, I couldn't be in the SCA for more than 6 years without *some*
things rubbing off, so...well, let's just say my experience was like
yours, only she burst into tears in front of me.  In confusion, I asked
her what's wrong, and she blurted, "You were supposed to tell me it was
*fine*!"  Now, this type of "fishing for compliments" just irks me no
end, so I said with an edge to my voice, "Well, no one gave me a cue
card, and *you* asked *me*.  If you didn't want a true answer, why the
heck did you even bother me?"

It got calmer after that, and a bunch of us talked about it - why she
shouldn't have begged a question, what was she really looking for in
comments anyway, and as faire garb it was fine but here's what to do for
SCA garb that would be better.  She went away much happier, but since
then I've had to say to others, "Look, only ask questions if you're
looking for a truthful answer.  If you're just asking to get your ego
stroked, you're asking the wrong person."  (I know that's harsh, but this
*is* a Ren Faire.  You wouldn't believe some of the idiots we get.)  A
properly modified response might work better in the SCA.

Well, here's my opinion: Don't ask the question if you don't want the
answer.  There are ways of asking that can get you decent comments, but
I've seen too many people accused of being A.P. when they were asked a
simple question.  I've even seen judges snarled at because they simply
did their job and graded the work!  "Not a period blackwork style -
should be the same pattern on both sides; can see the ends and knots"  is
not enough to get worked up over IMO.  But I know there are a lot of
people with sensitive natures - that's not bad in and of itself, but then
don't ask questions without prefacing it with "I'm a newbie, so please be
kind".

My two pence.  Hey, you *were* asked, it's not that you approached her
and started commenting without being asked....

-Caro the vociferous

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