[Steppes] FW: Holiday Eating Tips

[Brent Ryder]

Holiday Eating Tips
I hate aspects of this time of year. Not for its crass commercialism and 
forced frivolity, but because it's the season when the food police come out 
with their wagging fingers and annual tips on how to get through the 
holidays without gaining 10 pounds.

1. About those carrot sticks. Avoid them. Anyone who puts carrots on a 
holiday buffet table knows nothing of the Christmas spirit. In fact if you 
see carrots, leave immediately. Go next door, where they're serving rum 
balls.

2. Drink as much eggnog as you can. And quickly. Like fine single-malt 
scotch, it's rare. In fact, it's even rarer than single-malt scotch. You 
can't find it any other time of year but now. So drink up! Who cares that it 
has 10,000 calories in every sip? It's not as if you're going to turn into 
an eggnogaholic or something. It's a treat. Enjoy it. Have one for me. Have 
two. It's later then you think.! It's Christmas!

3. If something comes with gravy, use it. That's the whole point of gravy. 
Gravy does not stand alone. Pour it on. Make a volcano out of your mashed 
potatoes. Fill it with gravy. Eat the volcano. Repeat.

4. As for mashed potatoes, always ask if they're made with skim milk or 
whole milk. If it's skim, pass. Why bother? It's like buying a sports car 
with an automatic transmission.

5. Do not have a snack before going to a party in an effort to control our 
eating. The whole point of going to a Christmas party is to eat other 
peoples' food for free. Lots of it. Hello? Remember college?

6. Under no circumstances should you exercise between now and New Years, You 
can do that in January when you have nothing else to do. This is the time 
for long naps, which you'll need after circling the buffet table while 
carrying a 10-pound plate of food and that vat of eggnog. (or perhaps 
"passing out" from the SCOTCH/Jack! Daniels, etc.)

7. If you come across something really good at a buffet table, like frosted 
Christmas cookies in the shape and size of Santa. Position yourself near 
them, and don't budge. Have as many as you can before becoming the center of 
attention. They're like a beautiful pair of shoes. You can't leave them 
behind. You're not going to see them again.

8. Same for pies. Apple. Pumpkin. Mincemeat. Have a slice of each. Or, if 
you don't like mincemeat, have two apples and one pumpkin. Always have 
three. When else do you get to have more than one dessert? Labor Day ?

9. Did someone mention fruitcake? Granted, it's loaded with the mandatory 
celebratory calories, but avoid it at all cost. I mean have some standards, 
mate.

10. And one final tip: If you don't feel terrible when you leave the party 
or get up from the table, you haven't been paying attention. Reread tips.  
Start over. But hurry! Cookieless/eggnogless January is just around the 
corner.

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