[Sca-cooks] Fw: Thanksgiving plans - OOP

[Daniel Myers]

Martha Stewart will not be dining with us this Thanksgiving.

Martha Stewart will not be dining with us this Thanksgiving. I'm
telling you
in advance, so don't act surprised. Since Ms. Stewart won't be coming,
I've
made a few small changes:

Our sidewalk will not be lined with homemade, paper bag luminaries.
After a
trial run, it was decided that no matter how cleverly done, rows of
flaming
lunch sacks do not have the desired welcoming effect.

The dining table will not be covered with expensive linens, fancy china
or
crystal goblets. If possible, we will use dishes that match and everyone
will get a fork. Since this IS Thanksgiving, we will refrain from using
the
plastic Peter Rabbit plate and the Santa napkins from last Christmas.

Our centerpiece will not be the tower of fresh fruit and flowers that I
promised. Instead we will be displaying a hedgehog-like decoration
hand-crafted from the finest construction paper. The artist assures me
it is
a turkey.

We will be dining fashionably late. The children will entertain you
while
you wait. I'm sure they will be happy to share every choice comment I
have
made regarding Thanksgiving, pilgrims and the turkey hotline. Please
remember that most of these comments were made at 5:00 AM upon
discovering
that the turkey was still hard enough to cut diamonds. As accompaniment
to
the children's recital, I will play a recording of tribal drumming. If
the
children should mention that I don't own a recording of tribal
drumming, or
that tribal drumming sounds suspiciously like a frozen turkey in a
clothes
dryer, ignore them. They are lying.

We toyed with the idea of ringing a dainty silver bell to announce the
start
of our feast. In the end, we chose to keep our traditional method.
We've also decided against a formal seating arrangement. When the smoke
alarm sounds, please gather around the table and sit where you like. In
the
spirit of harmony, we will ask the children to sit at a separate table:
in a
separate room: Next-Door.

Now I know you have all seen pictures of one person carving a turkey in
front of a crowd of appreciative onlookers. This will not be happening
at
our dinner.

For safety reasons, the turkey will be carved in a private ceremony. I
stress "private" meaning:

Do not, under any circumstances, enter the kitchen to laugh at me. Do
not
send small, unsuspecting children to check on my progress. I have an
electric knife. The turkey is unarmed. It stands to reason that I will
eventually win. When I do, we will eat.

Before I forget, there is one last change. Instead of offering a choice
between 12 different scrumptious desserts, we will be serving the
traditional pumpkin pie, garnished with whipped cream and small
fingerprints. You will still have a choice: Take it or leave it.

Martha Stewart will not be dining with us this Thanksgiving. She
probably
won't come next year either.

I am thankful.