[Loch-Ruadh] My First Speech if I were elected President.

[Terry Varner]

My fellow Americans:

As you all know, the defeat of Iraq's regime has been
completed.

Since congress does not want to spend any more money
on this war, our mission in Iraq is complete.

This morning I gave the order for a complete removal
of all American forces from Iraq. This action will be
complete within 30 days. It is now time to begin the
reckoning.

Before me, I have two lists. One list contains the
names of countries which have stood by our side during
the Iraq conflict. This list is short: The United
Kingdom, Bulgaria, Australia, Norway and Poland
are some of the countries listed there.

The other list contains everyone not on the first
list. Most of the world's nations are on that list.

My press secretary will be distributing copies of both
lists later this evening.

Let me start by saying that effective immediately,
foreign aid to those nations on List 2 ceases
immediately and indefinitely. The money saved during
the first year alone will pretty much pay for the
costs of the Iraqi war.

The American people are no longer going to pour money
into third world hell- holes and watch those
government leaders grow fat on corruption.

Need help with a famine? Wrestling with an epidemic?
Call France.

In the future, together with Congress, I will work to
cut taxes and solve some local problems.

On that note, a word to terrorist organizations. Screw
with us and we will hunt you down and eliminate you
and all your friends from the face of the earth.

Thirsting for a gutsy country to terrorize? Try
France, or maybe China.

To Israel and the Palestinian Authority. You, boys.
Work out a peace deal now. Just note that Camp David
is closed. Maybe all of you can go to Russia for
negotiations. They have some great palaces there. Big
tables, too.

I'm ordering the immediate severing of diplomatic
relations with France, Germany, and Russia. Thanks for
all your help, comrades. We are retiring from NATO as
well. Bon chance, mes amis.

I have instructed the Mayor of New York City to begin
towing the many UN diplomatic vehicles located in
Manhattan with more than two unpaid tickets to sites
where those vehicles will be stripped, shredded and
crushed.

I don't care about whatever treaty pertains to this.
Pay your tickets tomorrow or watch your precious
Benzes, Beamers, and limos be turned over to some of
the finest chop shops in the world. I love New York.

A special note to our neighbors. Canada is on List
2. Since we are going to be seeing a lot more of each
other, you folks might want to try not pissing us off
for a change. Mexico is also on List 2. President Fox
and his entire corrupt government really need an
attitude adjustment. I have a couple of extra tank and
infantry divisions sitting around. Guess where I'm
gonna put 'em? Yep, border security. So start doing
something with your oil.

Oh, by the way, the United States is abrogating the
NAFTA treaty--starting now.

It is time for America to focus on its own welfare and
its own citizens. Some will accuse us of isolationism.
I answer them by saying darn tootin'.

Nearly a century of trying to help folks live a decent
life around the world has only earned us the undying
enmity of just about everyone on the planet. It is
time to cut taxes here because we will not be spending
on other peoples problems.

To the nations on List 1, a final thought. Thanks
guys. We owe you and shall take care of you--

with monetary assistance, tax incentives, tourist

dollars and any other way we can!


To the nations on List 2, a final thought. Drop dead.


Thank you, good night and....God bless America...





Tegwared McAuley(mka Terry Varner)
Loch Ruadh Archery Marshal
You need only two tools: WD-40 and duct tape. If it doesn't move and it 
should, use WD-40.
If it moves and shouldn't, use the tape